The Blinking Christmas Lights Factory

Ah, Christmas time. 

Aaargh!!!!!! Christmas time.

The time of year where it is consciously accepted, even encouraged, to string up as many cheap flashing lights as one can and send the electricity grid into overdrive.

A Private Conversation Between Adam and Eve

Some time before the commencement of sexual relations between the infamous Adam and Eve (no doubt as they wondered if they were brother and sister, or not), Adam got curious.

"Eve", he said, "what do you have hidden behind your leaf?"

Eve, taken aback by Adam's forward questioning and embarrassed by it, replied:

"Uhhhh ... I gotta split" And took off into the night.

The Heat In The Kitchen

I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. 

Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').

Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?

Hallo'.


Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

The Stages Of Life

As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...

Life In A Metaphorical Nutshell

You have probably just read my learned piece on The Stages Of Life. And, presumedly, loved it very much, throwing bouquets of roses from the balcony with a tear in your eye in admiration. That's natural. If you haven't read it yet, you should. Or wait for the movie starring Jason Bateman and Celia Paquola and save yourself the hassle of reading.

In it (unless it was cut from the movie version) you will remember the well-known turn of phrase I had regurgitated in the name of journalism. That is, the one about life in a nutshell.

Of course, no one lives their life inside a nutshell. Unless you happen to be a nut. 

A Poem: My Turn

My Turn

By Ronnie Peace

[A Poem about Australia's newest Prime Minister, 2015]

Malcolm before

Mal come again

Malcolm's turn now

Turn bull to PM

A butt of the joke

Abbott of the spill

Tony down to knee

The odds shorten, Bill

A Labor of love
A Liberal amount
The votes have come in
But the Greens won't count

Bishop to Rook

Hockey one, Hockey two,

SCRATCH

The Two Ronnies

When my good mate Ronald McDonald and I get together hilarity generally ensues.
(and hopefully when his McSolicitors get a load of this, they don't on-sue me)

Oh, how we laugh.

To Celia: A Poempology

To Celia: A Poempology

By Ronnie Peace

(A poem of apology, of which I would also like to apologise for this here poetry)

A Poem #2: P(r)o(s)e

Poetry

Oh, Po-e-try

A Poem: Who Am I

O'er 'ere's a clue

The Black and White Noise

In every person's life they have, at some point or another, experienced what is called 'the talk'.

Whilst I was not watching anything at all on the magical television box at an irrelevant time in my life I inadvertently delayed in pressing the 'up' channel button while flicking and was momentarily left on a show called 'The Talk', which left me confused, irritated and with a pounding headache.

Games to Play in Public Swimming Pools

Fancy a dip? If it's in a public swimming pool then it's a lucky dip if you'll come out alive.

Revealed: The Secrets To Flat-Pack Furniture Instructions and Installations

Good evening and welcome to "How To Design Instructions For Flat-Pack Furniture Installations"...

...Sorry, what is that my Mexican friend in the second row? No, señor, "English 101" is down the hall - HOWEVER, we strongly encourage you to do this course prior to any learn-to-speak-or-learn-to-write-in-English classes. In fact, it is a recommendation of this course that you not be fluent in the language of the country that you design flat-pack instructions for.

This Is Super

I haven't always been a Superhero. You could say I stumbled upon it by accident.

Go on, say it. Say. It!

[Caution: the following contains many superlatives]

One Way Conversations With David Thorne

Almost a year ago (if you are reading this 'now') a friend introduced me to Australian Humo(u)rist David Thorne.

A Timely Piece

[ THIS STORY WAS PUBLISHED BY SICK LIT MAGAZINE ]

Introduction: The literary work you are about to read has been widely described as "...ahead of it's time...". Granted, this was by me. And, mainly due to the fact that it hadn't been written yet. It was penned in the future and I went there, exactly to the future, to get it for you. So here it is. Ahead of it's time.

Have I ever told you about the time when I travelled back in time?

