New Christmas Songs 2014 - Hymns and Hers

What I don't know about music you couldn't fill a staff with.

While that lead-in sentence is quite the amusing musical overture (there's another), it can be said that music is a part of me (left inner thigh), as much as me is a part of music. It is well known amongst my admirers that I like to keep the beat of bad company. That was, until the so-called bad company found out, and broke into my house to reclaim their beat (don't worry, they were caught and are now doing 4 by 4 time).

Being a big fan of the consumerist holiday that is Christmas, I like to get washed away in the spirit of it all. Whether it be scotch or vodka, or something more traditional like eggnog or brandy, you'll see me there propped up against the Christmas tree with a Santa hat and rosy red cheeks, and a stocking filled with last night's merriment.

I believe there is nothing more rewarding than giving at Christmas. Second only to taking. And what better way to do this than to use my God given musical talents to create and share with the world each year, for the very first time. 

It is my gift - my unselfish gift - to the world. You're welcome, world.

Spontaneously created between this mornings pre-Christmas eggnogs, I wrote the following Christmas songs for the world to bask in.


Out-of-work artists impression of the hirsute-ly sweet
Christmas Carol (pictured), winner of Eurovision
2014, singing her smash hit "Hairy Ho Ho's"

Unfortunately, I wrote the songs for an orchestra to perform and, seeing that there was not one available at such short notice (bloody holidays), and given my G-string was on the fritz again, I was unable to record them. I tried to lay down the tracks with my man, DJ Bell-end, but all we did was get drunk and ended up learning to say phrases backwards, then recorded them and played them back in reverse. That was a great 2 weeks.

Please try and hum along (quietly, you don't want to wreck the songs) with the following soon-to-be household staples of Christmas.

Title: The Santa Man
(Sing to the tune of "The Piano Man", in the voice of Bob Dylan)

It's nine o'clock before Chrissy Day
Grandpa and Nan shuffles in
There's my old man sitting next to me
Makin' love to his double bour-bon

He says, "Son, I've got a poor memory
And I can no longer see my toes

But pass me more sweets, i can't get outta this seat
Maybe I should wear the Santa Man's clothes

La la la, di da da
La la, pa rum pum pum pum

Bring us a boon, you're the Santa Man
Bring us a boon tonight
Well, we're all stuffed with food, beer and bra-ndy
And they've got us feelin' alright

Now LeBron near the tree is a child of mine
He's getting a l'il sleepy

And he's quick with a "nope" when it's bedtime, we hope
'Cos it's the fireplace where he'd rather be
He says, "Dad, I believe this is killing me."
As the smile ran away from his face
"I can't sleep, I'm much too excited for Santa
to 'break and enter' through our fireplace"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, pa rum pum pum pum

Now my bro is a really big drinker

Who's onto his fourth or fifth wife
And he's talkin' real dirty, and dad's gettin' shirty
And nanna's just reached for a knife

And my Aunty is a practicing heretic
As my Grandma makes the sign of the cross
Now we're sculling the drinks, a merry Christmas
And we drink til we've got memory loss

Bring us a boon, you're the Santa Man
Bring us a boon tonight
Well, we're all stuffed with food, beer and brandy
And they've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd 'fore Chrissy Day
Dancer and Prancer give me a smile
'Cause they know at Chrissy, I've been comin' to see
If they're on the 'naughty' or 'nice' file
And the sleigh, it handles like a Carnival (Kia)
And the santa suit smells like a beer
And it's me that they bait with beer and a fruit cake
And say, "Man, when's the fat man gettin' 'ere?"

Oh, la la la, di da da
La la, pa rum pum pum pum 

Bring us a boon, you're the Santa Man
Bring us a boon tonight
Well, we're all stuffed with food, beer and brandy
The Santa Man's gonna break in tonight

Title: We Reign Superior
(Capo: C, C, Em, G with accompaniment on the kazoo)

We are the reindeers,
that pull Santa's sleigh.
One whip to our arse and,
we're on our way.

We reign superior - we reign, dear - we reindeer.

We drag the fat man o'er,
rock sand and snow.
We are the chosen 'deers,
the best that we know.

We reign superior - that rain, dear? - we reindeer.

Untitled (a Robbie Williams-esque rap break for a song filler)

This year my true love gave to me a rap,
This is it, it came unwrapped, and it is crap. (repeat x3)
Ah huh uh, ah huh uh, it's a gift wrap.

Title: Barbershop Trinity
(to be performed by a barbershop quartet)

Ohhhhh, baby Jesus (ba-by je-sus)
Ho Ho Ho (Oh three ho's)
You're heaps cool'n'shit (cool as shit)
Ho Ho Ho (Oh three ho's)
On your birthday (ha-ppy birth-day)
Ho Ho Ho (Oh three ho's)
We get given gifts (awww yeah)
Yes we be getting' tha gifts....

Title: Enchanted Chanting
(chant, don't sing. Chant becomes more intense as it progresses)

Keep on eating, keep on eating, keep on eating, keep on eating, seasons greeting, seasons greeting, keep on eating keep on eating.

Keep on drinking, keep on drinking, keep on drinking, keep on drinking, lights be blinking, lights be blinking, keep on drinking, keep on drinking.

Carve the ham, carve the ham, carve the ham, carve the ham, talk to Nan, talk to Nan, carve the ham, carve the ham.

Peel the prawns, peel the prawns, peel the prawns, peel the prawns, up since dawn, up since dawn, peel the prawns, peel the prawns.

Pull the bon-bon, pull the bon-bon, pull the bon-bon, pull the bon-bon, pour the sauce on, pour the sauce on, pull the bon-bon, pull the bon-bon.

Wear stupid hat, wear stupid hat, wear stupid hat, wear stupid hat, bowl or bat, bowl or bat, wear stupid hat, wear stupid hat.

Competition time: we are now accepting entries from any artists (music or bullshit) who wish to record any of the tracks above. Please submit to Peace'O'Mind at respect_da_peace@hotmail.com, or post to Facebook and the monkeys down at the Peace'O'Mind factory will vote on the least worst rendition who will win an ill-fitting Peace'O'Mind t-shirt.