tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13058374503796502192024-03-13T20:12:40.215+11:00Ronnie Peace's Peace'O'MindFree stories and stuff. Read them. Please?Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-44655421797651076042017-05-17T16:18:00.003+10:002017-05-17T16:18:53.321+10:00Lending A Hand (or two)<em>Here's a little story about the old and the new, beginnings and endings, oils and oils, palms and babies, and life on the factory floor...</em><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">I’ve walked these cold,
concrete floors for nigh on 38 years and I swears I can see my footprints in
them in parts. Sometimes I can see where I’d walked way back when I had those 8
months or so with that limp and walking stick to aid my walk after that mishap
with the forklift. Friendly (and not so) games of soccer – ‘football’ is what
the Pommy’s, the Wog’s and the Irish (we don’t dare refer to them by nicknames,
due to their penchant for letting off bombs and going <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the knuckle</i>) insist we call it – were played at lunch time, and
into the early afternoons, and we used the forklift as a goalie. We each took
turns operating the forklift, though we should’ve thought twice before letting
ol’ blind Eddy turn the key. Sure, he saved a potential match-winning goal, but
in my view it was a dangerous tackle, with the machine busting up my right leg
in seven different spots.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">There were more angles in my
leg that day than at a porn shoot.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Yeah, they were some good
times we had here. The pay was shit, and the management not worth the eggs we
bought most Friday’s to coat their company cars with, but overall I reckon we
made our impact on society.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Making, bottling and
shipping the country’s finest Palm Oil has shaped the nation to what it is
today, in my view. Making the country bigger and better. Definitely bigger.
Fish’n’chips, bacon, sausages, pancakes, eggs, chops, crackling – try cooking
any of those bad boys without it, and you’ve got yourself a fry pan that you
can’t use again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">By the ‘finest palm oil’ I
of course refer to its texture, being the least coarse of all the palm oils
available. As we know, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Face Palm Oil </i>ranked
23<sup>rd</sup> overall in the country’s best edible oils (as ranked in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oil, Oil, Oil! </i>Magazine,
August Ed. 1989, before being controversially ruled ineligible the following
year after concerns were raised about its <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">edibleness
</i>(category 92) – which is baloney! If you can eats it, it’s edible ain’t
it?!? Tomato, potato, I guess).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Working on the ground floor,
I didn’t have much to do with the Face family that started up and owned the
business, so there’s not much I can tells you about them that you haven’t
already read about in the social pages of every reputable and disreputable
newspaper and magazine, nor what you would’ve seen every couple of months on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A 60 Minutes</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A Current Affair</i>, the TV special <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oils Ain’t Oil Barons</i>, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Australia’s
10 Most Wanted</i>, and the likes. But I can tell you I reckon the one mistake
they made was changing the spelling of their name to the widely renowned <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Face</i> from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Feces. </i>In my view, Feces would’ve given the product that air of
sophistication. A European type of vibe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Anyhoo, I been racking my
brains as to why they making them shutdown the factory and the business as a
whole and I keeping shooting blanks.</span></div>
<br /><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Safety: we were all pretty
safety conscious; glasses, gloves, long hair tied up, thongs (Kiwi George used
to call them Jandals, the funny buggar) would be strictly double pluggers.</span></div>
<br /><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Money: Percy stealing butter
from the fridge and taking toilet rolls home (more than one – surely they would
budget for everyone taking one home every now and again, but not for Percy to
take more than one roll home more than every now and more than every again.
Sometimes more than that) – I’m no good at maths and I’m sure it all adds up,
but surely this wouldn’t break the Face bank. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Sanitary: Clive would dip
his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Jatz Crackers</i> in the palm oil at
morning tea time. As a meal, he would also dip his savoury biscuits (not a
euphemism) in the oil with to have with cheese (also not a euphemism). But
Clive was clean, I can vouch for him. He had that rag in his back pocket for
wiping his hands every time he licked’em.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">Yeah I been racking my
brains and I can’t put my fingers on it. I can’t work out why the Faces been
forced to closed down the company, starting with this factory floor. Maybe it’s
got something to do with those men in their suits and their ties and their
slicked back hair and their manbags and their iPhones.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">I still remember the look on
that young kids face – I’m still not sure if it was respect, honour or awe that
he had – but he had it. From the moment he was introduced to yours truly and
informed that it was my palms that we extracted the oils from to make our
famous product he didn’t utter a word but he couldn’t hide the fact he couldn’t
wait to tell his workmates. Me? I don’t think I’m anything special, I’m just
one of the cogs that made this company run – just a little better oiled than
the rest. That’s one of our jokes that we still get a lot of laughs at. Yeah,
I’m just doing my bit. They get the oils outta my hands (sometimes my forehead,
and my pits in the more demanding months when sales are up) which is my job.
Bekky’s job is to portion the teabags out so’s we get six bags of tea out of
every teabag. And that in my opinion is a pretty important job. But ask a man
who doesn’t drink tea and he mightn’t think so much.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 150%;">So yeah, though it’s taken a
lot out of me over the years, it saddens me that we have to shut the factory
down and I don’t gets to turn up here no more. But as Dylan says, ‘The times
are a changa-chang’. The mumblin’ so-and-so. No idea what he meant, but some
peoples do so that’s good enough in my books.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-AU; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-AU; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Having said that, I’m
mighty excited to start my new job tomorrow at the Baby Oil Factory. Less of a
‘hands-on’ role for me, from what I’m told. Time for the younger generation to
give up <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">their</i> blood, sweat and tears
for a change. Though, as they used to tell me at the Faces Palm Oil Factory,
‘just make sure that there’s more than 50% sweat/oils than the blood’n’tears so
we can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">legally</i> call it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">oil</i>.’</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-14894813459256295732017-02-21T13:27:00.005+11:002017-05-08T11:14:55.810+10:00My Mate Works At A Nuclear Reactor<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>My mate works at a Nuclear Reactor and I don't know what that means so I thought I'd ask some questions to (nu)clear it up...</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hey there Belly, I've known you for a
long time (it seems longer) but realised when you said you were <i>'sorting some crap out at work</i>' that I didn't
know (and still don't know) exactly what you do at work when you say you work at a Nuclear Reactor. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">An image of Homer
Simpson from the opening credits of <i>The Simpsons</i> comes instantly to mind. Of course, you are less yellow than he is, with slightly more fingers, but the concept is there nonetheless.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But there are more questions raised than simply what you look like at work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Do you guys have the </span><i style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Pointer
Sisters</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> & </span><i style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Diana Ross</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> playing on repeat while at work, and you are all
burning as you are doing the neutron dance? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That is, while you are in the
middle of a chain reaction as you are getting your love ready for the sweet
sensation of instant radiation... (Seriously, <i>Google</i> the lyrics, it’s <i>nasty</i>).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is it frowned upon to say a
colleague is ‘over-reacting’ or having a ‘meltdown’?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is it standard procedure for
every worker to say, upon every single time they stand up, “Up and Atom!”?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The good people at <i>Wikipedia</i> tell me that a Nuclear
Reactor is formerly known as an <i>Atomic Pile</i>. Can you try and get everyone at
your work to refer to your place of work as an Atomic Pile? If you hear someone
say 'nuclear reactor' in a meeting shake your head in disdain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Also, mention in
a meeting with your boss that plutonium comes from the former planet Pluto, and
wink at him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course, if anyone questions you on this just laugh and say you were joking as everyone knows Pluto is a dog.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You should do this up to two times a month as a constant reminder for your work colleagues.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Whenever you go on holidays and
the guys from work ask you where you’re going, do you always respond with
“Going fission” then laugh at yourself? Then stop and explain to them that
fission sounds like fishing and that’s why it’s funny, but then say that you’re
not really going fishing it was just for a gag and that you're of course going to a Strip Club.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Having plants in the office is thought to encourage happiness and productivity. How often should you water your nuclear plants?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is it polite and motivational to yell out to your work colleagues "You DA BOMB!" at the top of your lungs?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I couldn't work at a Nuclear Reactor. I don't have enough self control. I'd be constantly jumping into the reactor with a spider to become a Superhero. Have you done this yet? Maybe a shark would be a better option than a spider. Though how the hell would we get a shark into the reactor?!?! Do you know how?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Agh, it's just as well. I get really self-conscious in spandex. But, of course, you remember your wedding - you've seen this first hand.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyhoo, I better let you go. You've probably gotta split atoms. We'll have to have a beer soon. Maybe come over after work on Friday and we'll throw some of those three-eyed fish on the barbie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yes, the doll.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-1641881723406963172017-01-19T12:26:00.002+11:002017-01-21T13:27:26.972+11:00The Kyrgios Case of Benjamin Butt'ole (the Office Worker)<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:32am: Benjamin Butt'ole walks into the office with earphones on and bag over shoulder. Sits down at desk, takes his tracksuit pants off, unzips his bag at his feet and goes through his selection of pens for the day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:40am: Has a drink from his sports drink container. Spills a bit on his shirt. Yells to Doris in the kitchen to throw him a towel.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:41am: Benjamin's Manager requests to speak to him in his office.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:44am: Manager gives Benjamin a gentle caution for shouting too loudly in the office and asks if he could refrain from doing so for the remainder of the day just like he has had to previously request on every other work day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:47am: Benjamin storms out of Manager's office but not before accusing his Manager of <i><span style="color: #351c75;">'unbelievable bias' and that his decision was 'f**king bulls**t</span>'</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:48am: Benjamin is called back into his Manager's office and asked to explain his outburst. He responds, <i>"<span style="color: #351c75;">So you're telling me every single person that has said that in this office has got a code violation?"</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Manager looks confused, suggesting that he doesn't know what a 'code violation' even means. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Benjamin carries on regardless, <i>"<span style="color: #351c75;">You are telling me that? In the history of our workplace? Every single person? You tell me that? That's rubbish!</span>"</i> He says this while gesticulating to the office window, much to the cleaner - Richard Kinnarkus' - bemusement. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Manager advises Benjamin that he needs to be careful and calm down or he'll be forced to call HR in to issue him with an official warning. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8:57am: Benjamin leaves his Manager's office and refers to him as <i>'<span style="color: #351c75;">dirty scum</span>'</i> to a fellow work colleague.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Benjamin spends the next two hours on social media before opening up his work emails, responding to each one with:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dear <i>Dirty Scum</i>,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>Couldn't care less, to be completely honest with you. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>Just... big deal</i>.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Regards, BB</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">11:03am: Benjamin is told by fellow work colleague, Hilton, that the Manager would like to see him in his office immediately. Benjamin, agitated with the news Hilton has brought him, responds, <i>"<span style="color: #351c75;">Dick Kinakis banged your girlfriend. Sorry to tell you that mate.</span>"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This had no affect on Hilton as he was</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> not currently in a physical relationship, and</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> was a homosexual.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">11:04am: Benjamin bursts into his Manager's office, who is currently on the phone. <i>"<span style="color: #351c75;">Get off your f***ing phone!