The Idea That Birthed Gogglebox on The People's Couch - Part 2 The Dialogue

(continued from Part 1)

And now, for your square-eyes only, here is the exclusive and mind-numbing dialogue that brought forth the beauty that is the idea of Gogglebox*...
(* or, The People's Couch for American and Canadian viewers)

Is watching Gogglebox from The People's Couch a Good Idea? - Part 1 The Rant

No. And here's how...

A wise man once said that watching TV will make your eyes go square. Every father has at least at one time said that masturbating will make you go blind. 

Well, watching the loosely termed television show Gogglebox* falls somewhere inbetwixed.
(* In America & Canada, hot shot TV execs renamed this show The People's Couch so that it would seem like the show was their own idea and so their bosses would not be able to google it to see if if they had copied the idea or not.)

Though, the entertainment value of the former and the latter far surmounts that of Gogglebox. Or does it?!?

Bossy boots

As detailed in the brilliant documentary "Horrible Bosses" every single human has a natural tendency to want to put their bosses out of their misery. Or, at the very least, to cause harm or pain to.

Reginald was no exception to this rule.

Of course, he could never act on these God-given urges. Or could he?

Hare Of The Dog - The Live Baiting Scandal

Last week (our time) the Australian Greyhound Racing Industry was in turmoil as ABC's Four Corners program uncovered the explosive and disturbing revelation that trainers were conducting live baiting. That is, training greyhounds to race with rabbits, possums and other animals on the lure as bait. 

Cartoon: an Artist's impression of the live-baiting scandal
(it should be noted that, for legal reasons, any resemblance
to a famous duck or rabbit is purely coincidental: images are
drawn from images in a National Geographic (but not traced))

A Valentine's Day Special: Poetry In Motion

Wings On The Windscreen Of Love

A poem by Ronnie Peace

Driving the Highway near dusk

Two butterflies

in the distance

making love.

Sexy, sweaty Lepidoptera.

5 Totally Awesome and Absent Ideas for Baby Showers

Baby Showers are ridiculous.

Firstly, babies don't have showers. At least, not the ones I've had the privilege to meet.

Australia Day Long Weekend Part 2 - Don't Drink The Water

(Continued... 
note: if you haven't read Part 1 click here or this will make even less sense than it actually does)

Next thing we know it's Australia Day and we're hungover.

Each year we celebrate all that is Australia Day by being hungover, blowing up the mini outdoor pool, filling it with water as we cook the bbq, restock the Esky (chilly bin, cooler, box to keep the beer cold), shoo some flies, paint our faces with zinc, apply fake Australian sticker tattoos and turn on the radio to listen to the inaugural Triple J Hottest 100.

Australia Day Long Weekend Part 1 - Fly-Shooing, Thigh-Slapping, Head-Shaking, Sweat It Out

As the post-Christmas/New-Year-Holiday-depression roots itself into my work scenario and, as I'm cussing myself (quite loudly and, if I do say, unnecessarily crudely too) at having wasted my holiday not coming up with a brilliant idea on how not to have to go back to work again, the Australia Day holiday approaches. Here to save the day of every hard-working Aussie with the simple dream of never having to work a day in their life again. At least for a day. You bloody beauty.

Bringing in the New Year - Salutations and Salivations

[ THIS WAS PUBLISHED ONLINE BY INTERNATIONAL LITERARY ONLINE JOURNAL QUEEN MOB'S TEAHOUSE AS 'SOMEBODY BRING IN THE NEW YEAR' ]

Preface: Please bear in mind* this article was intended to be read on New Years Eve, though it was written in early 2015. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be less distracted by shiny objects, and more inclined to manage my time better (and less inclined against the bar most nights). 
Time machine not included.
(*During a successful 14 hour neurological surgery the bear was removed by TV doctor, Dr House. Though not a real doctor per se, he has a delightfully funny bedside manner which was worth the risk)

As the last day of 2014 dawned upon us, friends were heard to shriek "AGH! A cockroach!!", for there was a large cockroach making it's way across the seafood buffet.