Friday, 20 March 2020

On a roll

It's safe to say I for one (and number two) am not a Coronavirus fan. COVID-19 is upon us and the world has gone crazy. You may have heard there's a toilet paper shortage in Australia due to the many 'hoarders' out there.

Why?

I'm not entirely sure why this is happening but I can (and will) suredly blame every single mother out there (and the married ones, too). For it was told by all mother's in times gone by to their children that they must put on clean underwear for you never know when you may get into an accident. And I guess the detailed version of this advice would be that you need to have a wiped-clean butthole before putting on those undies otherwise the whole exercise would prove fruitless (but brown and stinky).

How embarrassing would it be to be found battered, bruised and bloodied on the side of a road as a result of a serious accident which has also ripped your clothes right off, exposing those stained panties. Boy would my face be red.

So, anyhoo - COVID is here and toilet paper is not. No one can spare a roll of toilet paper, let alone spare a square. The shops are empty and so I've taken to the internet to provide for my household (and the arseholes that reside inside it). That is where I stumbled upon this bulk buy deal which I just couldn't pass up:




Now Paul Hubbard's offer caught my eye (particularly, the brown one). Handily, he is in Maitland, NSW Australia. And it raised so many questions that I needed answering: mainly, number one and number two. Given that this COVID shit storm may be about to get real, and as I may need to eat all of the cans of baked beans I have stowed away in my pantry, garage and roof, there's a chance I'll need every one of those 2 ply rolls/rollos of dunny paper.



As the saying goes, 'when the shit hits the fan you don't want to be standing there with your pants down covered in specks of poop', so for the best interests of my precious arseholes I figured I should enquire:



 With 'Paul' currently in a meeting I am currently having an amazing day on Paul's advice while eagerly awaiting for negotiations to continue. Hoping to have three shipping containers arrive by next week.

Any further progress I will keep you ass-wipes updated (no pun intended)...

Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Lending A Hand (or two)

Here's a little story about the old and the new, beginnings and endings, oils and oils, palms and babies, and life on the factory floor...

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

My Mate Works At A Nuclear Reactor

My mate works at a Nuclear Reactor and I don't know what that means so I thought I'd ask some questions to (nu)clear it up...

Thursday, 19 January 2017

The Kyrgios Case of Benjamin Butt'ole (the Office Worker)

8:32am: Benjamin Butt'ole walks into the office with earphones on and bag over shoulder. Sits down at desk, takes his tracksuit pants off, unzips his bag at his feet and goes through his selection of pens for the day.

8:40am: Has a drink from his sports drink container. Spills a bit on his shirt. Yells to Doris in the kitchen to throw him a towel.

8:41am: Benjamin's Manager requests to speak to him in his office.

Thursday, 10 November 2016

Monday, 26 September 2016

On The Outside

[ THE SHORT STORY 'ON THE OUTSIDE' WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ONLINE BY DARKRUN REVIEW. IT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER/COMEDY/ACTION/SUSPENSE COP-STORY MYSTERY.
MOVIE RIGHTS ARE STILL UP FOR GRABS. ANYONE?

WARNING: CONTAINS NUDITY (IN WRITTEN FORM ONLY) ]

if you didn't click on the link above for the story don't worry, you haven't missed out, there's still time to read it - simple click here.


Tuesday, 30 August 2016

He whom never existed

For as long as he could remember, he didn't exist.

Never had.

He was Roger Skwishskoft. Or, at least, that's who he assumed he was had he existed.

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)

Like being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit made-up, current affairs television program.

Otherwise you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with English-Irish pop boy band 'One Direction' was not as it seemed.

Here's how:

Transcript of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'

Interviewer: [looking down at clipboard]
Hello, tonight I have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation One Direction... 

Friday, 27 May 2016

Climbing mountains

A time ago, a bit before the time I travelled back in time (or after, with relevance to my place in time, or yours, at the time), and a little after the time I tried my hand at being a Superhero, I set myself a goal to scale a mountain.

Not just any mountain, mind you.

Mount Pichachuchutrayn

Friday, 20 May 2016

Workplace Safety in Construction (and SHIT).

"Good afternoon CEO, 2IC, Chairperson, VC, UCE, Uso, Ladies & Gentlemen, Trans genders, dish-lickers and SFA's.

It is my good honour to have the stage at this privileged time of the proceedings, preceding the 'Accountancy Update' and following the lunch break. Prime time, baby!

Why they have such a dry and "taxing"... (* stepping away from the podium to do the world-wide symbol for inverted commas or I'm-a-wanker-look-at-me-this-was-funny-one-time-in-history-and-i'm-doing-it-now-expecting-mass-applause type actions *) ...topic like Accounting after the lunch break one will never know. Zzzzzzzz, am I right?!?