</span>"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">His Manager finishes his phone call and gets off his <i>f***ing phone</i> in his own time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Benjamin, I've seen the emails you've sent this morning and, quite frankly, it's unprofessional and unacceptable".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Are you accusing me of <i><span style="color: #351c75;">tanking?</span>"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Tanking? Benjamin, I need you to do your job. For once, please just try to do your job. Try."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<span style="color: #351c75;"><i>Of course I tried,</i>" </span>Benjamin said. <span style="color: #351c75;"><i style="color: #351c75;">"There was a lot of ups and downs. It was a tough, tough time, especially when you're not missing any of my</i><span style="color: #351c75;"> emails... </span><i style="color: #351c75;">I feel as if I'm not </i>working<i style="color: #351c75;"> not how I should be </i>working<i style="color: #351c75;">. I'm angry at myself."</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75;">"OK Benjamin, now we're getting somewhere. I also need to talk to you about that heavy metal music you are playing at work. We're getting a lot of complaints..."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75;">"</span></span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 26px;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: #351c75;">I think it's mental. Mental side of things are big for me. That's where a coach would be good. But obviously I wasn't physically 100 per cent. But it's mental, as well. A massive part of it</span><span style="color: #1d1d1d;">.</span></i></span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Nope, I really think it's heavy 'metal' music, but we'll let that slide. Regardless, it would be much appreciated if you didn't play it in the office, for the sake of your co-workers, okay?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"</span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="line-height: 26px;">I don’t owe them anything. It’s my choice. If you don’t like it, I didn’t ask you to come watch. Just leave."</span></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 26px;">"Well take this as a direct order from your boss."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 26px;">"</span><span style="line-height: 26px;"><i><span style="color: #351c75;">Does it feel good to be up there in that chair? Does it make you feel strong?</span></i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 26px;">"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 26px;">With that Benjamin storms out of his Manager's office. His co-worker, Lleyton, asks him what happened.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 26px;">Benjamin says, "</span><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 26px;"><i>He was getting a bit lippy with me. (It was) kind of in the heat of the moment. I don't know. I just said it.</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 26px;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">12:47pm: In the lunch room Benjamin saddles up besides the CEO of the company and tells him that <span style="color: #351c75;"><i style="color: #351c75;">he would walk away from his job - at just 21 - if he ever wins the '</i>Employee of the Month<i style="color: #351c75;">' award</i></span><i>.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1:18pm: Benjamin walks back to his desk and throws the keyboard down on the ground. It bounces and almost knocks out a ball-boy. He pulls another keyboard out of his gym bag and sits down.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1:58pm: HR comes to talk about today's workplace indiscretions with Benjamin. Asking him why he thinks he has said and done things he has done today, Benjamin offers,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<i><span style="color: #351c75;">Poor management, I guess. I think I didn't have the best preparation. It's on me. Did a couple things in the off-season that I'm probably not going to do next time. It's on me, I guess. My body's not in good enough shape. You live and you learn</span></i>."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">HR recommends Benjamin go to the corporate gym if he believes his body is part of the issue, but suggests that management may not be to blame for his attitude problems at work.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Benjamin responds, "<i><span style="color: #351c75;">You know, it hurts. It hurts me to see them, they've got families, they're sacrificing their time trying to get me over the line. It's tough. It's tough</span></i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Well, that's good self-reflection there, Benjamin." HR says. "Now, I notice your sales figures are down - how do you think you are performing in selling these ATP Fans?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<i><span style="color: #351c75;">I am someone who gives a huge amount of time to my fans because I love and value their support. Their energy is what motivates me to reach for the top of the game. I regret that my year is ending this way and that I will not have a chance to continue chasing the ATP Finals</span></i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">HR questions Benjamin about a missing shipment of matches, asking if he is guilty in anyway of taking them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<i><span style="color: #351c75;">I'm Ok. Like, I'm all right. You know, the world keeps spinning. I lost one match.</span></i>"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lastly, HR addresses Benjamin about a complaint from a few clients about his work attire or, to be more specific, a lack of pants-wearing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<i><span style="color: #351c75;">I kind of like the freedom of just going out there, doing whatever, going with the flow a little bit. I just like being comfortable.</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">HR makes it clear that he must wear pants at all times, whether at the workplace or visiting potential fan-purchasing clients.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">On hearing this he threw another keyboard onto the floor, jumped onto his desk and yelled,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"</span><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>I didn't sign up for this shit</i></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">", while up there clearly showing a lack of pants around his <i>groinal</i> region.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As Benjamin is assisted out of the office by security the sound of booing from his co-workers rings in his ears. There is a solitary 'Aussie-Aussie-Aussie' that is loudly whispered with a noticeable lack of confidence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is no 'Oi-Oi-Oi'. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #1d1d1d; font-family: "merriweather" , "georgia" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 26px;">[Note: all italic words in a lovely purple hue are actual quotes from Australia's most tweet-able tennis player.]</span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8s9r-zW67C4/WIAVsPsLlbI/AAAAAAAAAWY/HYPagObfKYwqMEFcQo7cqGMs0_kN1B-owCLcB/s1600/kyrgios%2Btennis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8s9r-zW67C4/WIAVsPsLlbI/AAAAAAAAAWY/HYPagObfKYwqMEFcQo7cqGMs0_kN1B-owCLcB/s320/kyrgios%2Btennis.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-33356322514330321372016-11-10T12:42:00.002+11:002021-08-24T22:51:19.729+10:00Politically Recollect<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">I remember the last time I ran for President.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">It was a simpler time back then:</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">T</span><span face="'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">he Cronulla Sharks had never won a Rugby League Premiership; It was considered a good thing that burning coal kept us warm; You only had to flick through three TV channels to know nothing good was on; Your wife was arranged by your parents, not on some gimmicky TV show in front of millions of brain-dead people (that includes you, </span><i style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Osher</i><span face="'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">); Osher had a simpler name, with not an umlaut in sight.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">It was a three horse race, made simpler about halfway through the campaign when the favourite had to be put down for pulling up lame. Of course, the anti horse racing community were in uproar but to be fair she had had a magnificent life up unto that point and it was the most humane thing to do. </span><br />
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<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Who knows how long she would have had to suffer with that nasty cold.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">To be fair, at that point in time she was at long odds given civilisation were not yet ready to have a female President. Particularly one that was a horse. And a dark horse at that. </span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Despite the <i>naaay</i>-sayers...</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Given the state of the economy at the time I had to run my campaign on a tight ship. Despite the flood of votes we picked up from various seamen, it proved a terrible idea as most of the voting population were on land. My running mate contracted scurvy and the Captain of the ship finally lost his battle with seasickness.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">But whatever advantage we lost by being at sea, disconnected with the voting public, we gained for the same reason. Our opponent was very outspoken, being very effective in digging large holes with his words.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">He was a</span><span face="'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"> misogynistic pig</span><span face="'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">,</span><span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"> a whale harpoonist, a hair-puller, listened to Nickleback and drove a Volvo while wearing a wide-brimmed hat. We couldn't lose.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Due to the above, the campaign was going great for us. We were miles ahead (or kilometres ahead, for those more familiar with the <i>International System of Units</i>) - it was a race that we seemingly couldn't lose.</span><br />
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<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Until the unthinkable happened.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">I had a disagreement with my mother on the night of the Election - I can't quite recall the details, but it involved Lego, an alleged missing bedroom floor and some uneaten vegetables - and so was banished to my room.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Being absent on the night of the Election proved to big a hurdle to overcome and Dirk won in a landslide. A landslide of <i>Freddo Frogs</i>, <i>Jaffas </i>and <i>Lifesavers</i> (not of the Bondi variety), to be exact, which appealed to the voters sweet tooth's.</span><br />
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<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">And that's how I lost the un-lose-able Election. I never realised my dream to become President, while the people saw a pig elected to the chair for the first time in history. </span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Looking at the positives, though I got beaten by a swine, I still managed to flog a dead horse.</span><br />
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<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">In hindsight, I was much too old at 26 to be President of a cubby house anyway.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e59ox5ujW-c/WCPPoTbZGXI/AAAAAAAAAWA/ohlKX-hXa28iyOvPPPOAY3IiStDvlHjWQCLcB/s1600/Politically%2BRecollect.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ronnie Peace Cartoon Ron Acme" border="0" height="310" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e59ox5ujW-c/WCPPoTbZGXI/AAAAAAAAAWA/ohlKX-hXa28iyOvPPPOAY3IiStDvlHjWQCLcB/s320/Politically%2BRecollect.jpg" title="First President Pig of the Tree House" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cartoon by Ron Acme: The Presidential Tree House</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-66878619494279676642016-09-26T15:18:00.003+10:002021-08-24T23:00:50.463+10:00On The Outside<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">[ THE SHORT STORY '<b><a href="https://darkrunreview.wordpress.com/2016/09/04/on-the-outside-ronnie-peace/" target="_blank">ON THE OUTSIDE</a></b>' WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ONLINE BY <i>DARKRUN REVIEW</i>. IT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER/COMEDY/ACTION/SUSPENSE COP-STORY MYSTERY.</span></div>
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">MOVIE RIGHTS ARE STILL UP FOR GRABS. ANYONE?</span></div>
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">WARNING: CONTAINS NUDITY (IN WRITTEN FORM ONLY) ]</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif"><i>if you didn't click on the link above for the story don't worry, you haven't missed out, there's still time to read it - simply click <a href="https://darkrunreview.wordpress.com/2016/09/04/on-the-outside-ronnie-peace/" target="_blank">here</a>.</i></span></div>
