Thursday, 8 October 2015

Magpie Season

In Australia, 'Magpies' (or, the 'Australian Magpie') are a type of bird that many refer to as The Great White Sharks of the air.

Though, my wife says, "No they don't, that's stupid, no one says that!"

And then I say, "Yes they do. Everyone says it. Stop reading my stuff"

And then she says, "You're an idiot"

And then I say, "Shut up! Get me another beer, goddammit!!" under my breath.

And then she says, "What did you just say?!?!" with her hands on her hips.

And I say, "Nothing, darling. I love you."

Regardless of whether I did end up getting that beer, the fact remains that spring time in Australia is a terrifying time for many Australians that choose to travel by foot, wheelchair, hoverboard, skateboard or bike in the vicinity of a magpie's nest.

For spring is Magpie Season. And in direct contrast to the Looney Tunes' hilarious "Rabbit Season / Duck Season" scenario, it is the Magpie that is the hunter.

During Magpie Season, the magpie stalks it's human prey from behind and above without warning. The victim will hear a 'swoosh'ing sound milliseconds before the magpie thrusts it's sharpened beak deap into the victims cranium.

At dusk you will hear the magpies laughing to each other as they tell their stories about the trauma and pain they had inflicted on the human race of that day.

Many lives are allegedly lost each year during magpie season to these silent killers of the sky - too many to count, and many more than those taken by sharks. And even more than deaths caused by taking epic selfies.

Yet the government does nothing.

Which is why I have taken it upon myself to use my words to warn others of the dangers before it is too late and humankind is taken over by the black and white flying overlords, eventually walking amongst us, driving our cars and taking our women.

As such, here is a poem to raise awareness. No doubt, it will be turned into a song and recorded by U2 or Coldplay or, equally, by a bunch of cats getting strangled. In anticipation of this foregone conclusion, I also wrote a rap to go with it (yes, Kanye, you can do this part).

Hello Mr and Mrs Magpie
Aiming me up
from up in the sky
Birds nest in my hair
viewed as their bullseye

Quite the odd couple

Mr and Mrs Magpie
Communique from these two
Ain't so black and white

The way they say 'hi'

Is to attack from up high
To peck at your scalp
Is their way to surprise

Come from behind (like the Greek)

They are really quite shy
To gouge deep in your skull
Is their loving goodbye

Click-Bang, Click-Bang

Mr and Mrs Magpie
This is your last Goodbye
Now get into my
Deliciously native
And Seasonal 
(recipe as seen on Masterchef)


It's I
They call me the Magpie
The Mr
Not Mrs, that's her
Say hi
We get high
By attacking your scalp as we fly by
Your head
We peck til you bled
or 'bleed', that's the correct tense
grammatical sense


  1. Well I really hope Coldplay don't record it because I hate them. Wishy washy band they are. (Personal opinion) I was attacked by a magpie when I was ten. They've been known to peck people's eyes out you know. Hideous creatures they are. The babies are cute though and they have a nice trilling song... but even so...

    1. You are a survivor. You must travel around from school assembly to school assembly warning people of the dangers (of both magpie and Coldplay).

  2. I think the hunted should quite being the hunted and go from the hunted to the hunter. Did that make sense? I think so.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺

    1. I don't think I'm the right person to answer that question

  3. It's only the Aussie magpies that have this thing against humans, the British ones are much more polite. Just sayin'!

  4. I'm sorry but the whole brilliant post was overshadowed by pure sympathy for your wife. She sounds awesome and i think you should get back in the kitchen and bake her a cake.

    1. Well, to counter, she did say "I do" (the high level of intoxication at the time should not absolve the decision but make it a more determined one) so...


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