Ronnie Peace was born through a vagina, as was the style at the time of his birth.
Ronnie was raised as a child, even to this current day. His education was haphazard at best, suffering largely from medically undiagnosed learning conditions known as 'easily distracted', 'short attention span' and 'little shit'.
Nevertheless, Ronnie was able to beat the odds (no doubt aided by his poor grasp of Mathematics) and won his first literary prize in Year 5. Granted, he was 22 years old at the time. The prize (a smiley face stamped onto his published work) was awarded to him by Mr Mackson for his break through work "Clinton and Cameron". The brief was to write a minimum 100 word story. It read (or, you can read) as follows:
Clinton and Cameron were best friends. Clinton hit Cameron with a cricket bat and Cameron cried.
Cameron was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very angry with Clinton.
Clinton felt bad and told Cameron he was very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very sorry.
Cameron forgave Clinton and they were best friends again.
The fact that there were only 93 words in the story has remained undiscovered to this present day.
(It is also worth noting, for the factual integrity of this bio, that this historical account was not of Ronnie but of one of his classmates. But it did leave a lasting impression on Ronnie, and so can be seen to have shaped his literary prowess, nonetheless)
In later years, Ronnie went on … and on and on and on (etcetera, etc., and so forth)! He digresses a hell of a lot, which is very frustrating for the reader. But that is assuming that there is one, so we're best not to assume and carry on regardless.
In his typings, Ronnie enjoys wordplay, attempted humour, mixing fantasy with reality, and believes nothing on the internet should be taken seriously.
Ronnie's literary skills are quantified as little to none, and are largely suited to attempted humo(u)r (as "…he doesn't possess the talent nor competence to write anything of any value, let alone read something of that standard. Not even by accident…) and cookbooks.
He is described by many that know him as funny. No doubt, due to his large nose. A close friend has been known to say of him, "What he says isn't even funny. People only laugh at him 'cos he's saying it (and, presumably, due to his nose)." This goes a long way to explaining the drabness of his typed work.
His influences include Roald Dahl, Shaun Micallef, Steven Wright, the Flying High movies, copious bottles of Shiraz from the Barossa Valley, his friends, Arj Barker, Seinfeld, Google, boredom, Facebook, David Thorne, Weird Al Yankovic, Ricky Gervais and his beautiful wife (not Ricky's, his own).
Ronnie is currently working on an excuse not to go to work tomorrow (this comment remains current). He is also working on a sitcom idea with some hired goons that is scheduled to be completed two years after his death.
Ronnie lives alone with his beautiful wife (please, spare a thought for her), their two dogs and three children. They don't know who the children are or how they got there, but they both agree that they make cheap labour around the house, and are small enough to be easily locked away when not required.
Ronnie wrote this bio about himself in the third person. When he first read it, even he was surprised at how poorly it portrays him. Me so stupid.
(to be continued as more facts are uninterred, but for now see Apropos the Word Slinger)