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<span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div><span face="Trebuchet MS, sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-46335784961297638982016-08-30T17:10:00.001+10:002016-09-02T14:30:17.643+10:00He whom never existed<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For as long as he could remember, he didn't exist.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Never had.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was Roger Skwishskoft. Or, at least, that's who he assumed he was had he existed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Which he hadn't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But for someone who hadn't existed that was a fair assumption which was, unbeknownst to Roger, inevitably wrong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yet, at the same time, given his circumstance, or lack thereof, a very hard one to disprove.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Have you ever tried to argue with no one?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sure, it's a very easy argument to win with no counter-argument able to be argued. Even a semi-existent person would find that logic hard to argue with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But the fact is, if you go on arguing with no one, you may have a 100% success rate but you also come off looking as mad as a cut snake and find yourself no longer welcome to after-work drinks and family barbecues because your stupid-arsed sister-in-law Sharon doesn't want you around the children especially after the latest 'iguana incident'. Pffft!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But enough about Sharon, the jerk, and more on (or, moron) the non-existent Roger Skwishskoft.</span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yes, he, or she, or it, or not it, never was Roger Skwishskoft, so he, or she, or it, or not it, would have us believe, had he, or she, or it, or not it, existed, which he, or she, or it, or not it, never did. And so was the story of Roger Skwishskoft's that never was.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or would have been had Roger existed, which Roger indubitably did not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Roger liked to be called <i>Rodge</i>. Presumably. But that was impossible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some people like to poke fun at others who are not risk takers by saying, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Woah, dude, you've never lived!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Roger had never lived. Nor could Roger, or was Roger able, to take a risk. Yet not one gnarly dude had ever said that to Roger. How could they?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Roger's only chance of life was via a story such as this. Yet this very story goes on (and on) disproving his existence. Man, if Roger was here to read this, Roger would be pissed!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You're probably starting to feel a little sorry for Roger, aren't you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Roger's never felt pain. Roger's never had his heart broken. Roger's never wet himself in front of his entire School, got called <i>Pissing Pete, </i>had to go to counselling for over 7 years yet still can't stand at a urinal next to another man. For example.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So don't feel sorry for <i>Rodge.</i> Roger's had it pretty easy. Of which 'it' is, of course, nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you want to feel sorry for someone, you know you should feel sorry for? Me! I've had to put up with that judgemental bitch, Sharon, for far too long.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I mean, what I'm trying to say is, I wish this story was about Sharon and not Roger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This never existed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QXzxQnYH9Mc/V8Uv0kF4oqI/AAAAAAAAAVA/cim78MpqfEc87bHXiCKaFCY6i9Cs_4VkwCLcB/s1600/Ants.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ron Acme Ronnie Peace Peace'O'Mind" border="0" height="238" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QXzxQnYH9Mc/V8Uv0kF4oqI/AAAAAAAAAVA/cim78MpqfEc87bHXiCKaFCY6i9Cs_4VkwCLcB/s320/Ants.jpg" title="Ants Existence Cartoon" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cartoon: The little known 'Exist-Ants' are unique to<br />
the Ant family in that they are the only type of ant<br />
to have never existed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-43219634683939936072016-06-15T13:22:00.001+10:002016-06-15T15:12:00.035+10:00Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444;">Like
being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers
available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the
specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit
made-up, current affairs television program.</span></span></span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span></span></i><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444;">Otherwise
you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on
live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good
thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with
English-Irish pop boy band '<b>One Direction</b>' was not as it seemed.</span></span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444;">Here's
how:</span></span></span></i><span style="font-family: "courier new";"></span><br />
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<![endif]--><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";"><span style="text-transform: uppercase;">Transcript
of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'</span></span></span></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: [looking down at clipboard]</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">Hello, tonight I
have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation <i>One
Direction</i>... </span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">[looks up at camera, turns to look at Producer and mouths "who
the X-factor is this?!?"]</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">:</span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">[speaks
in his native accent of which can only be described as a poor cross between
Spanish, Mexican, French & Zoolander] </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">Helloooo!
I am the original five man group ‘Juan D Rekchuan’.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: But there is only one of you.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Yes. ‘Juan’, that is me! Juan!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: One. Of. You.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: You said there is five of you - a ‘five man
group’. But there is only you. Yourself. One person. It is simple mathematics.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Oh no-no. Not mathematician - Juan is
musician. There is difference.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Yes...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Ah yes! You see! <i>Cee</i>?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Yes, but…</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: <i>Cee</i>! Yes! Yes is <i>Cee</i>! See?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: You are insane.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Yes! I am <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/zayn-malik-lyrics-pillow-talk.html" target="_blank">Zayne</a>! I am Harry! I am... the other ... I am Juan D Rekchuan!</span></span><span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewer</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: [looks away from camera at producer]</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">What the
hell is this?!? I can't do this anymore. This is bullshit</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">[stands up, pulls out ear-piece and walks
away]<span style="text-transform: uppercase;"></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new"; text-transform: uppercase;">Interviewee</span><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">: Oh, no-no. Who is this <i>bullshit</i>? i am no 'bullshit'. This
is Jaun! This is five man group Juan D Reckchuan! (smiles at camera) How do you
do?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">
</span><br />
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">[PRODUCER CUTS TO A PROGRAM OF ‘SLOTHS MAKE YOU
LAUGH OUT LOUD’ – AN HOUR LONG TV SEGMENT FULL OF YOUTUBE CLIPS OF <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/bringing-in-new-year-salutations-and.html" target="_blank">SLOTHS</a>. IT
IS LATER NOMINATED FOR AND WINS A SILVER LOGIE AWARD FOR ‘BEST FACTUAL PROGRAM’
ALONGSIDE ‘GOGGLEBOX’ AND ‘HOW I SURVIVED ON AN ISLAND BY EATING MY OWN FARTS’]</span></span></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DDruEEY0BYQ/V2DJEbPSfzI/AAAAAAAAAUs/gymIW0P0PqEBTMF9JRdnfEhFSVpWW-9vACLcB/s1600/Juan%2BD%2BRechuan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ron Acme cartoon Peace'O'Mind One Direction Interview?" border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DDruEEY0BYQ/V2DJEbPSfzI/AAAAAAAAAUs/gymIW0P0PqEBTMF9JRdnfEhFSVpWW-9vACLcB/s320/Juan%2BD%2BRechuan.jpg" title="Juan D Rekchuan not One Direction maybe Josh Fadem" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cartoon: An artist's impression of Juan D. Rekchuan<br />
at the interview, regardless of if portrayed by Josh Fadem</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";">_________________________________________ </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; color: #444444; font-family: "courier new";"><i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Note: this transcript was written - and then typed up on an old IBM Selectric II typewriter, and then transcribed to a computer (a Commodore 64) before again being typed onto a free computer at the town library, where a young person with no visible facial expressions and a <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/08/giving-haircuts-chop-close-shave-and.html" target="_blank">funny haircut</a>, who communicated through grunts, helped me put this up on the world wide interweb - with the idea that the talented Comedian and Acting person <a href="https://twitter.com/joshfadem?lang=en" target="_blank">Josh Fadem</a> would film and 'star' in this interview himself. Possibly both as Juan and the interviewer. Sadly, this was never filmed as he was unavailable due to being never asked.</span></i> </span></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-30334119598748744812016-05-27T13:57:00.000+10:002017-02-21T12:09:49.682+11:00Climbing mountains<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">A time ago, a bit before the time </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/good-times-long-long-time-ago-yesterday.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I travelled back in time</span></span></a> (or after, with relevance to my place in time, or yours, at the time), and a little after the time </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I tried my hand at being a <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/this-is-super.html" target="_blank">Superhero</a>, I set myself a goal to scale a mountain.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not just any mountain, mind you.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Mount Pichachuchutrayn</i>. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Mount Pichachuchutrayn was a relatively unknown mountain ranked as the 3rd-and-a-half highest in the world, after <i>Mount Everest</i>, <i>K2</i> and <i>Kangchenjunga</i> and before <i>Lhotse. </i>Forming part of the <i>Outta Ranges</i>, it is thought to be located somewhere between the Indian city of <i>Outtalucknow</i> and <i>Islamabetter</i>, Pakistan.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">[Now you may have noticed, oh eagle-eyed reader, that I have been using past tense when describing the 3rd-and-a-half highest mountain in the world, Mount Pichachuchutrayn, like it had somehow disappeared or, at the very least, shrunk.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">Well, that's because it's true. My grammar on this occasion has not been in error. At least, not in that part of this particular wordy thing.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">History shows that unusually ranking Mount Pichachuchutrayn the 3rd-and-a-half highest mountain in the world was done in good judgement given it's sudden landslide in the world rankings. In fact, it's no longer even ranked given it is a mountain no more.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">Here's how...]</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To scale a mountain such as Mount Pichachuchutrayn I knew I had to get in peak fitness, so I compiled an elite team of the best in the business to get me into shape, including Stephen Dank (Sports Scientist and Calf-blood dealer), James Hird (AFL Essendon ex-coach), Dr H (America's Biggest Loser), Richard Simmons (lover of spandex) and some of the best Sherpas that would agree to help in exchange for some copied VHS tapes of 'The Best of Red Faces'.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I then put together a montage of Rocky and Karate Kid inspirational scenes and my preparation was done.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Soon after I set off with my Sherpa's on my trek to scale the mountain. And so in laid the problem.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I scaled Mount Pichachuchutrayn for 57 days and 13 nights when I finally reached the top. Yet my feet were still firmly on the ground. At base camp.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It was then I realised I should've paid more attention to my Sherpa friends when they were shouting, "Noooo!", "AGGH, what are you doing?!?!" and "For the love of Buddha, STOP!", in their native tongue while in their native kitycows.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For I had commenced scaling Mount Pichachuchutrayn with a fish scaler where, in hindsight, I should have climbed the mountain and left the scaling up to the experts (fishermen and <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/07/finalely-last-supper.html" target="_blank">Masterchef</a> contestants).</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so it took me 57 days and 13 nights to completely scale down the 3rd-and-a-half highest mountain to the size of a molehill.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This in turn completely destroyed the livelihood of the Mount Pichachuchutrayn Sherpa community as, besides ants and moles, no one was enticed to climb <i>Mound</i> Pichachuchutrayn and therefore hire and pay the Sherpas for their Sherpa services. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And as we all know, moles and ants are extremely tight with their money.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Sherpas were forced to leave their community, in part, as they were chased out by the angry fishermen who enacted union action <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">against</span> the Sherpas for letting me <i>scale</i> the mountain of which <i>scaling </i>is a specialist skill that their 'Conditions of Employment (Salary Agreement)' nominates as a sole responsibility of Fishermen (and women, and Masterchef contestants), and also in part to search for a livelihood <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">by which</span> they sold themselves to dyslexic Pet Shop<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> owners</span> as Shar-Peis for quite the pretty penny.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Needless to say, the locals laid the blame solely on myself for the whole brouhaha.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Personally, I thought the whole situation had been blown out of proportion.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To me they seemed to be making a mountain out of a molehill, by me making a molehill out of a mountain.</span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-13531296141162555822016-05-20T12:49:00.001+10:002017-06-14T12:49:08.268+10:00Workplace Safety in Construction (and SHIT).<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Good afternoon CEO, 2IC, Chairperson, VC, UCE, Uso, Ladies & Gentlemen, Trans genders, dish-lickers and SFA's.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is my good honour to have the stage at this privileged time of the proceedings, preceding the 'Accountancy Update' and following the lunch break. Prime time, baby!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Why they have such a dry and "taxing"... </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* stepping away from the podium to do the world-wide symbol for <i>inverted commas</i> or <i>I'm-a-wanker-look-at-me-this-was-funny-one-time-in-history-and-i'm-doing-it-now-expecting-mass-applause </i>type actions *)</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> ...topic like <i>Accounting</i> after the lunch break one will never know. <i>Zzzz</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">zzzz</span>, am I right?!?</span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Haha, yeah, you think it's funny don't you, Barry. Everyone, Barry from the 2nd floor who sends out those <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">witty</span> emails about big-b<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">usted </span>blondes </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* winks at Barry *)</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ok, that was just a little light humour to get everyone in the mood after lunch. Don't worry, there's more where that came from </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* looks at Supervisor *).