Wednesday, 10 December 2014

New Christmas Songs 2014 - Hymns and Hers

What I don't know about music you couldn't fill a staff with.

While that lead-in sentence is quite the amusing musical overture (there's another), it can be said that music is a part of me (left inner thigh), as much as me is a part of music. It is well known amongst my admirers that I like to keep the beat of bad company. That was, until the so-called bad company found out, and broke into my house to reclaim their beat (don't worry, they were caught and are now doing 4 by 4 time).

Monday, 1 December 2014

Religious Semantics / Sermontics

I wasn't on a mission from God, I was on a mission from the Pope.

In recent years, thy religious master hadn't many servants to call upon as, despite Jon Bon Jovi's call to "keep the faith", people hadn't. At best, they'd misplaced it.

Like a popular gay cowboy in the 30's through to the 60's, the numbers had been Wayne-ing.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Are You A Pick Up Artist, or Would You Like To Be One?

I don't know why there is all this backlash about this Julien Blanc guy in the media? I've never heard of him before, and haven't viewed any of his works, but it sounds like he's being given a rough time.

I fancy myself as a bit of a pickup artist, myself. Not that I think I am good enough to make a career out of it, but I do like to try my hand on the weekends. Here is my latest attempt:

New Star Trek Cast Announced

Peace'O'Mind Ronnie Peace
Mor practice needed: New Star Trek cast practicing their Vulcan salutes
(Photo courtesy of Andrew Meares)

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Man-Made Global Warming, and Other Myths of the Environment DEBUNKED!

With the on-going world wide debate (a mass debate, if you will) between the religion of man-made global warming and the climate change deniers, I feel it is my duty to correct some of the misunderstandings and untruths that have been floating the alleged heated globe recently.

Cartoon: (wo)Man-Made Global Warming.
OR, is that Mother Nature holding the skewer?

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Regular drinking of alcohol can prolong your life (and can ferment your body afterwards)

'On the Tiles' by Ron Acme.
An artist's impression of L.A.P.D Homicide
Sergant Roger Murtaugh after a night out.

As the famous singer sang, "I've got a hangover, wa-oh-oh. I've been drinking too much fo sho" (assumedly Pavarotti?).

But did he? Drink. Too much?

Some people say I drink too much - my mum, wife, doctor, boss, my dogs, Lindsay Lohan, my liver - while other people say I don't drink enough - me, David Hasselhoff, my 'mates' that don't know my name at the pub, drunk me. But one thing is for sure; the evidence is inconclusive.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

My Time as the Bachelor

Many of you may not know this (particularly those of you who don't know me) - a few years ago I found myself fulfilling the challenging and meaty role as the Bachelor on the show of the same name. It is something I am ashamed of and embarrassed to admit, but it makes for a good story so here goes.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Port to Stern (a fortified explanation of Insanity)

I once read that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I tend to have a short attention span so I re-read a couple more times before I took in the meaning.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Friday, 5 September 2014

Battlestar Sarcastica - putting your best font forward

Sarcasm gets a rough deal in modern society. 

I find it is quite misunderstood, and is a great tool to get yourself through any awkward work or social situation that you don't want to be a part of. 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

I'm going to see Queen (the Band, not the Monarch, nor the Tranny) on Friday Night!

My wife and I are going to watch (the remaining) Queen in concert in Melbourne this Friday night (or, that Friday night, if you are reading this after this Friday night, but that's neither here nor there, though the concert is in fact in Melbourne. There).

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Be(a)st meal in town - Dinner with Dickens

< The following story has been published by Centum Press in One Hundred Voices: Volume II (use my 10% off discount code 100V2V37) in some form or another, and is also available to order via Amazon >

When I received an invitation to a dinner party o'er the wire from Dickens I had trouble containing my excitement (I eventually tied it to a chain connected to the maple tree near the back porch). It was fair to say I had great expectations of what was to come.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Supermoon beats Wind beats Cloud Cover beats Supermoon...

If you look up in the sky this (or that) Wednesday night, not only will you be amazed and stupefied at the 3 day old Super Moon, but you will also see the sky filled with shooting stars

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Giving haircuts the chop - a close shave (and other expected hair puns)

I am not much of a fan of getting a haircut. In fact, I have been known to hate it.

Hate is a strong word, which my mum says you should never say. She said nothing about typing it.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Ghostbusters all-girl remake is a bad idea. Boo!

When I first heard that there are plans to remake Ghostbusters I nearly blew my proton pack. Ghostbusters is one of those all-time classic movies that should not ever be remade. 


Friday, 1 August 2014

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Dumb Dogs of War - the Hole Truth

We have two dogs – Doggie...

and Arj...
Doggie is unfortunately named after losing a bet to my wife over an Eels v Doggies game. And Arj after comedian Arj Barker. Which has turned out kinda funny as Arj isn’t much of a barker – his bark is all air, like he has a silencer on his muzzle.

Arj is still a puppy and tends to dig a lot. You dig? No! Naughty!

When I say ‘a lot’, the next door neighbour’s second eldest daughter jumped the fence last month to reclaim a tennis ball and we lost her down one of the holes. No need to fear, she’s ok. She popped up a few days later in a NIKE sweatshop in China. And besides, it was just a metaphor.

I won’t bore you with all of the things I’ve tried to do to stop him from digging. Or will I?

Answer: Yes.

Well, just some of the things:

  • Take away his shovel
  • Bury dog poo in the holes (he’s a dog, turns out he likes dog poo)
  • Tie his paws together
  • Bury flour bombs in the lawn for him to dig up
  • Build him a sand pit for digging (although this was a failure, his sandcastle sculpting has come on leaps and bounds)
  • Bury human poo in the holes
  • Concrete the lawn and garden
At the end of the day, it’s not a major drama (unlike TV series ‘Soldier Soldier’ or ‘The Unit’). Though the backyard does look like a minefield. We know he will grow out of it – like males and masturbation. Maybe not like that. And besides, we rent, so it’s not even our lawn.

But what is particularly frustrating is that it has become blatantly obvious that Arj is stupid. He doesn’t seem to understand the basic concept of Earthworks and Excavations 101. As we all know, when a material is excavated from the ground (in situ, sit! Good boy) it ‘swells’ or increases in volume. That being by a bulking factor of more than 1.0. When Arj undertakes an excavation, he is incorrectly using a bulking factor of approx 0.5, in that when I attempt to put material back in the hole, there is less than what was taken out. That totally defies physics, and shows complete ignorance to the laws of Engineering.

Dumb dog.

Or maybe he’s a magician… Yep, that’s definitely it. Arj the Great! That would also go some ways to explain the ridiculous moustache he’s grown, and the top hat and cape he’s been wearing lately.

And the ridiculous amounts of dog shit he omits from his anus each day. Nothing up his sleeve.

The bulking factor Arj applies on dog food consumed to that exhumed is approx. 50 times. 

(No) shit.

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Final(e)ly the Last Supper

I love finals week of TV (semi)reality show MasterChef. I get very excited. My overspilling love and excitement comes from knowing that there will be something else besides MasterChef on TV the following week.