The Black and White Noise

In every person's life they have, at some point or another, experienced what is called 'the talk'.

Whilst I was not watching anything at all on the magical television box at an irrelevant time in my life I inadvertently delayed in pressing the 'up' channel button while flicking and was momentarily left on a show called 'The Talk', which left me confused, irritated and with a pounding headache.

I'm not sure if it was in a non-English speaking language but I heard no talk, only noise.

The noise could only be described as a mixture of cackling geese, a kookaburra, that piercing noise you sometimes hear but are not quite sure you are hearing because it is in the dog-only-noise-range of hearing, cheering, indians chanting (both native American Indians and people of India chanting together in a quasi freestyle choir where you must sing a different chant to every other Indian, regardless of their Indian-osity) and twelve out of tune saxaphones played by poorly trained monkeys attempting a cover of a well know Slayer song (I don't know it).

This noise - if to be accurately described - was accompanied by a pod of whales climaxing together as seagulls squawked their voyeuristic (and, if you ask me, immature) approval from overhead, whilst a cat inconsequently ran its claws down a blackboard that was hooked up to an amplifier for no apparent reason.

Within 2 seconds I did something which I believe had saved my life. I grabbed the largest saucepan I could find, stuck it over my head and banged it with a 5 iron. This gave my sensitive senses enough time to turn off the TV, shut all the doors and windows, close the blinds and rock myself into a deep coma of which I hoped to awaken sometime in the future whereby my ears would have stopped bleeding and The Talk would have stopped.

To this day I get cold sweats and revert into a shaking ball on the floor whenever someone asks me if i'd like to 'talk'.

Let's just say, in my past when my then girlfriends had ultimately come up to me and announced "it's time for the talk" it didn't end well.

My crafty lawyers got me off by successfully pleading insanity every time.

And they did all the talking.