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ha, everyone, my Supervisor Stanley! Look at him over there, he's shaking his head at me. Such a dry sense of humour.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lbelwT6YeUM/WARoNwuy8RI/AAAAAAAAAVs/vYAvjIeDA8kxEY-oYLonQ38fnqlOk31wgCLcB/s1600/SHIT.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Dickhead Protection" border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lbelwT6YeUM/WARoNwuy8RI/AAAAAAAAAVs/vYAvjIeDA8kxEY-oYLonQ38fnqlOk31wgCLcB/s320/SHIT.JPG" title="Ronnie Peace Hazard Awareness Sign" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo: Signs can be an affective form of Hazard awareness</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Right-eey-oh, now, to my Work Health and Safety (WHS) talk. Before I start I will have to ask you to put your earplugs in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm waiting...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Aaargh, haha, I'm just yanking your chains - with three points of contact, of course! A bit of WHS humour which you will all appreciate ... when you get it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yeah, there you go, Jane from the front desk just got it. Record time for Jane, too. That's right, we all know Jane don't we.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But seriously folks, it's good to have a sense of humour with all things in life, but safety is no laughing matter - <i>Wheelchair William</i> is a good case in point. Hi William - always got the best seat in the house don't you, mate. No, no, don't get up on my behalf.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ooooh, tough crowd.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ok, Ok, this has been fun, right. But let's get to the main act. I've been asked to speak to you all today about an exciting new initiative in the safety field.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For nigh on many months now - some may say years, and some may be <i>calenderically</i> correct - I've been working on a new concept for dealing with WHS in the workplace.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lord, I give to you: the Safety & Health Initiatives Team!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* waits for applause *)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* continues to wait with a supercilious grin upon face *)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The S.H.I.T. y'all!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now that the concept has been finalised and funding has been approved, the SHIT is about to get real.</span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lPDGv04ynB8/Vz0-50DglEI/AAAAAAAAAUc/Vh3WuWoh7OI9mOtqQR0lbS5nNnFeFX07wCLcB/s1600/SHIT%2BAcronym%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ron Acme Cartoon Peace'O'Mind" border="0" height="342" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lPDGv04ynB8/Vz0-50DglEI/AAAAAAAAAUc/Vh3WuWoh7OI9mOtqQR0lbS5nNnFeFX07wCLcB/s400/SHIT%2BAcronym%2B1.jpg" title="Two people talking shit, shit acronyms" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cartoon: Two people talking shit</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Although it may seem like it has taken an overly long time - as 'Supervisor Stanley' keeps chiding me about - quality results take time, and that's how long it takes to get my SHIT together. But, as you will no doubt agree - and I'll take the liberty of quoting the Queen of little doubt, Gwen Stefani, here - "this SHIT is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-r-n-a-r-z".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So with the announcement from accounts that funding is forthcoming, it definitely looks like SHIT is happening.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">am</span> compil<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ing</span> a SHIT made up of the best people that this company can excrete and, once trained up, we will dump the SHIT on all our work sites at one time or another throughout the country.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you would like to be put in the SHIT, by all means I am happy to make that happen. Remember, and I think I can speak for the CEO here - haha, <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">she's a funny woman, shaking her head at me with a <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">silly cross look on her concerned face - no one is too big in this company <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">to be <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">dumped in the SHIT.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I make <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">SHIT happen.</span> </span></span></span></span></span> <br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course, in it's infancy, we will be asking for volunteer sites eager to have a SHIT based on their project. Believe me<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, as the ma<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">in S<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">HIT-<i>kicker-</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>off-er-er</i>, </span></span></span>I can't wait to have SHIT run all over each and everyone of your pr<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">ojects.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lastly, the main focus of SHIT is to make safety the number one priority again. So, everyone, join with me in our chant:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial"; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'</span>SHIT for more than number two's, SHIT for more than number two's, SHIT for more than number two's...<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">'</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(* drops the microphone on the floor and kicks the lectern over *)</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">[Speaker<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">]</span> '<i>Ok, that was Ronnie with his SHIT presentation...let's take a 10 minute toilet break...'</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">_______________________________________________</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For more SHIT references from Ronnie Peace, see:</span></span></i></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/10/regular-drinking-of-alcohol-can-prolong.html" target="_blank">'Regular Drinking of Alcohol Can Prolong Your Life'</a>, which contains a '<b>shit</b>' cartoon that is self-admittedly very good;</span></span></i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> An expose' entitled <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/revealed-secrets-to-flat-pack-furniture.html" target="_blank">'Revealed: The Secrets to Flat-Pack Furniture Instructions and Installations'</a> in which a cartoon attempts to answer the age old question - does a Wookie <b>shit</b> in the woods?;</span></span></i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/05/games-to-play-in-public-pools.html" target="_blank">'Games To Play In Public Swimming Pools'</a>, which uncovers more than just poo in the pool. </span></span></i></span> </span></li>
</ul>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-22314958387588824992016-03-25T11:28:00.001+11:002017-04-21T13:16:17.348+10:00An Easter (cotton)Tale<span style="font-size: large;">I approached the door to the house through the path from the front gate that was unhinged. It was quite the unnecessarily long sentence to do so but we got there in the end. The yard was overgrown with weeds, yet barren of grass with the earth littered with holes.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I rapped on his door with a consciously friendly beat. It worked. He opened the door with a wobbly smile and we exchanged pleasantries (ie. pleased to meet you; nice tie; I like the holes in your yard; and so on).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: large;">As I entered his home the front door mat caught my eye. It's the third time the damn thing had fallen out this week.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I made a note of what was on the mat - 'WELCOME TO OUR WARREN'.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Cute.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I sat in his lounge room under a dim light, the curtains to the room closed, while his wife brought in some lunch from the kitchen.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"I hope you don't mind carrot soup", she asked.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">She spoke in a quiet, shaky voice as the soup spilt over the edges of the bowl.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"You really shouldn't have, you are too kind", I said.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He looked at her lovingly but with sadness behind his dark, round eyes, nodding in appreciation as she retreated back to <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/11/the-heat-in-kitchen.html" target="_blank">the kitchen</a>.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"She has never been the same since the ... the incident", he said, "But she's tried to carry on living, as we all have."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It was obvious that he loved her but the strain was clearly evident.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Ya know, I know we're getting on in age but what I'd give to see that hop in her step just one more time. That energy ... that bounce ... that lust for life ... has been buried deep inside the burrows of her heart for many, many years now".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He drank the soup from the bowl with a hunger like a wild animal. He licked the bowl clean, with soup sticking to his grey whiskers, before finally looking up again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"I wonder ... if people knew ... what we've been through .. what we went through ...", his nose twitched, continuously, with the spasms of a dying fish out of water (like at the end of that Faith No More music video, <i>Epic</i>. It sure was ...), "...I wonder if they would celebrate each year like they do now."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He looked back down and scratched his long, floppy ear. The past clearly remained a burden for this couple.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Easter is not a happy time for us. Too many terrible memories."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Though the 'incident' occurred many, many years ago, it is clear that the scars were still raw so I didn't press him and let him take his time. Ya know, 'cos I'm a good investigative journalist.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There's a prolonged silence and, being conscious of the footy being played that afternoon I did a fake cough and moved my hands in a 'move along' motion.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"You probably want to hear about the 'incident' of which I refer."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Finally.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"We were broke. I was unemployed. The missus was heavily pregnant with triplets. It was making it hard for her to keep down two jobs. So, ya know, I had no option."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As I jotted down his story I noted for the first time that four young children sat in the corner of the room. I presumed they were playing quietly or reading to themselves as they hardly moved nor made a noise.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"I saw the ad in the local paper - The Colony - for paid participants in pharmaceutical trials. We needed the money and the Doctor - Doctor Winka or Wonka, I think - maintained it was completely safe. Of course, with my nerves and twitches and what-not I couldn't possibly do it, so the wife went in her lunch breaks."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It was at this point I did the thing with my hands again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"It wasn't until the triplets were born that we knew something was wrong. Something very bad had happened, and I KNEW it was from those damned experiments on my wife."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I looked to my right and saw two more younger children sitting next to me on the couch.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"The doctors said nothing. They simply wrapped up the triplets in these colourful, metallic blankets, popped them in a basket and sent us home with them. They didn't cry, like normal babies would. They just sat and stared, wide-eyed, void of movement."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He was momentarily distracted when a fly landed upon his nose. He flipped it and he flopped it and it flew away before he continued.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"A few months later we had more children, and they were the same. Some had dark skin, others had white. There was one kid that was completely round! Like a bloody egg, would you believe!?!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I did, of course, as I had read something about something at one time. "Research". But I did a shocked look to humour him.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It turned out I put too much expression into the look and it, in turn, shocked him. Nevertheless, he shook this off and resumed his story.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Again we had more kids the next month and they were more of the same. It's completely ruined our little family of 56!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"And what's worse is the children at their schools have discovered that they taste delicious so they're constantly under threat of being eaten. The neighbourhood have taken to hiding my babies around their houses every Easter time for their own children to find! The cops are no good, they think it's funny. Some of them join in."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"My poor kids. Half of them have their ears missing.... wait, Ronnie, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Being the thorough investigative reporter that I am, and with an undeniable sweet tooth, I took it upon myself to grab one of his children, peel back his metallic blanket, and taste for myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He was delicious!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"Put my son DOWN, Mr Peace! Right now!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I took another bite before doing as requested.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">"I'm going to have to ask you to leave my house right now", Mr E.Bunny shouted as he grabbed me with his paws by the scruff of my neck and escorted me outside.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I grabbed one of his children - a milk chocolate one, filled with beanies - on my way out for the trip home.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Jessica Rabbit, Mr Bunny's wife, saw what I had done and, suffice to say, she wasn't happy. In fact, she was literally hopping mad.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Which is quite a good pun to end this story on.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">_________________________________________________</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Happy Easter everyone!</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-33244149648000157112016-03-14T23:37:00.002+11:002016-09-02T14:32:34.379+10:00The Morning After<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A blinding light pierces through the worn curtains that are my creased eyelids. Through the green fog floating about my brain I take my time to surmise that it must be 'tomorrow' at 'some time'<i> </i>in the 'day'.