My Time as the Bachelor

Many of you may not know this (particularly those of you who don't know me) - a few years ago I found myself fulfilling the challenging and meaty role as the Bachelor on the show of the same name. It is something I am ashamed of and embarrassed to admit, but it makes for a good story so here goes.

I found myself in this predicament by pure accident.

[sidenote: for American readers please replace all references to "Channel Ten" with "ABC", replace "Kerri-Anne Kennerley" with "Lucille Ball", "Bert Newton" with "Adam West" or "Henry Winkler", and "Osher Gunsberg" with a mop, or "Chris Harrison".
For UK readers change "Channel Ten" to "Channel 5", replace "Kerri-Anne" with "Dame Edna Everage", "Bert Newton" with "John Cleese", and "Osher Gunsberg" with a teapot.]

I was walking nonchalantly (a move I had been working on for many months) through the Channel Ten studios looking to cash in my free meal voucher* at the Channel Ten canteen...
(* given to all unfortunate people that made the mistake of opening a door in an alleyway with a sign above that said 'FREE MONEY INSIDE' and found themselves in the studio audience of Can Of Worms as a form of apology. A meal that would see me on the toilet, and kneeling at it, at varying times of the night - some times in both positions at once - but I would say that if I was ever made to choose between being in that audience again or being made to eat the same meal I wouldn't hesitate at eating it again)
...when a strikingly handsome tanned up nude guy with the sculpted body not dissimilar to but a lot more tanned than the Statue of David (with a noticeable enlargement) came running out of the Studio 4 doors shrieking like a mad man, crying, and hitting himself over the head with a saucepan.

A man wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sandals appeared from the Studio 4 doors a short time later looking nervously around before grabbing the right sleeve of my shirt and said, "Agh, you'll do." Being the best compliment that I'd had all year, I went with my sleeve, and him.

He went on to explain in no uncertain terms that he was the Director / Producer / Writer / Florist for The Bachelor, that the crazily good-looking, and looking crazy, man I had just witnessed running out the Channel Ten gates was the star of the show, and he was in dire need of a replacement.

"In no uncertain terms, I am the Director / Producer / Writer / Florist for The Bachelor, that crazily good-looking, and looking crazy, man running out of the gates was the star of this show, and I am in dire need of a replacement"

In his expansive search of the Channel Ten hallways for a replacement he could only see myself and Kerri-Anne Kennerley. I will admit it wasn't until after Kerri-Anne turned him down that he knew I was the best choice for the job.

After offering me a case of beer and a box of XXL 'Thank God You're Here' tshirts for my services I agreed.

As I walked off to prepare for my role (spray tan, full body wax, get measured up for a suit) I noticed the Ranbuild guy walk past in his lycra gym gear. He must've have caught a glimpse of my glimpse at him, and turned to me as he turned red with roid rage, flung me up against the wall and yelled, "What are you lookin' at!?!" His breath smelt of tuna and egg.

Not all cartoons are funny, I thought loudly. Which proved to be quite a good segway for this equally unfunny cartoon:

Cartoon by Ron Acme: The Rose Ceremony
"That's not a rose, that's a sunflower!"
"Well I think the sun shines out of his Helianthus Annuus!"

(Ed: Looks more like a pansy to me. Not the flower, the man. Have the illustrator drawn and quartered - preferably by one that can draw)

Rather than bore you with a detailed recount of my experience on the show, I will now go on to bore you with some random 'worst bits' from my diary.

Episode 1:
...I am dressed in a suit that has 'Moonface' inscribed on a label inside the collar. It comes with a wig that, after much debate, I wear...
...They have me stand in the driveway of a mansion and yell "Action". A limousine pulls up.
The door opens and a fat, bald man expires from the limousine and snatches the wig from my head shouting "Mine!"
Before he departs he looks back at me, then to the producer, and says, "I like the boy."
Everyone laughs. I don't get it.
It turns out it was Bert Newton.
Bert Newton's security move us off his property. The Producer is not phased as he "knows of a property up the road that should be vacant so we can just do it there"...

