Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Regular drinking of alcohol can prolong your life (and can ferment your body afterwards)

'On the Tiles' by Ron Acme.
An artist's impression of L.A.P.D Homicide
Sergant Roger Murtaugh after a night out.

As the famous singer sang, "I've got a hangover, wa-oh-oh. I've been drinking too much fo sho" (assumedly Pavarotti?).

But did he? Drink. Too much?

Some people say I drink too much - my mum, wife, doctor, boss, my dogs, Lindsay Lohan, my liver - while other people say I don't drink enough - me, David Hasselhoff, my 'mates' that don't know my name at the pub, drunk me. But one thing is for sure; the evidence is inconclusive.

And scientific medical advice is also as unsure as the unanswered question: has man set foot on the moon?

Who the hell knows?!? (Another well-known question that proves my point is: If the pope shits in the woods, and if there is no one there to hear it, does it stink?).

It sure does.

Given the conflicting expert opinions, it is important to carefully choose the opinions that make you feel better.

An article from an independent website ('The Independent') is what I am hedging my bets on. The words in it help the reader to understand what former World Health Organisation alcohol expert* Dr Kari Poikolainen has concluded on the matter. That is, that drinking is better for you than abstaining (from what, he doesn't say; presumably sex, one can only imagine. And one does!).

I went on to research another excuse to drink, and googled upon an article from the Daily Mail where scientists had proved that drinking alcohol can double your life expectancy. Bingo! It goes on to quote one 'Professor' to say that he was "floored" with their findings. No doubt, they were all floored during the research process too.

Probably worthy to point out that the research was done on worms, not humans. However, I have many witnesses throughout my life that would agree that I have wormed on many occassions after the consumption of a few beers, and never once while sober. Given this fact, this should prove without doubt that the worm research is still relevant to us humans.

And there you have it. Drink up. How could scientists be wrong? A rhetorical question I have pondered, and have set out to provide a retorical response to.

After reading the aforementioned articles I immediately put an "OUT OF ORDER" sign on my desk at work and went straight home. I cracked a bottle of red and quaffed the contents in a quick succession of gulps and slurps. I followed this with some beer and whisky chasers.

I followed this process until, suddenly, morning knocked heavily on my skull. I peeled myself off the coach, wiped the dry salsa dip from the labial commissure of my mouth, turned the shower on, lied down in it, took my wet clothes off, dried myself, skulled a Powerade (slammed it on my forehead), then skolled it, got dressed, sprayed myself with deodorant, and went to work.

Throughout that day at work I concluded that drinking alcohol may not necessarily prolong your life per se (or, per day), but it certainly makes your day (after) feel longer.

Disclaimer: This article has been written for your consumption.

(* note to self: search job vacancies for 'Alcohol Expert' roles. I would surely be a shoe in for the job, if only I could remember my experiences to place in my Resume)


  1. I found an article that said a bottle of wine a day is healthy. These articles are out there if you're willing to look hard enough like I do :)

  2. That's a great point Pinky Poinker, thanks for the tip.
    People have oft referred to many of my articles as "out there" too.


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