Tuesday, 30 August 2016

He whom never existed

For as long as he could remember, he didn't exist.

Never had.

He was Roger Skwishskoft. Or, at least, that's who he assumed he was had he existed.

Which he hadn't.

But for someone who hadn't existed that was a fair assumption which was, unbeknownst to Roger, inevitably wrong.

Yet, at the same time, given his circumstance, or lack thereof, a very hard one to disprove.

Have you ever tried to argue with no one?

Sure, it's a very easy argument to win with no counter-argument able to be argued. Even a semi-existent person would find that logic hard to argue with.

But the fact is, if you go on arguing with no one, you may have a 100% success rate but you also come off looking as mad as a cut snake and find yourself no longer welcome to after-work drinks and family barbecues because your stupid-arsed sister-in-law Sharon doesn't want you around the children especially after the latest 'iguana incident'. Pffft!

But enough about Sharon, the jerk, and more on (or, moron) the non-existent Roger Skwishskoft.
Yes, he, or she, or it, or not it, never was Roger Skwishskoft, so he, or she, or it, or not it, would have us believe, had he, or she, or it, or not it, existed, which he, or she, or it, or not it, never did. And so was the story of Roger Skwishskoft's that never was.

Or would have been had Roger existed, which Roger indubitably did not.

Roger liked to be called Rodge. Presumably. But that was impossible.

Some people like to poke fun at others who are not risk takers by saying, 

"Woah, dude, you've never lived!"

Roger had never lived. Nor could Roger, or was Roger able, to take a risk. Yet not one gnarly dude had ever said that to Roger. How could they?

Roger's only chance of life was via a story such as this. Yet this very story goes on (and on) disproving his existence. Man, if Roger was here to read this, Roger would be pissed!

You're probably starting to feel a little sorry for Roger, aren't you.


Roger's never felt pain. Roger's never had his heart broken. Roger's never wet himself in front of his entire School, got called Pissing Pete, had to go to counselling for over 7 years yet still can't stand at a urinal next to another man. For example.

So don't feel sorry for Rodge. Roger's had it pretty easy. Of which 'it' is, of course, nothing.

If you want to feel sorry for someone, you know you should feel sorry for? Me! I've had to put up with that judgemental bitch, Sharon, for far too long.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is, I wish this story was about Sharon and not Roger.

This never existed.

Ron Acme Ronnie Peace Peace'O'Mind
Cartoon: The little known 'Exist-Ants' are unique to
the Ant family in that they are the only type of ant
to have never existed.


  1. I know Sharon! Shes a real TART, after a few glasses of Sweet Red. Once she said to me, at a party, "you want a quick wristy behind the shed?"...... but there wasn't a shed.

  2. I actually got lost with who was who. I think you have issues and it makes me stay tuned...

  3. Thanks for linking up…The Ultimate Rabbit Hole Guest Host – Shari from GoodFoodWeek xox

  4. I know Sharon though in these parts she is known as Carton not to be confused with Carlton who can often be found under the table and more than a little squiffy.


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