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Sun's rays that have cruelly taken the opportunity to enter the room as it noticed the usual defence mechanisms have not been drawn across the windows form needle-like objects as it continually inserts itself into the back of my brain through my eyeballs. Though that sentence may seem long, confusing and painful to read, it is not due to the writer's inept writing skills (though they don't hurt) but a clever metaphor (or whatever it's called) for what it was describing.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></span><br /></span>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Due to the aforementioned fog, the pain takes a while to register before making its presence known.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is not welcome here.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I blindly reach for the closest bit of 'anything' that I can grasp to shield my eyes. It's long, thin and silky, and will have to do.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I wrap the dark green, stained <i>Tullamore Dew </i>promotional neck-tie around my head like a blindfold. I drift back to resume my alcohol-induced coma, as the aromatic blend of stale <i>Guinness, Kilkenny, Stewed cabbage & bacon, black pudding, whisky </i>and<i> doner kebab </i>waft from my makeshift blindfold and into my nasal passage.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Another uninvited guest. My stomach protests.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I regain consciousness sometime later as my body grows tired of trying to swallow the thick, dried sludge that has formed at the back of my sandpaper-tongue. Going by the unfamiliar taste in my mouth I am almost certain someone has shat in my mouth during my slumber.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can't be sure, but I suspect it's the little man grinning wildly at me in the corner as he hops from foot to foot. He has a green top hat and beard, and seems unhinged. I throw him all <i>me lucky charms</i> within reach, and he flees up the chimney.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I muse about that age old riddle; <i>what goes up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?*</i> Where I should really be focusing my attention on the fact that I don't actually have a chimney.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This unexpected brain activity takes an immediate toll on my body, and it instantly rewards itself by shutting down once again.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In a confusingly hot and cold, sticky sweat I awake half-heartedly once more. I roll over and am startled to find that I have half-naked company. It seems I am joined in my bed by either a haggard looking 'lady' (to be generous) or a grossly deformed, human-sized wombat or <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/bringing-in-new-year-salutations-and.html" target="_blank">sloth</a>. My mind has neither the ilk nor the wont to work out which, and so I do my best to smile politely at this revolting thing and close my eyes again in the hope that it returns from whence it came.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It does not.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead, it shouts mostly unintelligible noises in my direction in a thick Irish accent. It seems unimpressed. The words I recognise that have spewed forth from the hole where her(?) mouth is are 'breath', 'look' (a lot) and, stereotypically, 'tiddly-dee' and 'potatoes'.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finally, one can only assume it starts up a large jet engine which is quickly followed by a foul and pungent odour from beneath the sheets. It cackles and pulls the sheets up over my head.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Moments before I pass out again I make a mental note about this being my first (and, <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/religious-semantics-sermontics.html" target="_blank">God-willing</a>, only) Irish-Dutch oven and instantaneously throw up a black, chunky bile onto my pillow.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A slurping sound brings me back to life. My face feels wet. I say a quick prayer to St Patrick that the creature that was laying naked in my room that when I open my eyes is not only gone but not licking my face.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Ah, the luck of the Irish has paid out! I open my eyes and see my loyal </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Rottweiler, Roger,</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> cleaning up my mess on the pillow and, importantly, NOT the 'thing' that has thankfully gone from whence it came.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I celebrate by doing a loud fart as I attempt to move the rest of my body towards the shower. Roger is not impressed (with both the sound and sight) and leaves the room. He's often disappointed with his Master and goes to cheer himself up by rolling in a dead kookaburra that the cat had prepared earlier.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I catch a glimpse of my lifeless face in the mirror and see it is covered in various shades of green Irish stickers, fake </span></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">tattoos and lipstick. A shower now seems more work than I am prepared for and I return to bed.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">On the bed I see a note that says, "Tiddly-dee, call me" with a phone number underneath.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I'm too ashamed to see my friends and workmates after yesterdays probable embarrassments - and my stomach and fluid levels are at dire levels - so I figure why not, I need to eat and drink and I could do with the company, and so I call 'it'.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">After all, 'it' <i>is</i> my boss so I will have to see her again eventually.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I thank the foremost patron Saint of Ireland that, as an Australian, I only have to celebrate this day once a year.</span></span></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uclOfOFf--k/VuawJ1VBGEI/AAAAAAAAAUM/8E0ozGTtXZEBOS0OV3eLIolHSXQb6b20g/s1600/shamrock.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind Ronnie Peace Ron Acme" border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uclOfOFf--k/VuawJ1VBGEI/AAAAAAAAAUM/8E0ozGTtXZEBOS0OV3eLIolHSXQb6b20g/s320/shamrock.JPG" title="three-leaved shamrock fan" width="288" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Wow, a talking fan</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">(* Oh yeah. The answer to the riddle is most probably an inflatable sex doll)</span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-61988643520931781512016-02-25T17:26:00.005+11:002022-03-02T10:17:41.624+11:00Zayn Malik Lyrics - Pillow Talk<span style="font-size: x-small;">Hi, I hope you can indulge me today, or at any time that you are reading this, as I would like to transcribe the lyrics to <i>Pillow Talk </i>- yet another musical masterpiece by renowned musician Zayn Malik. Zayn has written many classic hits such as <i>Pillow Talk</i> and presumedly others of different names. My wife has just informed me that he is also <i><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com/2016/06/exclusive-one-direction-interview.html" target="_blank">One Direction</a> - </i>a quick search of the wide world web (the 'internet' for short) shows that he was most likely the North West one, with his musical abilities a result of the cross-breeding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian (that girl can sing, y'all!). Though my favourite song of his is <i>InZayn In The Membrane, </i>the Zayn Malik (nee North West) song that I would like to transcribe for you today (of which you can read at your own leisure - or download the audiobook and listen, as read by Donald Trump) is a little ditty of his called <i>Pillow Talk. </i>Enjoy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>Song: Pillow Talk</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Performed by Zayn Malik</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Written by Zayn Malik, Levi Lennox (Annie's son. Or daughter?), Anthony Hannides, Michael Hannides (no relation)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Transcribed and interpreted by Ronnie Peace</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Cly mon bow </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(possibly scatting or on drugs; 'mon' is definitely short for 'man' in Jamaican)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Wee</i>'ll go slow a</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">nd hard to </span><i><span style="font-size: large;">po </span><span style="font-size: x-small;">(urinating slowly, constipated; po slang for poo, shit, etc)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Light indoor </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(most modern houses have this feature via 'light bulbs')</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Hold me hard in <i>Milo</i> </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Kinky; Milo is a a popular Australian energy drink that boasts 'Activ-Go' - Zayn may think it may help with his constipation)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">I'm 'c'ing the Payne seeing the pleasure </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(c'ing is short for the c'word; rude word - he's cussing at ex- 1D member Liam J Payne)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">No buddy, butt chew </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">body-butt me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Body-butt, arse </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Zayn is definitely an arse man when it comes to the ladies, obviously. Or men. Men have butts too)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">bodies together</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I love to hold you close, tonight and always</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">I love to wake up next to you </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(to be honest I couldn't understand these two lyrics so I just made some shit up; I hope you liked it)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I love to hold you close, tonight and always</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">I love to wake up next to you </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(as above, I just repeated it again here)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">So we'll piss off to <i>Neighbours</i> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(</i>Neighbours<i> is an Australian Soap Opera with untrained actors that we export to England as it's terrible)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In the place that fills ya tears</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The place to lose your fears</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Yeah, Ricky-less behaviour </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(refer </i>Ricky Sharpe<i>, as she's on </i>Home & Away<i>, not </i>Neighbours<i>)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">A place that is so plus so dirty and rarrr </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(a noise a lion makes)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In da betta day, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">bet all day, </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(gambling problem)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">bed or day </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Fuck Kim (J)ung, </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(</i>Kim Jung Un<i> - Zayn making a political statement here)</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Find his dong </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(inferring he has no penis; ridicule)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">It's a <i>Parra</i> dice and it's <i>Awah</i> sewn </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(Parra is short for </i>Parramatta Eels<i>; a Rugby League team. The dice was sewn together by a man named Awah)</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">It's a </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">Parra</i><span style="font-size: large;"> dice and its </span><i style="font-size: x-large;">Zawar's</i><span style="font-size: large;"> own </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Awah gave it to his good mate Zawar)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Pillow toe </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(Zayn's foot has fallen asleep. Haven't we all.)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My enemy </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>(...it always happens to him at the worst possible times; his foot falling asleep, or pillow toe, is his achilles heel)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">My hell, agh </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(it really annoys him)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Prisoners </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(his feet are in shackles when they go to sleep on him; reference to Australians - England's convicts)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then we're free </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(ah, relief, his foot has woken up)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">Is it fin </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(finished)</i></span><span style="font-size: large;"> la </span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>("a note to follow so"; see </i>The Sound Of Music<i>)</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: large;">I'm c'ing the pain, c'ing the pleasure </span><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(swearing at that relief you get when you get feeling in your foot, but it comes with that stabbing pain)</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">....(it goes on, and on, and so I lost concentration and started googling those images of Kanye West falling asleep and they're pretty fucking funny so I'm a gonna keep looking at them now).</span><div><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">The End.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">Fade out.<br /></span>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uw0oRHI3QRA/Vtj3_d_jARI/AAAAAAAAAT8/maBcbZqLTqM/s1600/Zayn%2Bhat.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind Ronnie Peace" border="0" height="282" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Uw0oRHI3QRA/Vtj3_d_jARI/AAAAAAAAAT8/maBcbZqLTqM/s400/Zayn%2Bhat.jpg" title="Zayn Malik Cover Album CD" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture: The new CD cover for Zayn Malik's debut album</td></tr>
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<div class="verse" style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 16px;">
