Man-Made Global Warming, and Other Myths of the Environment DEBUNKED!

With the on-going world wide debate (a mass debate, if you will) between the religion of man-made global warming and the climate change deniers, I feel it is my duty to correct some of the misunderstandings and untruths that have been floating the alleged heated globe recently.

Cartoon: (wo)Man-Made Global Warming.
OR, is that Mother Nature holding the skewer?

While I am no serious Scientist, one thing I am is serious about Science, which my Year 10 Science teacher would attest to. Or is that protest to? Yes.

My expert opinions are not based on so-called qualifications per se, but based on my experience of growing up and living through a large percentage of my life in 'the environment'. Plus, I have access to the internet.

The following summations can be taken as gospel (I guess, for those that are of a religious faith) and, for those that don't rely on belief for their truths, as fact:

Man-Made Global Warming Myth DEBUNKED 

Say you are in a room and it is considered ambient (not the yellower shade of orange - I refer to the temperature, in this instance), then you crowd a lot more people (preferably alive) into the same room and you will notice that the temperature will rise. (Go on, say it).

It is a well-known FACT that the population of the world has increased significantly in the last 100 years. 

This "convenient coincidence", which I have parenthesised for added effect, is hard to argue with and should, and does, explain why global temperatures have increased as the population has increased.

Therefore I conclude with no shadow of a doubt (lack of shadows no doubt due to global warming) that global warming is caused by man. But is NOT man-made.

Solution: 
1. A human cull; see ISIS, Ebola, World's Craziest Fools. 
2. Relocate a percentage of humans to the Moon or Mars; see Richard Branson, Mr Squiggle, Total Recall, Savage Garden.

Rising Sea Levels Caused By Global Warming Myth DEBUNKED

The banning of harpooning of whales and protection of sharks and certain fish species, plus bigger ships and more of them, means more things in the ocean. 

Archimedes of Syracuse who, by my understanding (given from a fantastic children's picture book by Pamela Allen I remember from my youth... that I am currently reading), was the first man (or woman, though it is alleged he was a man) to notice that when getting into a bath full of water the water rises. 

Widely regarded as one of the greatest mathematicians and leading scientists of classical antiquity (subject to the latest ICC rankings), one thing he was not was (not?) original in naming his Theorems and Principles. And so, the famous bath experiment I simplistically referred to earlier has been forever known as Archimedes' Principle.

If you can, think of the ocean as a bath. Now think of a naked mathematician and leading scientist (for this to work it doesn't necessarily have to be Archimedes; you can choose any naked scientist that you like) - he or she is all the whales, sharks, fish and ships that have been added to the bath, due to conservation and population increases.

See how the water level rises? 

Yes.

Therefore it can be safely concluded that rising sea levels are caused by the protection of the oceans creatures, and by population increases leading to more boats, and NOT a result of Man-Made Global Warming.

Solution: 
1. Let nature take its course; humans are part of nature, as are the Japanese harpoonists; let humans do their thing. 
2. As for population increase; stop humans doing their thing.

The Cause Of Wind DEBUNKED

Though this is a little off topic and is not directly related to Global Warming, 'wind' is a cousin, if not a distant relative. And besides, Peace'O'Mind has never much been 'on topic' and so I think this fits quite well.

Well reknowned by my associates as an expert on 'wind' (with a PHD in Hot Air) I feel it is my duty to make it knownst to your hungrily throbbing brains by rootling into your exploratative retinas as you peruse these typed factuals about my little known paper on wind - which may, by the true sense of the saying, (and another lame wind pun) ‘blow one's mind’.
 

I refer of course to a study released as recently as some time earlier. At the risk of taking the wind out of the sails of this important scientific breakthrough (if you are one of the very few who have not yet read it), I will share this information with you in time. In fact, in the exact time that it takes to read through the next 75 words.

Wind is correctly defined as (by scientific research aid Wikipedia.com) “the flow of gases on a large scale”, with this gas being air. However, a common misconception up until NOW is that wind is caused by differences in the earth’s pressures. 

Ha! Wrong! 

Research has undeniably proved that it is the trees that push the air around creating wind. For, on a calm day, trees don’t move. Yet, when it is windy trees move around at a frenetic pace. As a tree moves its branches, it pushes air from onedirection to the next, thus creating wind.

As you can now all agree, as plain as the wind through my hair, trees cause wind. So, in conclusion a rhyme is all the scientific proof one needs; the windier the day, the faster the sway.

In summary, and about bloody time too, the monkeys down here at the Peace'O'Mind factory hopes these new developments that we have worked tirelessly on over many nights with air-cons blasting, coal fires burning and windows open keep you at ease about the human race arrogantly imposing itself on nature. One thing is for sure - pack plenty of sun screen and make sure you can swim.

(Ed. Why has man forever insisted on putting summaries at the end of an article? If only it was at the start, that way no one would have to waste their time reading through the mind-numbing drivel in the hope that some sentence will contain something half relevant and understandable. Perhaps I'll suggest this to Dickens)