Tuesday, 14 April 2015

A Timely Piece


Introduction: The literary work you are about to read has been widely described as "...ahead of it's time...". Granted, this was by me. And, mainly due to the fact that it hadn't been written yet. It was penned in the future and I went there, exactly to the future, to get it for you. So here it is. Ahead of it's time.

Have I ever told you about the time when I travelled back in time?

If you are privy to the successful methods of altering the time-space continuum for personal time travel, then I would safely assume your answer is yes (and I do);

For those without the creature comforts of having access to a time machine, Kerr Ring, Cosmic String, Wormhole or DeLorean, I will assume "no" or "not yet";

And for the benefit of both, I will tell you now so that it is forever laid down in the fabric of time so that you can come back and visit my retelling whenever you like (just drop a gold coin in the box out the front each time you visit, for the funding of on-going maintenance and administration).

One insignificant day I was mucking around in the garage, doing manly things with manly tools; tinkering and banging, swearing and tinkering, banging and greasing. When suddenly, whilst trying to bang a triangular metal object through a circular opening (that left me with a scar) there was a loud KABLOOOMY!!!!! as I had somehow inadvertently interrupted the time space continuum*.
(*one of my favourite words as it is a double ‘u’, not a ‘w’. Like ‘vacuum’, however, vacuum sucks. And the dad’s around the world applaud).

In doing so, this sent me shooting back thousands of years in time. You can imagine the excitement, right!?!

Nup. Boring!

There was nothing there. Wasn’t created yet. 

I had to wait for 3 years (estimated) before there was a big bang. Then I had to wait a fair while after that (estimated) before catching a lift with a passing mob of kangaroos that were being chased by a nude guy riding a Pterodactyl (who was eating an apple, coincidentally), before being able to make it back to the present.

I went to the dentist the following day, as being without a toothbrush for 3 years (and a fair while) my mouth was feeling a little furry.

This shocked the dentist – not so much from the severely yellowed teeth, the foul and unpleasant odour propelling from my cracked yellow tongue or the chipped and missing teeth (a legacy of my 3 year+ rock and bark diet) – more so, it was the timing as, in real time, I had only just gone to him for a check up a few days earlier before my time travel non-adventure.

This serves as a warning for all planning a trip through time. Pack a toothbrush, toothpaste and plenty of floss. And a good book.

Of course, you’re probably all sitting there reading this looking at your computer screens and shaking your heads, no doubt thinking I’m an idiot (me, not you). The basis of which you are no doubt referring to the Law of Causality (cause and effect) which, in its pure definition, disproves the possibility of travelling back through time. Well, settle down, you non-believers. I’ve never passed a Physics lesson in my life and i'm much too dumb to understand any of their complicated laws, so how on earth (and beyond) could they possibly apply to me.

In fact, some days I'm amazed that I haven't just completely floated off the face of this earth from my lack of understanding of the Universal Law of Gravitation
What you, dear reader, should find even more preposterous (or, preposterous-er) is ageing songstress Cher's musing about the possibility of turning back time. Like time is a boat full of refugees circling the waters of Australia, I assume. Which is utterly ridiculous. Stupid Cher.

How would she propose to secure the wormhole borders? Who would man them, and with what? Time stops for no man!
Therefore, it goes without saying (just typed) it would have to be a woman.
Peace'O'Mind Cartoon
Cartoon: "Drunken Caterpillars of Society"
Tip: A wormhole is a trusty form of Time Travel
though it is hard to find one big enough for a human

Speaking of Cher and poor timing, this reminds me of a St Patrick's Day joke which is a tad too late (or, too early, dependant on when you are reading this or where you are in time):
There's nothing like the feeling of straddling a canon on a naval ship while wearing a G-string.
 Ah, to be Cher, to be Cher.

Handy Time Travel Tip #38:
When my time travel machine breaks down I simply remain patient and wait for it to be fixed. Then I take the repaired and working time machine back in time to a few moments before it broke down and swap it with the repaired one. That way I never know that it broke down in the first place and I don't waste any time (actual) or money on the repair.


  1. Mmm... as I suspected. You are a nut. Just like my husband who has just sent his model Hoverboard down south to the Gold Coast to Supernova to be signed by Doc Brown from BTTF. You two would get on like a house on fire.

    1. Like your husband, I used to look up to Doc Brown until I discovered that he's a complete sham. A fraudster. Not only is he not a real Doctor, but that whole Time Travel documentary he was in turned out to be trick cinematography.
      Just remember - you can't make peanut butter without nuts. Or babies.
      (Babies make excellent cheap labour....)

  2. I was just asking a friend the other day about time travel - he works for the military and I am convinced they have this all squared away and regularly teleport people and items. He refused to answer, which is just as good as saying yes.

    1. Given it's a matter of national security I'm unwilling to confirm or deny.
      (However, with the safety of parenthesis I can confirm it is true)

  3. 3 years without a single person in sight....some days that would be bliss!

    Thanks for linking up with us at The Lounge!

    1. If you want to take the Time Machine for a weekend just let me know. For letting me stain your link with my poorly shaped words in sure I could give you a cheap charge out rate (just make sure you get time travel insurance)

  4. I'm still waiting for my future self to send back a time machine from the future to the past, or present. I keep making a point to remember where I am at specific times so the future me will know where to find past me - but I never remember. I suspect the key to this whole mess lies within my forgetfulness.
    One day, one day.

    1. As luck would have it I bumped into your future self just the other day (in the future, 2076, a Tuesday). He was looking befuddled and stammering things like "Where am I?", "Shouty Merv!" and "What am I doing here?".
      I reminded him about the time machine and a light lit up inside him, and he took off at once. But don't hold your breath - a dog with a puffy tail appeared, and he took off after it giggling to himself.

  5. This is the weirdest farking thing I've read in a long while! I would love nothing more that a little time machine action every now and then... The things I would do!

    Your post had a ring of familiarity - like I might know you, or someone just like you IRL... Like I said, a bit weird... Cheers for linking with The Lounge!

    1. Thanks for letting this farking weird thing on your lounge.
      If you bump into me in real life (I had to google what IRL means) make sure you say "Woops! My fault, I'm sorry I bumped into you, I was too busy reading this farking new article from Ronnie Peace at Peace'O'Mind"


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