A Timely Piece

[ THIS STORY WAS PUBLISHED BY SICK LIT MAGAZINE ]

Introduction: The literary work you are about to read has been widely described as "...ahead of it's time...". Granted, this was by me. And, mainly due to the fact that it hadn't been written yet. It was penned in the future and I went there, exactly to the future, to get it for you. So here it is. Ahead of it's time.

Have I ever told you about the time when I travelled back in time?

If you are privy to the successful methods of altering the time-space continuum for personal time travel, then I would safely assume your answer is yes (and I do);

For those without the creature comforts of having access to a time machine, Kerr Ring, Cosmic String, Wormhole or DeLorean, I will assume "no" or "not yet";

And for the benefit of both, I will tell you now so that it is forever laid down in the fabric of time so that you can come back and visit my retelling whenever you like (just drop a gold coin in the box out the front each time you visit, for the funding of on-going maintenance and administration).

One insignificant day I was mucking around in the garage, doing manly things with manly tools; tinkering and banging, swearing and tinkering, banging and greasing. When suddenly, whilst trying to bang a triangular metal object through a circular opening (that left me with a scar) there was a loud KABLOOOMY!!!!! as I had somehow inadvertently interrupted the time space continuum*.

(*one of my favourite words as it is a double ‘u’, not a ‘w’. Like ‘vacuum’, however, vacuum sucks. And the dad’s around the world applaud).

In doing so, this sent me shooting back thousands of years in time. You can imagine the excitement, right!?!

Nup. Boring!

There was nothing there. Wasn’t created yet. 

I had to wait for 3 years (estimated) before there was a big bang. Then I had to wait a fair while after that (estimated) before catching a lift with a passing mob of kangaroos that were being chased by a nude guy riding a Pterodactyl (who was eating an apple, coincidentally), before being able to make it back to the present.

I went to the dentist the following day, as being without a toothbrush for 3 years (and a fair while) my mouth was feeling a little furry.

This shocked the dentist – not so much from the severely yellowed teeth, the foul and unpleasant odour propelling from my cracked yellow tongue or the chipped and missing teeth (a legacy of my 3 year+ rock and bark diet) – more so, it was the timing as, in real time, I had only just gone to him for a check up a few days earlier before my time travel non-adventure.

This serves as a warning for all planning a trip through time. Pack a toothbrush, toothpaste and plenty of floss. And a good book.

Of course, you’re probably all sitting there reading this looking at your computer screens and shaking your heads, no doubt thinking I’m an idiot (me, not you). The basis of which you are no doubt referring to the Law of Causality (cause and effect) which, in its pure definition, disproves the possibility of travelling back through time. Well, settle down, you non-believers. I’ve never passed a Physics lesson in my life and i'm much too dumb to understand any of their complicated laws, so how on earth (and beyond) could they possibly apply to me.

In fact, some days I'm amazed that I haven't just completely floated off the face of this earth from my lack of understanding of the Universal Law of Gravitation. 

What you, dear reader, should find even more preposterous (or, preposterous-er) is ageing songstress Cher's musing about the possibility of turning back time. Like time is a boat full of refugees circling the waters of Australia, I assume. Which is utterly ridiculous. Stupid Cher.

How would she propose to secure the wormhole borders? Who would man them, and with what? Time stops for no man!

Therefore, it goes without saying (just typed) it would have to be a woman.

Cartoon: "Drunken Caterpillars of Society"
Tip: A wormhole is a trusty form of Time Travel
though it is hard to find one big enough for a human

Speaking of Cher and poor timing, this reminds me of a St Patrick's Day joke which is a tad too late (or, too early, dependant on when you are reading this or where you are in time):

There's nothing like the feeling of straddling a canon on a naval ship while wearing a G-string.

 Ah, to be Cher, to be Cher.

Handy Time Travel Tip #38:
When my time travel machine breaks down I simply remain patient and wait for it to be fixed. Then I take the repaired and working time machine back in time to a few moments before it broke down and swap it with the repaired one. That way I never know that it broke down in the first place and I don't waste any time (actual) or money on the repair.