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</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-86489313519023801912016-02-12T16:27:00.003+11:002016-02-12T16:27:20.766+11:00Another Valentine's Day Special #2: Material Love<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>Material Love</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Lyrics by Ronnie Peace</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Verse 1: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Hello Mr Moth</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Outside of my window.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Planning a break-in</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>to chew on my chinos.</i></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Eats my clothes; doesn't suck</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>He's no mosquito.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Addiction is deep</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>to things with a bright glow.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Chorus:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>Flap your dusty wings </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>to the light of a </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>material love,</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>ma-terial love.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Verse2:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>In love with the fabric</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>of my agalia.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>It's a material love</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>that's sure to ail ya.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>It's got me thinkin'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>back when the cavemen danced.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>What were they eatin'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>when we didn't wear pants.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Chorus:<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Flap your dusty wings </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">to the light of a </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">material love,</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">ma-terial love.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><i>Rap (in style of Kanye West, or better)<span style="font-size: large;">:</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>what, what</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>huh? </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>I be gettin down like a moth</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>flappin and a flippin</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>your clothing i be eatin'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>the chewin' </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>of the gaberdine </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>is what i'm doin'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>that's how i'm dinin'</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>that's how i'm flyin' </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>as the watchers they be moth-ing</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>they be moth-ing</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>they be moth-ing</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mdKpu3I2uVo/Vr1rwf2zX_I/AAAAAAAAATk/KslH60gl6TE/s1600/Moth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Ronnie Peace funny cartoon" border="0" height="280" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mdKpu3I2uVo/Vr1rwf2zX_I/AAAAAAAAATk/KslH60gl6TE/s400/Moth.jpg" title="Cartoon: Mothballs" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Cartoon: Though it takes a steady hand, hanging mothballs in your wardrobe<br />is an effective warning to other male moths thinking about chewing your<br />clothes (hint: be sure to remove the balls from the moth beforehand).</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>_____________________________________</i></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: medium;">[note: We hope you enjoyed our latest Valentine's Day </span><i style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: large;">Peace de resistance</i><span style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: medium;"> which keeps the 'winged love' theme centred on the 'ugly duckling' of butterflies - the moth. For the few that missed 2015's equally romantic Valentine's Day poetry it'll set your heart a flutter - click </span><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/a-valentines-day-special-poetry-in.html" style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: large;" target="_blank">here</a><span style="font-family: times, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: medium;"> for a good time.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
Happy Valentine's Day to all ye loved up schmucks from all of us monkeys locked away down here at the Peace'O'Mind factory.]</div>
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-38280532125119067392015-12-22T14:02:00.002+11:002016-09-02T14:35:10.748+10:00The Blinking Christmas Lights Factory<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ah, Christmas time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Aaargh!!!!!! Christmas time.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The time of year where it is consciously accepted, even encouraged, to string up as many cheap flashing lights as one can and send the electricity grid into overdrive.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The time of year where, for a month, the world strings up said lights, throwing caution to the wind, wilfully celebrating the burning of fossil fuels, raping and pillaging the forests for trees to parade their corpses in our homes, as we forget about <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com/2014/11/man-made-global-warming-and-other-myths.html" target="_blank">man-made global warming</a> (if you believe in that type of bleak thing) in paying homage to:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> a) The Baby Jesus;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> b) The <i>jolly fat man</i> (aka Santa Claus) and his army of slaves (refer: <i>sweatshops</i>);</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> c) Imaginary characters (refer a) &/or b) dependant on your beliefs &/or age); or</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> d) Any excuse for a holiday from work.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I used to work in a factory that made those lights. In fact, I worked in </span><i style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">the</span></i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> factory that made those lights.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The time was 1928 (a bit after lunch). A guy I used to knock around with - you know, doing the typical things of the time like roaring and jazzing and flappering - came up with the brilliant idea of making and selling Christmas lights.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Though someone had already come up with the idea in the early 1880's, most he told weren't to know it wasn't his original idea given the lack of internet service of the time which made it hard for information to spread.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That, and his idea was specifically to make cheap fairy lights that wouldn't last very long and are very easily tangled yet near impossible to untangle. The business idea was simple - make a product that was part of a yearly tradition so that it would be required each year, particularly by tantrum-able children, and make it easily affordable yet highly defective (replaceable).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">His name was Blinky Bill - not </span><i style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">the</span></i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> Blinky Bill. Though, he was a koala, all the same. And filled with delicious runny caramel, which is a sweet story for a whole other time.</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He employed me in his start-up factory as his left-hand man. It made my job very challenging as I was right-handed, but I believed in his vision and persevered nonetheless.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We started out making fairy lights which proved a steep learning curve. Even back in the 1800's where such things were more easily believed and magic was real, fairies were very hard to come by. And they tended not to last long being tied to a piece of wire in tandem.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The strategy changed to light bulbs that blinked. He devised an ingenious wiring strategy that meant if only one of the many light bulbs blew then the whole Christmas light set wouldn't work and, due to the wiring, it was near impossible to tell which one was defective. I was responsible for fitting each set with at least one defective light and in a random order each time. The wiring was constructed with the finest of wires meaning that each light was only one bump or movement away from not working. It was pure, evil genius.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, the Great Depression hit in 1929 and he was forced to sell the company to Taiwan Pty Ltd for little more than a penny (a pretty one) who still manufactures them to the same design template in this current day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But if you happen upon a set of Christmas lights that aren't working this year, you'll know they're one of Blinky's. And if they're one of Blinky's, you'll know the parent of the household will have at some point muttered the Blinky Bill slogan:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Aargh! These Blinkin' Christmas Lights must blinking' be from Blinkin' Blinky Bills!"</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dn0YQRoc0Fw/Vni8xZF6NKI/AAAAAAAAATU/xD5zEr49fms/s1600/snowman2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind Cartoon" border="0" height="306" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dn0YQRoc0Fw/Vni8xZF6NKI/AAAAAAAAATU/xD5zEr49fms/s400/snowman2.jpg" title="Snowman humour melts your heart" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Cartoon: <i>Snow </i>is me</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Have yourselve's a blinkin' </span><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/new-christmas-songs-2014-hymns-and-hers.html" style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">Merry Christmas</span></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> y'all!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(Note: despite going bankrupt during the Great Depression Blinky Bill went on to do many things, albeit with limited success (mainly due to the failures which limited the success somewhat). He created 'air beds / air mattresses' that were designed to last no more than 2 usages before having a minute hole appear). He designed the 1971 Ford Pinto before putting his mind to computers where he currently works behind the scenes on iPhone update software)</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-24208615445912042452015-12-21T21:58:00.002+11:002022-03-02T10:21:27.249+11:00A Private Conversation Between Adam and Eve<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Some time before the commencement of sexual relations between the infamous Adam and Eve (no doubt as they wondered if they were brother and sister, or not), Adam got curious.</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">"Eve", he said, "what do you have hidden behind your leaf?"</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">Eve, taken aback by Adam's forward questioning and embarrassed by it, replied:</span><br />
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span face="Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">"Uhhhh ... I gotta split" And took off into the night.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-83630186421787725032015-11-26T20:33:00.000+11:002016-09-02T14:33:56.120+10:00The Heat In The Kitchen<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The fence heard the onyx kettle take offence and got scared for his own safety, creating another barrier to relations in (and out of) the house.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The dog escaped through the missing fence and bit the mailman very stereotypically on the mailbag.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In the kerfuffle the portable heater was knocked to the ground. The saucepan helped it stand back up again.</span><br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8wj-pVZ5gL8/Vlbp-qcHWaI/AAAAAAAAATE/Z4ePmfmEuN8/s1600/Heat%2BIn%2BThe%2BKitchen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind Cartoon" border="0" height="267" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8wj-pVZ5gL8/Vlbp-qcHWaI/AAAAAAAAATE/Z4ePmfmEuN8/s320/Heat%2BIn%2BThe%2BKitchen.jpg" title="Too many cooks spoil the broth" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PHOTO: Something we prepared earlier. A great meal to<br />
prepare with leftovers from <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/07/finalely-last-supper.html" target="_blank">The MasterChef Finale</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The chaos was causing mixed feelings in the house (not the fault of the blender on this particular occasion). The kitchen sink was finding the whole commotion draining, yet the kitchen tap appeared to be turned on by it all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was all becoming a little too heated. Someone blamed the oven, who in turn, blamed the microwave (who was turning).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I suggested we all sit down over a cup of tea to resolve this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The saucepan suggested it may be more comfortable to sit down on chairs, which was a much more realistic suggestion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The cup of tea breathed a sigh of relief (it had been tea-bagged twice today already)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We were short two chairs so I got some stool samples out of the fridge. The baking tray decided to stand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The heater misjudged his seat and fell basting-brush-over-whisk again. The dust pan stood it back up.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I went to boil the kettle, but it seemed someone had stuffed it full of fish. This wasn't the </span><i style="font-family: 'helvetica neue', arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">black</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> one, which is a whole other kettle.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things calmed down as we all enjoyed a relaxing cup of tea. He was doing wonderful, laid-back renditions of Katie Perry songs on his ukulele.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As much as this placated the room, the ukulele seemed strung out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To show her appreciation, the toaster decided to raise a glass to the relaxing cup of tea's talents. Of course, the toast burnt, which turned the smoke alarm on. The kinky bugger.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The smoke alarm shared a look with the tap.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To clear the air the spatula turned the fan on. But that didn't work, it was completely exhausted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, having heard all this, the tiles were completely floored.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Everyone looked over at the kitchen sink and laughed. The tap was still turned on, which was quite the running joke.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The heater laughed so hard it fell to the floor yet again. Everyone came to the heaters assistance (except for the splayds* who are a bunch of weird-arse looking inbreds) but no matter how hard they tried the heater was laughing so much that they couldn't stand it back up again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>(* also referred to as sporks)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Which only goes to show if you can't stand the heater get out of the kitchen.