Friday, 18 September 2015

The Stages Of Life

As humans we start this life much like we end it - crawling, incoherent and shitting our pants - such is the circle of life. The following is my scientific analysis on human life in a nutshell...

As a Sperm: Over-populated (see India). Millions are slaughtered on a daily basis. Only 'The Chosen One' or two will survive.

As an Embryo: Food on tap. Cramped living conditions, but peaceful. Lonely. Suspended in liquid - not recommended for those susceptible to sea or motion sickness. Room appears to gradually get smaller. Occasional prodding from behind flexible walls of room. Keep fit by punching and kicking walls.

The Birth: Someone pulls the plug and water escapes without warning. Scary. Try to escape* through only, and ridiculously small, opening.
(* some appear to have an accomplice working on the outside that cut an escape route / sun-roof)
Miraculously make it out of the demolished place that has been home for the last 9 or so months. Bright lights. Scary people in masks. One of them cuts the safety chord. Too scared to scream. Can no longer function as the life water is gone from body. Another person throws me on a table and continually hits me. It all becomes too much and start crying. Everyone seems to take great satisfaction in this.

Baby: Weird feelings and discomfort in stomach.  Finally find a white liquid that quells the pain. Have to suck the serum out of two large orbs. It constantly makes me sick. Throwing up all the time. But need it. May be addicted?
Giants keeps hitting me on back. Constantly falling asleep after the beatings.
Yellow and brown liquids emit from below my waste. Giants keep removing this for me which I take some pleasure from.
Giants make weird faces and make weird sounds - they don't know how stupid this makes them appear.
I make some attempts at calling for help late at night at random times for someone to rescue me from these giants, but the giants always make it to me first and force the white serum down my throat. Then hit me.

Infant: Slow, prolonged pain as one tooth after another appears forcefully through thick gums at a time. Torture. Why?!?
Finally get given some real food.
Slowly working up the skills to be mobile. This will be critical to my escape plans.
The giants seem incapable of learning my language so I have commenced learning theirs.
They seem determined to make me 'poo-poo', 'wee-wee' and 'go potty' in a big white opening. I prefer to make them remove it and clean it from me for now.

Child: Giants send me off to a holding place during the day where other 'survivors' like myself are held. They have a guard to look over us.

Teenager: Appear to be getting bigger, which will aid in my escape. Skin is covered in lumps. Voice is malfunctioning. Possible side affects from poisoning from the giants in attempts to thwart my escape. I can communicate fully now, but choose not to for fear they will learn too much of my plans.

Adult: The escape is successful! Freedom!
I'm now as big as the giants and fear the many years they held me in captivity has made me incapable of surviving in the wild, nullifying my natural instincts.
And so I return to the nest numerous times.

Senior: The body has slowed up. It creaks and breaks down regularly. It expands outwards as it seems to have reached it's maximum expanse upwards. In fact, it seems to now be retracting. The hair seems to have grown tired of the spots it had occupied on the body having retreated from there but now taking up previously unoccupied sites.

Elderly: The body appears to be retracting slowly into the shape it was as an embryo. The body now appears to be rejecting foods, through gaseous and other emissions.
Can no longer feed myself, and solid food is no longer an option as the body seems to have finally won it's battle against the teeth.
Finding it easier to communicate through my native language, rather than the one I had adopted from the giants.

Death: Cramped living conditions, but peaceful. Bodily fluids finally stopped emitting from every orifice.

More on (or, moron) the life in a nutshell expression: click here for more on that, from the moron himself*


  1. Bwahahahahahaha. Pretty much sizes the circle of life.

    Have a brilliant day. ☺

  2. Funny but depressing at the same time. It's all true though. We do end up bald, toothless, wrinkled and uncoordinated just like we were as babies. Plus we all start to look the same as each other again.

  3. Super funny and completely spot on!


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