Lending A Hand (or two)

Here's a little story about the old and the new, beginnings and endings, oils and oils, palms and babies, and life on the factory floor...

Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)

Like being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit made-up, current affairs television program.

Otherwise you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with English-Irish pop boy band 'One Direction' was not as it seemed.

Here's how:

Transcript of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'

Interviewer: [looking down at clipboard]
Hello, tonight I have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation One Direction... 

Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?

Hallo'.


Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

The Stages Of Life

As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...

Life In A Metaphorical Nutshell

You have probably just read my learned piece on The Stages Of Life. And, presumedly, loved it very much, throwing bouquets of roses from the balcony with a tear in your eye in admiration. That's natural. If you haven't read it yet, you should. Or wait for the movie starring Jason Bateman and Celia Paquola and save yourself the hassle of reading.

In it (unless it was cut from the movie version) you will remember the well-known turn of phrase I had regurgitated in the name of journalism. That is, the one about life in a nutshell.

Of course, no one lives their life inside a nutshell. Unless you happen to be a nut. 

A Poem: My Turn

My Turn

By Ronnie Peace

[A Poem about Australia's newest Prime Minister, 2015]

Malcolm before

Mal come again

Malcolm's turn now

Turn bull to PM

A butt of the joke

Abbott of the spill

Tony down to knee

The odds shorten, Bill

A Labor of love
A Liberal amount
The votes have come in
But the Greens won't count

Bishop to Rook

Hockey one, Hockey two,

SCRATCH

The Two Ronnies

When my good mate Ronald McDonald and I get together hilarity generally ensues.
(and hopefully when his McSolicitors get a load of this, they don't on-sue me)

Oh, how we laugh.

Revealed: The Secrets To Flat-Pack Furniture Instructions and Installations

Good evening and welcome to "How To Design Instructions For Flat-Pack Furniture Installations"...

...Sorry, what is that my Mexican friend in the second row? No, señor, "English 101" is down the hall - HOWEVER, we strongly encourage you to do this course prior to any learn-to-speak-or-learn-to-write-in-English classes. In fact, it is a recommendation of this course that you not be fluent in the language of the country that you design flat-pack instructions for.

This Is Super

I haven't always been a Superhero. You could say I stumbled upon it by accident.

Go on, say it. Say. It!

[Caution: the following contains many superlatives]

One Way Conversations With David Thorne

Almost a year ago (if you are reading this 'now') a friend introduced me to Australian Humo(u)rist David Thorne.

Bossy boots

As detailed in the brilliant documentary "Horrible Bosses" every single human has a natural tendency to want to put their bosses out of their misery. Or, at the very least, to cause harm or pain to.

Reginald was no exception to this rule.

Of course, he could never act on these God-given urges. Or could he?

Australia Day Long Weekend Part 2 - Don't Drink The Water

(Continued... 
note: if you haven't read Part 1 click here or this will make even less sense than it actually does)

Next thing we know it's Australia Day and we're hungover.

Each year we celebrate all that is Australia Day by being hungover, blowing up the mini outdoor pool, filling it with water as we cook the bbq, restock the Esky (chilly bin, cooler, box to keep the beer cold), shoo some flies, paint our faces with zinc, apply fake Australian sticker tattoos and turn on the radio to listen to the inaugural Triple J Hottest 100.

Bringing in the New Year - Salutations and Salivations

[ THIS WAS PUBLISHED ONLINE BY INTERNATIONAL LITERARY ONLINE JOURNAL QUEEN MOB'S TEAHOUSE AS 'SOMEBODY BRING IN THE NEW YEAR' ]

Preface: Please bear in mind* this article was intended to be read on New Years Eve, though it was written in early 2015. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be less distracted by shiny objects, and more inclined to manage my time better (and less inclined against the bar most nights). 
Time machine not included.
(*During a successful 14 hour neurological surgery the bear was removed by TV doctor, Dr House. Though not a real doctor per se, he has a delightfully funny bedside manner which was worth the risk)

As the last day of 2014 dawned upon us, friends were heard to shriek "AGH! A cockroach!!", for there was a large cockroach making it's way across the seafood buffet.

New Christmas Songs 2014 - Hymns and Hers

What I don't know about music you couldn't fill a staff with.

While that lead-in sentence is quite the amusing musical overture (there's another), it can be said that music is a part of me (left inner thigh), as much as me is a part of music. It is well known amongst my admirers that I like to keep the beat of bad company. That was, until the so-called bad company found out, and broke into my house to reclaim their beat (don't worry, they were caught and are now doing 4 by 4 time).

Religious Semantics / Sermontics

I wasn't on a mission from God, I was on a mission from the Pope.

In recent years, thy religious master hadn't many servants to call upon as, despite Jon Bon Jovi's call to "keep the faith", people hadn't. At best, they'd misplaced it.

Like a popular gay cowboy in the 30's through to the 60's, the numbers had been Wayne-ing.

Are You A Pick Up Artist, or Would You Like To Be One?

I don't know why there is all this backlash about this Julien Blanc guy in the media? I've never heard of him before, and haven't viewed any of his works, but it sounds like he's being given a rough time.

I fancy myself as a bit of a pickup artist, myself. Not that I think I am good enough to make a career out of it, but I do like to try my hand on the weekends. Here is my latest attempt:

Man-Made Global Warming, and Other Myths of the Environment DEBUNKED!

With the on-going world wide debate (a mass debate, if you will) between the religion of man-made global warming and the climate change deniers, I feel it is my duty to correct some of the misunderstandings and untruths that have been floating the alleged heated globe recently.

Cartoon: (wo)Man-Made Global Warming.
OR, is that Mother Nature holding the skewer?

Regular drinking of alcohol can prolong your life (and can ferment your body afterwards)

'On the Tiles' by Ron Acme.
An artist's impression of L.A.P.D Homicide
Sergant Roger Murtaugh after a night out.

As the famous singer sang, "I've got a hangover, wa-oh-oh. I've been drinking too much fo sho" (assumedly Pavarotti?).

But did he? Drink. Too much?

Some people say I drink too much - my mum, wife, doctor, boss, my dogs, Lindsay Lohan, my liver - while other people say I don't drink enough - me, David Hasselhoff, my 'mates' that don't know my name at the pub, drunk me. But one thing is for sure; the evidence is inconclusive.

My Time as the Bachelor

Many of you may not know this (particularly those of you who don't know me) - a few years ago I found myself fulfilling the challenging and meaty role as the Bachelor on the show of the same name. It is something I am ashamed of and embarrassed to admit, but it makes for a good story so here goes.