The Kyrgios Case of Benjamin Butt'ole (the Office Worker)

8:32am: Benjamin Butt'ole walks into the office with earphones on and bag over shoulder. Sits down at desk, takes his tracksuit pants off, unzips his bag at his feet and goes through his selection of pens for the day.

8:40am: Has a drink from his sports drink container. Spills a bit on his shirt. Yells to Doris in the kitchen to throw him a towel.

8:41am: Benjamin's Manager requests to speak to him in his office.

Politically Recollect

I remember the last time I ran for President.

It was a simpler time back then:

On The Outside

[ THE SHORT STORY 'ON THE OUTSIDE' WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ONLINE BY DARKRUN REVIEW. IT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER/COMEDY/ACTION/SUSPENSE COP-STORY MYSTERY.

MOVIE RIGHTS ARE STILL UP FOR GRABS. ANYONE?

WARNING: CONTAINS NUDITY (IN WRITTEN FORM ONLY) ]

if you didn't click on the link above for the story don't worry, you haven't missed out, there's still time to read it - simply click here.

He whom never existed

For as long as he could remember, he didn't exist.

Never had.

He was Roger Skwishskoft. Or, at least, that's who he assumed he was had he existed.

Climbing mountains

A time ago, a bit before the time I travelled back in time (or after, with relevance to my place in time, or yours, at the time), and a little after the time I tried my hand at being a Superhero, I set myself a goal to scale a mountain.

Not just any mountain, mind you.

Mount Pichachuchutrayn. 

An Easter (cotton)Tale

I approached the door to the house through the path from the front gate that was unhinged. It was quite the unnecessarily long sentence to do so but we got there in the end. The yard was overgrown with weeds, yet barren of grass with the earth littered with holes.

I rapped on his door with a consciously friendly beat. It worked. He opened the door with a wobbly smile and we exchanged pleasantries (ie. pleased to meet you; nice tie; I like the holes in your yard; and so on).

The Morning After

A blinding light pierces through the worn curtains that are my creased eyelids. Through the green fog floating about my brain I take my time to surmise that it must be 'tomorrow' at 'some time' in the 'day'.

The Sun's rays that have cruelly taken the opportunity to enter the room as it noticed the usual defence mechanisms have not been drawn across the windows form needle-like objects as it continually inserts itself into the back of my brain through my eyeballs. Though that sentence may seem long, confusing and painful to read, it is not due to the writer's inept writing skills (though they don't hurt) but a clever metaphor (or whatever it's called) for what it was describing.

The Heat In The Kitchen

I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. 

Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').

Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?

Hallo'.


Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

The Stages Of Life

As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...

Life In A Metaphorical Nutshell

You have probably just read my learned piece on The Stages Of Life. And, presumedly, loved it very much, throwing bouquets of roses from the balcony with a tear in your eye in admiration. That's natural. If you haven't read it yet, you should. Or wait for the movie starring Jason Bateman and Celia Paquola and save yourself the hassle of reading.

In it (unless it was cut from the movie version) you will remember the well-known turn of phrase I had regurgitated in the name of journalism. That is, the one about life in a nutshell.

Of course, no one lives their life inside a nutshell. Unless you happen to be a nut. 

The Two Ronnies

When my good mate Ronald McDonald and I get together hilarity generally ensues.
(and hopefully when his McSolicitors get a load of this, they don't on-sue me)

Oh, how we laugh.

A Poem #2: P(r)o(s)e

Poetry

Oh, Po-e-try

A Poem: Who Am I

O'er 'ere's a clue

The Black and White Noise

In every person's life they have, at some point or another, experienced what is called 'the talk'.

Whilst I was not watching anything at all on the magical television box at an irrelevant time in my life I inadvertently delayed in pressing the 'up' channel button while flicking and was momentarily left on a show called 'The Talk', which left me confused, irritated and with a pounding headache.

Games to Play in Public Swimming Pools

Fancy a dip? If it's in a public swimming pool then it's a lucky dip if you'll come out alive.

Revealed: The Secrets To Flat-Pack Furniture Instructions and Installations

Good evening and welcome to "How To Design Instructions For Flat-Pack Furniture Installations"...

...Sorry, what is that my Mexican friend in the second row? No, señor, "English 101" is down the hall - HOWEVER, we strongly encourage you to do this course prior to any learn-to-speak-or-learn-to-write-in-English classes. In fact, it is a recommendation of this course that you not be fluent in the language of the country that you design flat-pack instructions for.

This Is Super

I haven't always been a Superhero. You could say I stumbled upon it by accident.

Go on, say it. Say. It!

[Caution: the following contains many superlatives]

One Way Conversations With David Thorne

Almost a year ago (if you are reading this 'now') a friend introduced me to Australian Humo(u)rist David Thorne.