Exclusive! One Direction Interview? (transcript only)

Like being given a run-down on the gender and genitalia of Taiwanese hookers available for your service, it is important to listen to and understand the specifics given of potential interviewees when running a well-known, albeit made-up, current affairs television program.

Otherwise you could be left with what is known in the industry as a potential 'stiff' on live TV - not to be confused with an Adult Movie set, where this is a good thing - like what happened here. The following exclusive interview with English-Irish pop boy band 'One Direction' was not as it seemed.

Here's how:

Transcript of interview with what was hoped to be 'One Direction'

Interviewer: [looking down at clipboard]
Hello, tonight I have a very special interview with English-Irish pop boy band sensation One Direction... 
[looks up at camera, turns to look at Producer and mouths "who the X-factor is this?!?"]

Interviewee:[speaks in his native accent of which can only be described as a poor cross between Spanish, Mexican, French & Zoolander]
Helloooo! I am the original five man group ‘Juan D Rekchuan’.

Interviewer: But there is only one of you.

Interviewee: Yes. ‘Juan’, that is me! Juan!

Interviewer: One. Of. You.

Interviewee: Yes.

Interviewer: You said there is five of you - a ‘five man group’. But there is only you. Yourself. One person. It is simple mathematics.

Interviewee: Oh no-no. Not mathematician - Juan is musician. There is difference.

Interviewer: Yes...

Interviewee: Ah yes! You see! Cee?

Interviewer: Yes, but…

Interviewee: Cee! Yes! Yes is Cee! See?

Interviewer: You are insane.

Interviewee: Yes! I am Zayne! I am Harry! I am... the other ... I am Juan D Rekchuan!
Interviewer: [looks away from camera at producer]
What the hell is this?!? I can't do this anymore. This is bullshit
[stands up, pulls out ear-piece and walks away]

Interviewee: Oh, no-no. Who is this bullshit? i am no 'bullshit'. This is Jaun! This is five man group Juan D Reckchuan! (smiles at camera) How do you do?

[PRODUCER CUTS TO A PROGRAM OF ‘SLOTHS MAKE YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD’ – AN HOUR LONG TV SEGMENT FULL OF YOUTUBE CLIPS OF SLOTHS. IT IS LATER NOMINATED FOR AND WINS A SILVER LOGIE AWARD FOR ‘BEST FACTUAL PROGRAM’ ALONGSIDE ‘GOGGLEBOX’ AND ‘HOW I SURVIVED ON AN ISLAND BY EATING MY OWN FARTS’]

Cartoon: An artist's impression of Juan D. Rekchuan
at the interview, regardless of if portrayed by Josh Fadem

_________________________________________

Note: this transcript was written - and then typed up on an old IBM Selectric II typewriter, and then transcribed to a computer (a Commodore 64) before again being typed onto a free computer at the town library, where a young person with no visible facial expressions and a funny haircut, who communicated through grunts, helped me put this up on the world wide interweb - with the idea that the talented Comedian and Acting person Josh Fadem would film and 'star' in this interview himself. Possibly both as Juan and the interviewer. Sadly, this was never filmed as he was unavailable due to being never asked.