Episode 1 (attempt 2):
...The first limousine pulls up, the door opens and I am greeted by champagne fumes and a woman doing her best Britney Spears impersonation...
...The fourth contestant (who I go on to know as 'Hoover') greets me with an innocent smile and a curtsy. We trade pleasantries, and rugby league playing cards, before she leans in and whispers into my ear, "If you keep me to at least the top four I will give you a BJ like you won't believe"...
...The seventh contestant rolls out of the limousine, followed by a couple of empty cans of VB. She farts, and giggles. I laugh, and make a note to keep her around. She should be good for some laughs....
Episode 3:
...the pretentious girl (who I only know as 'The Nipple Biter' since that spa incident) is really annoying and getting under the other girls skin. This helps to relieve my boredom. I give her a rose before the ceremony and kick back with a few beers with the camera crew to watch the festivities as she re-joins the girls....
Episode 4:
...I keep getting asked by some of the contestants if we have a connection. My response that I'm with Optus and can never get good coverage falls flat. They look at me strangely as I laugh to myself.
I've talked to each one for no more than 5 minutes in total - I can't even remember their names, let alone have a "connection"...
...'Little Miss Boring' reminds me on our single date that "...it's about staying in the moment on every date ... that's respectful..." I nod, (un)knowingly, and take her rose off of her...
Episode 6:
...the next girl that comes up to me and asks me if I see a future with her I will hold her down and fart on her head...
...the girl with the bad breath informs me that the connection we share has been upgraded to a strong chemistry...
...I spot Osher sneaking into the spa room in a silky robe and smoking a cigar. Four of the contestants follow him in string bikinis... 
Episode 7:
...it seems as though all the girls menstrual cycles have synchronised, except for 'Mistachio'. I spot what appears to be an Adam's apple. To the shock of the rest of the contestants I ask Mistachio out for the single date. We get a carton of beer and drink it while watching the footy, farting, playing computer games and talking about boobs.
Her right testicle pops out of her skirt, and she has to leave the show...
...we high five each other as he/she leaves, and we say "See ya, Bro". Sad day...
Episode 8:
The 'intruders' arrive! Hoorah!
There looks to be some lovely new ladies that make up the intruders. The 'original' girls don't seem very happy. They seem to think it is unfair as they are ruining their one chance at true love and they deserve to be there as they've made it this far.
...it's not the intruders that are ruining their chances.
Midway through the episode three of the originals produce guns and shootdown the intruders.
I evict one of them but choose to keep the other other two as they were very accurate shots.
Episode 9:
...I'm really struggling with the mood swings and the jealousy. All the girls keep coming up to me for one-on-one 'counselling sessions'...
...I get really drunk and throw up on Man Feet. Contestant 3 sees this and storms out of the room crying, "I can't take this anymore! He hasn't even sneezed on me, let alone thrown up on me"...
Episode 10:
...'Crazy Eyes' tells me that she knows I am the one as "...we don't need to talk, we can just stare into each others eyes all night." This makes me really uncomfortable. I fart to break the silence. She slaps me. Then she cries. We make out...
...I send Crazy Eyes home and she tells me that I am a great man and she knows I will find love in the house. She walks off and makes a 'slit throat' action at me as she moves off camera...
Episode 11:
...I jump the security fence out the back. Nipple Biter spots me and she starts chasing me, with the rest following...
...48 minutes into my escape I spot a cargo train up ahead. (Did I mention we are all on horse back now?). We are all on horseback now. I time my ride to perfection and leap onto the end caboose and ride the train to freedom...
...I catch up with Mistachio at the pub for a couple of beers, and we head to the Gentleman's Club...

Surprisingly, this series never aired.

I went back to the producer many months later to try and sell an idea for a cooking show that I called "The Spatula". It was the same concept as The Bachelor, except it contained food, not love; spatulas would replace the roses; and 2 fat guys and a short bald guy replace Osher Gunsberg (as is what it would take). They hated the idea, and had me kicked off the premises.

I do have to give it to those guys - 'Masterchef' is a much better name, as history would tell.