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-40949673255004092122015-10-29T22:16:00.002+11:002018-10-30T11:36:33.603+11:00Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hallo'. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Halloween</i>, or <i>Hallowe'en</i> (<span style="font-size: small;">for those who prefer the incorrect use of apostrophes in random placements in order to appear s'marter than they are</span>), is an annual day of celebration observed (and participated) on 31 October.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Religious historians would have you beli'eve the day has Christian origins, with possible pagan roots (which should be dyed regularly), occurring on the eve of the Western Christian feast of <i>All Hallow's Day</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The religious leader of the time ('Bob') thought up the idea to scare the absolute living shit out of people in an attempt to have them yell, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Holy Shitballs!", </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Jesus H. Christ!" or </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Dear Moses' scrotum!", </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">as an unorthodox way of spreading the Word of the Lord.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/religious-semantics-sermontics.html" target="_blank">As blasphemous as this</a> idea sounded it found some short-lived success, increasing Christian numbers in the 8th Century (<span style="font-size: small;">coincidentally by the exact same percentage of the birth-rate of the time</span>) and reaching number 4* on the Twitter Trending rankings of the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>[*Source: The Vatican; as etched on the back of the door in the mens restroom, cubicle 2]</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A small group of researchers in the 1840's refuted the above, claiming they had met upon a man from Scotland that they could understand and who was not drunk. As unlikely as this scenario would seem these dwarf-sized researchers documented claims from the man that it was in fact the Scots who concocted Halloween as a way of celebrating the ancient Celtic harvest festival <i>Samhain</i>.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OrTGgymAdOY/VjGWvdNHbjI/AAAAAAAAASk/5A4-QOOOoWQ/s1600/boo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Halloween for Idiots" border="0" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OrTGgymAdOY/VjGWvdNHbjI/AAAAAAAAASk/5A4-QOOOoWQ/s320/boo.jpg" title="Boo Boo is un-scare-able on Halloween " width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Try as one might it was next to impossible to scare<br />
Yogi Bear's height-challenged friend, even if<br />
dressed as a Pac-Man ghost (the yellow one)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course, whatever the origin, it was inevitably always going to lead to food, bonfires and the hollowing out different types of fruit and vegetables then carving scary faces in them before putting a candle inside it (or similar <i>illuminative</i> objects such as a light bulb, nuclear waste or Donald Trump's spray-tan. Allegedly).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Initially, the food tradition started with fruits and vegetables, as nutritional historians would have us believe. And do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: large;">Of course, that was never going to catch on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">An intellectual friend of Albert Einstein's devised a cunning plan to make himself rich from the celebration by introducing lollies, chocolate, candy and sugar dipped honey to the tradition - an easy sell given the natural enemy to a child's taste buds being 'fruit and vegetables, and given a parent's Kryptonite is a child's tantrum when they can't have lollies. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was as simple as giving candy to a baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">His name was Sir William E Wonka. Many thought of 'Willy' as a superior intellect to Einstein, and many were right (though we can't be sure which one). Sir Willy went on to be hugely successful with his chocolate factory, becoming rich beyond his wildest imaginations and driving a fully sic Corvette with phat rims.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, he met an untimely demise after being unfairly scrutinised by the dastardly Official-types at the Health & Safety Departmental Place who investigated him for unusual levels of radiation at the factory after one or two of his employees complained of <em>glowing orange skin</em> and <em>stunted growth</em> since working there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He couldn't handle the negative press, went on a curly-wurly-fuelled bender and ultimately died in a high speed elevator accident. A sugar crash.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Devastated by his good friends passing, Einstein was reported to have posted a tribute to Sir Willy via Instagram which read,</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<em>What goes up must come down."</em></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Other li'l known FACTS about Halloween:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">At the start of each festival the house-band (alternative Pennsylvanian band <i>Ween</i>) would play their spooky 'death-harvest' song <i>Push Th' Little Daisies</i>: before the opening note it became a thing for crowds to yell out to the band "Hello, Ween!" And so, the festival soon became known as <i>Halloween</i>;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Though Sir William E Wonka received sole credit for introducing lollies to Halloween, it was a group of out-of-work Dentists that flagged the idea with Willy;</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Donald Trump sticks a candle in his mouth on Halloween and no one can tell the difference between him and a <em>Jack'O'Lantern</em>. <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(hint: one of them's had all the shit removed from their mouth before the candles inserted, the others dribbles out naturally. At Halloween there's a LOT of jack'o'lanterns - the rest of the year there's a helluva lot more jack'o'trump);</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Halloween first started with prostitutes - during the <em>Great Abstinence</em> of 1267 the Ladies of the Night were unable to make a living 'turning tricks' for cash. After hiring some fast-talking advertising hotshots, they devised a plan to reinvigorate their business by diversifying to also selling a range of sweets. This was called <i>Trick or Treats</i>.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Female College students and B-Grade actors have increasingly used Halloween as an excuse to get their boobs out.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Male College students, and many voyeurs around the world, look forward to Halloween each year with eager anticipation.</span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Happy Hallowe(')en</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: large;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: large;">(now lock your doors and turn off your lights - the little people are coming...)</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-70364527977563556682015-10-08T12:49:00.000+11:002016-09-02T14:36:44.501+10:00Magpie Season<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.<br /><br />Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then I say, "Yes they do. Everyone says it. Stop reading my stuff"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then she says, "You're an idiot"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then I say, "Shut up! Get me another beer, goddammit!!" under my breath.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And then she says, "What did you just say?!?!" with her hands on her hips.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And I say, "Nothing, darling. I love you."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Regardless of whether I did end up getting that beer, the fact remains that spring time in Australia is a terrifying time for many Australians that choose to travel by foot, wheelchair, hoverboard, skateboard or bike in the vicinity of a magpie's nest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For spring is <i>Magpie Season</i>. And in direct contrast to the Looney Tunes' hilarious "Rabbit Season / Duck Season" scenario, it is the Magpie that is the hunter.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">During Magpie Season, the magpie stalks it's human prey from behind and above without warning. The victim will hear a '<i>swoosh</i>'ing sound milliseconds before the magpie thrusts it's sharpened beak deap into the victims cranium.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">At dusk you will hear the magpies laughing to each other as they tell their stories about the trauma and pain they had inflicted on the human race of that day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Many lives are allegedly lost each year during magpie season to these <i>silent killers of the sky</i> - too many to count, and many more than those taken by sharks. And even more than deaths caused by taking epic selfies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yet the government does nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Which is why I have taken it upon myself to use my words to warn others of the dangers before it is too late and humankind is taken over by the black and white flying overlords, eventually walking amongst us, driving our cars and taking our women.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As such, here is a poem to raise awareness. No doubt, it will be turned into a song and recorded by U2 or Coldplay or, equally, by a bunch of cats getting strangled. In anticipation of this foregone conclusion, I also wrote a rap to go with it (yes, Kanye, you can do this part).</span><br />
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Hello Mr and Mrs Magpie</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Aiming me up</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>from up in the sky</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Birds nest in my hair</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>viewed as their bullseye</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>Quite the odd couple</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Mr and Mrs Magpie</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Communique from these two</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Ain't so black and white</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>The way they say 'hi'</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Is to attack from up high</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>To peck at your scalp</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Is their way to surprise</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>Come from behind (like the Greek)</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>They are really quite shy</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>To gouge deep in your skull</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Is their loving goodbye</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>Click-Bang, Click-Bang</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Mr and Mrs Magpie</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>This is your last Goodbye</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Now get into my</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Deliciously native</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>And Seasonal </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Magpie-pie</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">(recipe as seen on <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com/2014/07/finalely-last-supper.html" target="_blank">Masterchef</a>)</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i>(rap)</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Hi</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>It's I</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>They call me the Magpie</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>The Mr</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Not Mrs, that's her</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Say hi</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>We get high</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>By attacking your scalp as we fly by</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>Your head</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>We peck til you bled</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>or 'bleed', that's the correct tense</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: large;"><i>grammatical sense</i></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-66589467172876274842015-09-18T13:55:00.002+10:002016-09-02T14:37:29.734+10:00The Stages Of Life<br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IqcLuzvnn-Y/VfuLNmkiB6I/AAAAAAAAASY/UZIG15NQ29w/s1600/nuts%2BSAY%2BNUTTIN.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind" border="0" height="277" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IqcLuzvnn-Y/VfuLNmkiB6I/AAAAAAAAASY/UZIG15NQ29w/s320/nuts%2BSAY%2BNUTTIN.jpg" title="Nut Humour: What did one nut say...?" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>As a Sperm</i>: Over-populated (see <i>India</i>). Millions are slaughtered on a daily basis. Only 'The Chosen One' or two will survive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>As an Embryo</i>: Food on tap. Cramped living conditions, but peaceful. Lonely. Suspended in liquid - not recommended for those susceptible to sea or motion sickness. Room appears to gradually get smaller. Occasional prodding from behind flexible walls of room. Keep fit by punching and kicking walls.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>The Birth</i>: Someone pulls the plug and water escapes without warning. Scary. Try to escape* through only, and ridiculously small, opening.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>(* some appear to have an accomplice working on the outside that cut an escape route / sun-roof)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Miraculously make it out of the demolished place that has been home for the last 9 or so months. Bright lights. Scary people in masks. One of them cuts the safety chord. Too scared to scream. Can no longer function as the life water is gone from body. Another person throws me on a table and continually hits me. It all becomes too much and start crying. Everyone seems to take great satisfaction in this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Baby</i>: Weird feelings and discomfort in stomach. Finally find a white liquid that quells the pain. Have to suck the serum out of two large orbs. It constantly makes me sick. Throwing up all the time. But need it. May be addicted?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Giants keeps hitting me on back. Constantly falling asleep after the beatings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Yellow and brown liquids emit from below my waste. Giants keep removing this for me which I take some pleasure from.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Giants make weird faces and make weird sounds - they don't know how stupid this makes them appear.