Thursday, 29 October 2015

Halloween for Idiots

Hallo. Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Halloween, or Hallowe'en (for those who prefer the incorrect use of apostrophes in random placements in order to appear s'marter than they are), is an annual day of celebration observed (and participated) on 31 October.

Religious historians would have you bel'ieve the day has Christian origins, with possible pagan roots (which need to be dyed regularly), occurring on the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallow's Day. The religious leader of the time ('Bob') thought up the idea to scare the absolute living shit out of people in an attempt to have them yell, "Holy Shitballs!", "Jesus H. Christ!" or "Dear Moses' scrotum!", as an unorthodox way of spreading the Word of the Lord.

As blasphemous as this idea sounded it found some short-lived success, increasing Christian numbers in the 8th Century (coincidentally by the exact same percentage of the birth-rate of the time) and reaching number 4* on the Twitter Trending rankings of the time.
[*Source: The Vatican; as etched on the back of the door in the mens restroom, cubicle 2]

A small group of researchers in the 1840's refuted the above, claiming they had met upon a man from Scotland that they could understand and who was not drunk. As unlikely as this scenario would seem (particularly as I hadn't as yet written the above), they documented claims from this man that it was in fact the Scots who concocted Halloween as a way of celebrating the ancient Celtic harvest festival Samhain.
Halloween for Idiots
Try as one might it was next to impossible to scare
Yogi Bear's height-challenged friend, even if
as a Pac-Man ghost (the pink one)
Of course, whatever the origin, it was always going to lead to food, bonfires and hollowing out different types of fruit and vegetables then carving scary faces in them before putting a candle inside it (or similar illuminative objects such as a light bulb, nuclear waste or Donald Trump's spray-on tan. Allegedly).

Initially, the food tradition started with fruits and vegetables, as nutritional historians would have us believe. And do.

However, an intellectual friend of Albert Einstein's devised a cunning plan to make himself rich from the celebration by introducing lollies, chocolate, candy and sugar dipped honey to the tradition - an easy sell given the natural enemy to a child's taste buds being 'fruit and vegetables, and given a parent's Kryptonite is a child's tantrum when they can't have candy. It was as simple as giving candy to a baby.

His name was Sir William E Wonka. And is, though, only in death. Many thought of 'Willy' as a superior intellect to Einstein, and many were right (though we can't be sure which ones). Sir Willy went on to be hugely successful with his chocolate factory, becoming rich beyond his wildest imaginations and driving a Corvette.

Unfortunately, he met an untimely demise after being unfairly scrutinised by the dastardly Official-types at the Health & Safety Departmental Place who investigated him for unusual levels of radiation at the factory after one or two of his employees complained of glowing orange skin and stunted growth since working there.

He couldn't handle the negative press and committed suicide in a high speed elevator accident.

Devastated by his good friends loss, Einstein was reported to have posted a tribute to Sir Willy via Instagram which read,
"What goes up must come down."


Other Peace'O'Mind facts about Halloween:

  • At the start of each festival the house-band (alternative Pennsylvanian band Ween) would play their spooky 'death-harvest' song Push Th' Little Daisies: before the opening note it became a 'thing' for crowds to yell out to the band "Hello, Ween!" And so, the festival soon became known as Halloween;
  • Though Sir William E Wonka received sole credit for introducing lollies to Halloween, it was a group of Dentists that flagged the idea with Willy;
  • Donald Trump sticks a candle in his mouth on Halloween and no one can tell the difference between him and a Jack'O'Lantern;
  • Halloween first started with Prostitutes - during the Great  Abstinence of 1267 the Ladies of the Night were unable to make a living 'turning tricks' for cash. After hiring some fast-talking advertising hotshots, they devised a plan to reinvigorate there business by expanding their business to also selling a range of sweets. This was called Trick or Treats.
  • Female College students and B-Grade actors have increasingly used Halloween as an excuse to get their boobs out.
  • Male College students, and many voyeurs around the world, look forward to Halloween each year with eager anticipation.
Happy Halloween

16 comments:

  1. Very informative post Ronnie although some of the facts were a bit loosely referenced :) I can't wait for the cute little monsters to come a knockin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Pinky. Me and my team of research monkeys down at the Peace'O'Mind factory like to keep it very loose.
      I'm Jack'O'Kids rapping on my door begging for my lollies

      Delete
  2. Ha Ha! Brilliant post, love it :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must have this post mistaken for someone else, but thanks all the same

      Delete
  3. Well, it's more accurate than wikipedia, and a LOT more fun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll pass the feedback on to my team of researchers - I know they strive to be at or near Wikipedia level, so to be one above ; wow!

      Delete
  4. LOL My friend that was one hell of a ride! Pure awesomeness right here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No no, you're awesomeness!
      Just glad you didn't get motion sickness.

      Delete
  5. You should really run for Prime Minister. Your knowledge is astounding and the way you crisp your way through the bits you dobt know (obviously drunk) is incredible. Freaking great work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not with this dodgy knee and belly full of beer and chocolates, I couldn't.
      I don't know more things than i care to remember.

      Delete
  6. "Dear Moses' Scrotum " Poetry, sheer poetry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just think it doesn't get the recognition it deserves, ya know.
      You get it.

      Delete
  7. Ba humbug, I love Halloween but thanks for the laugh, very entertaining :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laugh? Kooky, I've never been more serious. I am a serious journalist with a serious haircut.
      (It's probably my bow tie that spins around that confuses things)

      Delete

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