Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)

Like being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit made-up, current affairs television program.

Otherwise you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with English-Irish pop boy band 'One Direction' was not as it seemed.

Here's how:

Transcript of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'

Interviewer: [looking down at clipboard]
Hello, tonight I have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation One Direction... 

Climbing mountains

A time ago, a bit before the time I travelled back in time (or after, with relevance to my place in time, or yours, at the time), and a little after the time I tried my hand at being a Superhero, I set myself a goal to scale a mountain.

Not just any mountain, mind you.

Mount Pichachuchutrayn. 

Workplace Safety in Construction (and SHIT).

"Good afternoon CEO, 2IC, Chairperson, VC, UCE, Uso, Ladies & Gentlemen, Trans genders, dish-lickers and SFA's.

It is my good honour to have the stage at this privileged time of the proceedings, preceding the 'Accountancy Update' and following the lunch break. Prime time, baby!

Why they have such a dry and "taxing"... (* stepping away from the podium to do the world-wide symbol for inverted commas or I'm-a-wanker-look-at-me-this-was-funny-one-time-in-history-and-i'm-doing-it-now-expecting-mass-applause type actions *) ...topic like Accounting after the lunch break one will never know. Zzzzzzzz, am I right?!?

An Easter (cotton)Tale

I approached the door to the house through the path from the front gate that was unhinged. It was quite the unnecessarily long sentence to do so but we got there in the end. The yard was overgrown with weeds, yet barren of grass with the earth littered with holes.

I rapped on his door with a consciously friendly beat. It worked. He opened the door with a wobbly smile and we exchanged pleasantries (ie. pleased to meet you; nice tie; I like the holes in your yard; and so on).

The Morning After

A blinding light pierces through the worn curtains that are my creased eyelids. Through the green fog floating about my brain I take my time to surmise that it must be 'tomorrow' at 'some time' in the 'day'.

The Sun's rays that have cruelly taken the opportunity to enter the room as it noticed the usual defence mechanisms have not been drawn across the windows form needle-like objects as it continually inserts itself into the back of my brain through my eyeballs. Though that sentence may seem long, confusing and painful to read, it is not due to the writer's inept writing skills (though they don't hurt) but a clever metaphor (or whatever it's called) for what it was describing.

Zayn Malik Lyrics - Pillow Talk

Hi, I hope you can indulge me today, or at any time that you are reading this, as I would like to transcribe the lyrics to Pillow Talk - yet another musical masterpiece by renowned musician Zayn Malik. Zayn has written many classic hits such as Pillow Talk and presumedly others of different names. My wife has just informed me that he is also One Direction - a quick search of the wide world web (the 'internet' for short) shows that he was most likely the North West one, with his musical abilities a result of the cross-breeding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian (that girl can sing, y'all!). Though my favourite song of his is InZayn In The Membrane, the Zayn Malik (nee North West) song that I would like to transcribe for you today (of which you can read at your own leisure - or download the audiobook and listen, as read by Donald Trump) is a little ditty of his called Pillow Talk. Enjoy.
________________________________________________________________________

Song: Pillow Talk
Performed by Zayn Malik
Written by Zayn Malik, Levi Lennox (Annie's son. Or daughter?), Anthony Hannides, Michael Hannides (no relation)
Transcribed and interpreted by Ronnie Peace

Another Valentine's Day Special #2: Material Love

Material Love

Lyrics by Ronnie Peace

Verse 1:
Hello Mr Moth
Outside of my window.
Planning a break-in
to chew on my chinos.

The Blinking Christmas Lights Factory

Ah, Christmas time. 

Aaargh!!!!!! Christmas time.

The time of year where it is consciously accepted, even encouraged, to string up as many cheap flashing lights as one can and send the electricity grid into overdrive.

A Private Conversation Between Adam and Eve

Some time before the commencement of sexual relations between the infamous Adam and Eve (no doubt as they wondered if they were brother and sister, or not), Adam got curious.

"Eve", he said, "what do you have hidden behind your leaf?"

Eve, taken aback by Adam's forward questioning and embarrassed by it, replied:

"Uhhhh ... I gotta split" And took off into the night.

The Heat In The Kitchen

I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. 

Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

Games to Play in Public Swimming Pools

Fancy a dip? If it's in a public swimming pool then it's a lucky dip if you'll come out alive.

Bringing in the New Year - Salutations and Salivations

[ THIS WAS PUBLISHED ONLINE BY INTERNATIONAL LITERARY ONLINE JOURNAL QUEEN MOB'S TEAHOUSE AS 'SOMEBODY BRING IN THE NEW YEAR' ]

Preface: Please bear in mind* this article was intended to be read on New Years Eve, though it was written in early 2015. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be less distracted by shiny objects, and more inclined to manage my time better (and less inclined against the bar most nights). 
Time machine not included.
(*During a successful 14 hour neurological surgery the bear was removed by TV doctor, Dr House. Though not a real doctor per se, he has a delightfully funny bedside manner which was worth the risk)

As the last day of 2014 dawned upon us, friends were heard to shriek "AGH! A cockroach!!", for there was a large cockroach making it's way across the seafood buffet.

Religious Semantics / Sermontics

I wasn't on a mission from God, I was on a mission from the Pope.

In recent years, thy religious master hadn't many servants to call upon as, despite Jon Bon Jovi's call to "keep the faith", people hadn't. At best, they'd misplaced it.

Like a popular gay cowboy in the 30's through to the 60's, the numbers had been Wayne-ing.

Are You A Pick Up Artist, or Would You Like To Be One?

I don't know why there is all this backlash about this Julien Blanc guy in the media? I've never heard of him before, and haven't viewed any of his works, but it sounds like he's being given a rough time.

I fancy myself as a bit of a pickup artist, myself. Not that I think I am good enough to make a career out of it, but I do like to try my hand on the weekends. Here is my latest attempt:

Regular drinking of alcohol can prolong your life (and can ferment your body afterwards)

'On the Tiles' by Ron Acme.
An artist's impression of L.A.P.D Homicide
Sergant Roger Murtaugh after a night out.

As the famous singer sang, "I've got a hangover, wa-oh-oh. I've been drinking too much fo sho" (assumedly Pavarotti?).

But did he? Drink. Too much?

Some people say I drink too much - my mum, wife, doctor, boss, my dogs, Lindsay Lohan, my liver - while other people say I don't drink enough - me, David Hasselhoff, my 'mates' that don't know my name at the pub, drunk me. But one thing is for sure; the evidence is inconclusive.

My Time as the Bachelor

Many of you may not know this (particularly those of you who don't know me) - a few years ago I found myself fulfilling the challenging and meaty role as the Bachelor on the show of the same name. It is something I am ashamed of and embarrassed to admit, but it makes for a good story so here goes.

Port to Stern (a fortified explanation of Insanity)

I once read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I tend to have a short attention span so I re-read a couple more times before I took in the meaning.

An Out-Standing Read - It Will Save Your Life* (I stand by that statement)**

(* I am not qualified to verify this statement)
(** literally)

Caution: You may want to be sitting down before you read this. Actually, best you stand up (spoiler alert).

Battlestar Sarcastica - putting your best font forward

Sarcasm gets a rough deal in modern society. 

I find it is quite misunderstood, and is a great tool to get yourself through any awkward work or social situation that you don't want to be a part of.