Lending A Hand (or two)

Here's a little story about the old and the new, beginnings and endings, oils and oils, palms and babies, and life on the factory floor...

My Mate Works At A Nuclear Reactor

My mate works at a Nuclear Reactor and I don't know what that means so I thought I'd ask some questions to (nu)clear it up...

The Kyrgios Case of Benjamin Butt'ole (the Office Worker)

8:32am: Benjamin Butt'ole walks into the office with earphones on and bag over shoulder. Sits down at desk, takes his tracksuit pants off, unzips his bag at his feet and goes through his selection of pens for the day.

8:40am: Has a drink from his sports drink container. Spills a bit on his shirt. Yells to Doris in the kitchen to throw him a towel.

8:41am: Benjamin's Manager requests to speak to him in his office.

Politically Recollect

I remember the last time I ran for President.

It was a simpler time back then:

On The Outside

[ THE SHORT STORY 'ON THE OUTSIDE' WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ONLINE BY DARKRUN REVIEW. IT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER/COMEDY/ACTION/SUSPENSE COP-STORY MYSTERY.

MOVIE RIGHTS ARE STILL UP FOR GRABS. ANYONE?

WARNING: CONTAINS NUDITY (IN WRITTEN FORM ONLY) ]

if you didn't click on the link above for the story don't worry, you haven't missed out, there's still time to read it - simply click here.

He whom never existed

For as long as he could remember, he didn't exist.

Never had.

He was Roger Skwishskoft. Or, at least, that's who he assumed he was had he existed.

Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)

Like being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit made-up, current affairs television program.

Otherwise you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with English-Irish pop boy band 'One Direction' was not as it seemed.

Here's how:

Transcript of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'

Interviewer: [looking down at clipboard]
Hello, tonight I have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation One Direction... 

Climbing mountains

A time ago, a bit before the time I travelled back in time (or after, with relevance to my place in time, or yours, at the time), and a little after the time I tried my hand at being a Superhero, I set myself a goal to scale a mountain.

Not just any mountain, mind you.

Mount Pichachuchutrayn. 

Workplace Safety in Construction (and SHIT).

"Good afternoon CEO, 2IC, Chairperson, VC, UCE, Uso, Ladies & Gentlemen, Trans genders, dish-lickers and SFA's.

It is my good honour to have the stage at this privileged time of the proceedings, preceding the 'Accountancy Update' and following the lunch break. Prime time, baby!

Why they have such a dry and "taxing"... (* stepping away from the podium to do the world-wide symbol for inverted commas or I'm-a-wanker-look-at-me-this-was-funny-one-time-in-history-and-i'm-doing-it-now-expecting-mass-applause type actions *) ...topic like Accounting after the lunch break one will never know. Zzzzzzzz, am I right?!?

An Easter (cotton)Tale

I approached the door to the house through the path from the front gate that was unhinged. It was quite the unnecessarily long sentence to do so but we got there in the end. The yard was overgrown with weeds, yet barren of grass with the earth littered with holes.

I rapped on his door with a consciously friendly beat. It worked. He opened the door with a wobbly smile and we exchanged pleasantries (ie. pleased to meet you; nice tie; I like the holes in your yard; and so on).

The Morning After

A blinding light pierces through the worn curtains that are my creased eyelids. Through the green fog floating about my brain I take my time to surmise that it must be 'tomorrow' at 'some time' in the 'day'.

The Sun's rays that have cruelly taken the opportunity to enter the room as it noticed the usual defence mechanisms have not been drawn across the windows form needle-like objects as it continually inserts itself into the back of my brain through my eyeballs. Though that sentence may seem long, confusing and painful to read, it is not due to the writer's inept writing skills (though they don't hurt) but a clever metaphor (or whatever it's called) for what it was describing.

Zayn Malik Lyrics - Pillow Talk

Hi, I hope you can indulge me today, or at any time that you are reading this, as I would like to transcribe the lyrics to Pillow Talk - yet another musical masterpiece by renowned musician Zayn Malik. Zayn has written many classic hits such as Pillow Talk and presumedly others of different names. My wife has just informed me that he is also One Direction - a quick search of the wide world web (the 'internet' for short) shows that he was most likely the North West one, with his musical abilities a result of the cross-breeding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian (that girl can sing, y'all!). Though my favourite song of his is InZayn In The Membrane, the Zayn Malik (nee North West) song that I would like to transcribe for you today (of which you can read at your own leisure - or download the audiobook and listen, as read by Donald Trump) is a little ditty of his called Pillow Talk. Enjoy.
________________________________________________________________________

Song: Pillow Talk
Performed by Zayn Malik
Written by Zayn Malik, Levi Lennox (Annie's son. Or daughter?), Anthony Hannides, Michael Hannides (no relation)
Transcribed and interpreted by Ronnie Peace

Another Valentine's Day Special #2: Material Love

Material Love

Lyrics by Ronnie Peace

Verse 1:
Hello Mr Moth
Outside of my window.
Planning a break-in
to chew on my chinos.

The Blinking Christmas Lights Factory

Ah, Christmas time. 

Aaargh!!!!!! Christmas time.

The time of year where it is consciously accepted, even encouraged, to string up as many cheap flashing lights as one can and send the electricity grid into overdrive.

The Heat In The Kitchen

I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. 

Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').

Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?

Hallo'.


Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

The Stages Of Life

As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...

Life In A Metaphorical Nutshell

You have probably just read my learned piece on The Stages Of Life. And, presumedly, loved it very much, throwing bouquets of roses from the balcony with a tear in your eye in admiration. That's natural. If you haven't read it yet, you should. Or wait for the movie starring Jason Bateman and Celia Paquola and save yourself the hassle of reading.

In it (unless it was cut from the movie version) you will remember the well-known turn of phrase I had regurgitated in the name of journalism. That is, the one about life in a nutshell.

Of course, no one lives their life inside a nutshell. Unless you happen to be a nut. 

Games to Play in Public Swimming Pools

Fancy a dip? If it's in a public swimming pool then it's a lucky dip if you'll come out alive.