Sunday, 27 July 2014

Final(e)ly the Last Supper

I love finals week of TV (semi)reality show MasterChef. I get very excited. My overspilling love and excitement comes from knowing that there will be something else besides MasterChef on TV the following week.

I find myself every night perfecting my Matt Preston food-love-making/tasting-face as my wife serves me up another culinary delight from the MasterPeace kitchen.
Peace'O'Mind: Ron Acme
Cartoon: View from behind the MasterChef judges table
(Yep, that's saliva, folks)
If I had no fear for my liver, I would play a drinking game to MasterChef. Every time a contestant would say “If this blah blah is blah, I could be going home tonight” you would have to drink. 

“Shall we” would be another phrase, used by the judges, that you could use as a drinking flag. I guarantee I would drown before I was drunk. Which would still be a better way to spend your night than having to watch the show.

What I don’t understand is, well, it’s a popular show. It’s about cooking. It doesn’t show you how to cook or give you recipes. It’s about how each contestant cooks. Viewers have their favourite contestants – who they want to win, who they don’t want to win. This is based on not tasting any of their foods, and based on the tastes of Two and a Half Fat Men (one of them is short and not fat, hence the ‘half’; for those offended with the use of the adjective ‘fat’, please substitute for ‘jolly’ or the incorrect ‘big-boned’).

What I’ve learnt about cooking from watching MasterChef is this:

  • Don’t waste fat and cooking oil – it makes a great sauce. Sauce is a must, and plenty of it (suggestions: if you cook on a George Foreman at home, try pouring the ‘lovely juices’ that are leftover in the dripping tray onto your food)
  • The sadder the story you have in your personal life, the further you will go on the show, thus the better  the cook you are (ie. If your first born was eaten by a guerrilla gorilla while you were in Africa volunteering to save the gorillas from poverty and AIDS, you would make an excellent chef. Best not to tell this story on the show until you serve up a terrible dish. Cry)
  • Eat each mouthful like you are making love to it.
  • Get to know your food before you make love to it. Then, make love to it.
There was an amusing conversation had on the show tonight that may not have happened. The oft crying contestant*...
(* not a great clue. I realise that narrows it down to all of the females and half the males) one of her rare dry eyed moments was talking to the judge that says "yeah" at the end of all of his sentences. And the dialogue went not much like this:

Judge 'Yeah': (noticing contestant's tear ducts gearing up for action) "Something's wrong, yeah? It's runny, yeah. Somethings happened to it. What is it s'posed to be?"
Contestant: "It's a curd"
JY: "I can see it's occurred, that's why i asked, yeah"
C: "Yeah...? It's gone runny"
JY: "And what is it?"
C: "I told you, it's a curd"
JY: "Yeah, it's happened, let's move on, yeah? I can't help you if you don't tell me what it is, yeah?"
C: "No..."
JY: "Yeah?"
C: "Yes Chef"
JY: "Yeah. Good. So, tell me what is it supposed to be, yeah?"
C: "Curd! A mandarine curd! It's gone runny!" (tear ducts at full throttle)
JY: "Ah! It's a curd, yeah!"
C: "Yes chef. It happened."
JY: "It's too runny for curd, yeah"
C: (cries) "If I can't fix this curd I could be going home tonight"
[the famous swearing chef with non-descript accent enters screen]
Famous Swearing Chef: "Ay! 'Ullo. What's this then?"
C: "uhhh ... curd ..."
FSC: "Oi. It's occurred to me that you are missing something. What's the f*%&ing hero of your dish?!?"
C: "Spatchcock, Chef"
FSC: "F%#&ing spatchcock?!? You are game"
C: "Yes, Chef. Spatchcock is the hero of my dish, Chef"
FSC: "Looks more like f#$%ing Clark Kent to me than a hero. Atleast put a f#$%ing cape on it"
C: "Uhhh ... 'capers', Chef...?"
FSC: "Deaf AND can't cook! Put a f#$%ing cape around that spatchcock!"
C: "uhhh, OK Chef..."
FSC: "Quickly! Time is getting away from you"
C: "Yes, Chef, I'm hurrying..."
FSC: "No, you f#$%ing moron, the thyme is getting away. That rat is running away with it.
Ok, so what do you call this dish?"

C: "'The Curd in the Bird'"
FSC: "F#$% me. Well, if the spatchcock is the hero of the dish, the name you've given it is it's kryptonite."
C: (crying) "Oh no..." (more crying - maybe a replay of earlier crying) "...I just wanted to make my first born that was eaten by a guerilla gorilla while I was in Africa volunteering to save the gorillas from poverty and AIDS proud of me..." (more crying)
[contestant wins]

My dinner makes an appearance for the second time tonight.

TV off.


  1. I gather you're not a fan, Ronnie. It is rare that I watch it but from what I recall your description sounds accurate.

    1. I'm a fan of food and eating (I'm team 'chocolate & red wine' - I have all their paraphernalia), but not of the show.
      I think the writers do a fantastic job but I find the whole storyline a bit far fetched, and I'm a man so I don't like crying in public ( the show is a tearjerker)


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