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I make some attempts at calling for help late at night at random times for someone to rescue me from these giants, but the giants always make it to me first and force the white serum down my throat. Then hit me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Infant</i>: Slow, prolonged pain as one tooth after another appears forcefully through thick gums at a time. Torture. Why?!?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finally get given some real food.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Slowly working up the skills to be mobile<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">.</span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This</span> will be critical to my escape plans.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The giants seem incapable of learning my language so I have commenced learning theirs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They seem determined to make me 'poo-poo', 'wee-wee' and 'go potty' in a big white opening. I prefer to make them remove it and clean it from me for now.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Child</i>: Giants send me off to a holding place during the day where other 'survivors' like myself are held. They have a guard to look over us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Teenager</i>: Appear to be getting bigger, which will aid in my escape. Skin is covered in lumps. Voice is malfunctioning. Possible side affects from poisoning from the giants in attempts to thwart my escape. I can communicate fully now, but choose not to for fear they will learn too much of my plans.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Adult</i>: The escape is successful! Freedom!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm now as big as the giants and fear the many years they held me in captivity has made me incapable of surviving in the wild, nullifying my natural instincts.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And so I return to the nest numerous times.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Senior</i>: The body has slowed up. It creaks and breaks down regularly. It expands outwards as it seems to have reached it's maximum expanse upwards. In fact, it seems to now be retracting. The hair seems to have grown tired of the spots it had occupied on the body having retreated from there but now taking up previously unoccupied sites.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Elderly</i>: The body appears to be retracting slowly into the shape it was as an embryo. The body now appears to be rejecting foods, through gaseous and other emissions.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can no longer feed myself, and solid food is no longer an option as the body seems to have finally won it's battle against the teeth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Finding it easier to communicate through my native language, rather than the one I had adopted from the giants.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Death: Cramped living conditions, but peaceful. Bodily fluids finally stopped emitting from every orifice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>More on (or, moron) the <i>life in a nutshell</i> expression</b>: click <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/life-in-metaphorical-nutshell.html" target="_blank">here</a> for more on that, from the moron himself*</span><br />
<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-13900227086543258832015-09-18T13:53:00.000+10:002016-09-02T14:38:11.488+10:00Life In A Metaphorical Nutshell<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have probably just read my learned piece on <i><a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/the-stages-of-life.html" target="_blank">The Stages Of Life</a></i>. And, presumedly, loved it very much, throwing bouquets of roses from the balcony with a tear in your eye in admiration. That's natural. If you haven't read it yet, you should. Or wait for the movie starring Jason Bateman and <a href="http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/to-celia-poempology.html" target="_blank">Celia Paquola</a> and save yourself the hassle of reading.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In it (unless it was cut from the movie version) you will remember the well-known turn of phrase I had regurgitated in the name of journalism. That is, the one about <i>life in a nutshell</i>.</span><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Em9X1p6ikEE/VfuGTo40CsI/AAAAAAAAASM/wT6e2yfZVWo/s1600/nuts%2BMENTAL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Peace'O'Mind Cartoon" border="0" height="277" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Em9X1p6ikEE/VfuGTo40CsI/AAAAAAAAASM/wT6e2yfZVWo/s320/nuts%2BMENTAL.jpg" title="Nut humour: Nut house" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course, no one lives their life inside a nutshell. Unless you happen to be a nut. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But not a human nut <i>per se</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is simply a phrase made famous by the legendary and delightful English Secret Agent, Sir Austin Powers (refer the 'International Man Of Mystery' documentary on the aforementioned), that my Editor has applied to my piece on 'The Stages Of Life' in a cheap attempt to get some extra readers (additional to my mum and myself - does not include my Editor) on the following illiterate garble about the life cycle of a typical human being.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>More on (or, moron) the <i>life in a nutshell</i> expression</b>: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As we all know - if not now, then definitely at the end of this long-winded sentence - a nut is by definition a<i> fruit</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As a nut IS a fruit, this then makes sense of the phrase that refers to us as the <i>fruits of our mother's loins</i>. Particularly if your mother's name is Michelle or Shelly; that being a nut<i>Shell</i> or nut'<i>Chelle</i>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being that the <i>Pork Loin</i> is arguably the most tasty of all the loins, we can then draw reference from the pork loin to another delicious byproduct of the pig - pork belly (preferably not within earshot of one's mother).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The <i>pork belly</i> in turn relates to where we are initially grown - the '<i>belly'</i> - and how - a '<i>pork'</i>. The pork belly is the nutshell that us nuts are all given life through.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A 'ballbag' is also another name for the <i>shell</i> of which your <i>nuts</i> are kept. In this, the nuts are, of course, genitals.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And that, my juicy fruits, is life in a nutshell.</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-34031132091306230042015-09-15T08:01:00.001+10:002015-11-10T13:58:23.747+11:00A Poem: My Turn<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My Turn</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">By Ronnie Peace</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>[A Poem about Australia's newest Prime Minister, 2015]</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Malcolm before</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Mal come again</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Malcolm's turn now</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Turn bull to PM</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A butt of the joke</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Abbott of the spill</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tony down to knee</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The odds shorten, Bill</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A Labor of love</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A Liberal amount</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The votes have come in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But the Greens won't count</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bishop to Rook</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hockey one, Hockey two,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">SCRATCH</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-79440934271333699082015-08-24T15:59:00.000+10:002015-08-24T16:00:01.128+10:00The Two Ronnies<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When my good mate Ronald McDonald and I get together hilarity generally ensues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>(and hopefully when his McSolicitors get a load of this, they don't on-sue me)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, how we laugh.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just two clowns bouncing off of each other.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>(note: this is not a paid or unpaid endorsement of their product. Not to say I wouldn't accept a big cheque and spruik their small greasy feeds. In fact, I would insist on one of those ridiculously large novelty cheques - the monetary amount would be insignificant in comparison)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our latest <i>tete-a-tete</i> commenced when I heard of his latest McCost saving McMeasure to have us suckers build the burgers ourselves, thus doing away with the job of Burger-Builder and putting more money in his ridiculously oversized clown pockets. Typical Ronnie Mac!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And it went a little something like this (a <i>tweet-a-tweet</i>):</span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6CL5Kj2gpy4/Vdqq9vQW8iI/AAAAAAAAAR4/PbQtzIR-k4o/s1600/The%2BTwo%2BRonnies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-6CL5Kj2gpy4/Vdqq9vQW8iI/AAAAAAAAAR4/PbQtzIR-k4o/s640/The%2BTwo%2BRonnies.jpg" width="596" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Looking at the emoticons he used in his last tweet I decided to cease transmission due to health concerns as I could only assume he was having a stroke which forced him into convulsions ending in him throwing up his own heart (or one he had eaten earlier, I can't be sure).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ah, haha, typical Ronnie Mac!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-71109400756801964202015-08-03T13:33:00.000+10:002015-08-03T13:33:21.165+10:00To Celia: A Poempology<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>To Celia: A Poem<i>pology</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>By Ronnie Peace</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">(A poem of apology, of which I would also like to apologise for this here poetry)</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm sorry Celia,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For incorrectly typing Cecilia</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On the <i>Twittersphere-ia</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I did not mean to cause <i>offence-t'ya</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of your umbrage, I <i>feel-e-ya</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You see, Celia</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I feel even sillier</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As your kinda a big deal-e-a</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On the telly in 'stralia</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tops comic, ya really-are</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My fat fingers I blamed</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">More accurately, the 'thumbs' they be named</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And my haste, caused me shame</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Though this may be quite lame</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A peace offering be this poem's aim</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With news of Cecil the Lion</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In the media, of his dyin'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I may have also been combinin'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">'Cecil' and 'Celia' without tryin'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I know you're Celia, I'm not lyin'!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You are the queen of the sillier</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">PEOPLE! If you haven't seen her</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">GO SEE CELIA</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">On 'HYBPA' there's none more <i>laughier</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Also brilliant on 'Utopia' </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">(Season 2 commences 19 August)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I hope you can see</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I put an extra 'Ce', see?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But not deliberately</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You're THE Celia, see</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Please, forgive me????</span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RkfA-lBIJCg/Vb7d3YoBN1I/AAAAAAAAARg/jBlh2NlsZ3g/s1600/CPack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="303" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RkfA-lBIJCg/Vb7d3YoBN1I/AAAAAAAAARg/jBlh2NlsZ3g/s320/CPack.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-19243705725229484042015-07-23T13:00:00.000+10:002016-01-20T08:04:19.099+11:00A Poem #2: P(r)o(s)e<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Poetry</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, Po-e-try</span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of course</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">What rhymes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To Edgar Allan Poe, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"A tree!!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So silly when said aloud to thee</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Soliloquy</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1305837450379650219.post-37643103294701257172015-07-22T16:26:00.002+10:002015-09-09T11:18:56.798+10:00A Poem: Who Am I<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">O'er 'ere's a clue</span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For you</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am the type</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Whom types</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Such tripe</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">From me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">To you</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There's much ado</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And typing </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">About nothing</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">(oh, so much ado)</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Thanks for reading. You can stop now. It's finished. Please stop.
You're wasting no one's time but your own. I wish I could waste other people's time instead of my own so I'd have more time to myself. Time is the fourth dimension. I'm not sure who ranked it in 4th spot. I imagine it would be voted on from a panel of monkeys, one from each country in the world, to ensure no bias. I like monkeys. Their idea of funny is peeing in their mouths and throwing their poop at each other. I get that.</div>Ronnie Peacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09566579110040890933noreply@blogger.com3