Halloween for Idiots - What does Hallowe'en me'an?

Hallo'.


Weening you onto the true origin of Halloween is as easy as Paris Hilton. Or baking a pumpkin pie. But never the tween shall meet.

As an Australian, Halloween is simply an afternoon spent quietly inside, creeping around with the lights off to avoid the greedy, greasey handed rapping upon the front door of my house by strange children in order to salvage my sacred lolly and chocolate stash from their begging, filthy grasps.

But there's more to this horrifying day than meets the eye, and rots the teeth. Here's how:

Halloween, or Hallowe'en (for those who prefer the incorrect use of apostrophes in random placements in order to appear s'marter than they are), is an annual day of celebration observed (and participated) on 31 October.

Religious historians would have you beli'eve the day has Christian origins, with possible pagan roots (which should be dyed regularly), occurring on the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallow's Day.


The religious leader of the time ('Bob') thought up the idea to scare the absolute living shit out of people in an attempt to have them yell,
"Holy Shitballs!",
"Jesus H. Christ!" or
"Dear Moses' scrotum!",
as an unorthodox way of spreading the Word of the Lord.

As blasphemous as this idea sounded it found some short-lived success, increasing Christian numbers in the 8th Century (coincidentally by the exact same percentage of the birth-rate of the time) and reaching number 4* on the Twitter Trending rankings of the time.
[*Source: The Vatican; as etched on the back of the door in the mens restroom, cubicle 2]

A small group of researchers in the 1840's refuted the above, claiming they had met upon a man from Scotland that they could understand and who was not drunk. As unlikely as this scenario would seem these dwarf-sized researchers documented claims from the man that it was in fact the Scots who concocted Halloween as a way of celebrating the ancient Celtic harvest festival Samhain.

Try as one might it was next to impossible to scare
Yogi Bear's height-challenged friend, even if
dressed as a Pac-Man ghost (the yellow one)

Of course, whatever the origin, it was inevitably always going to lead to food, bonfires and the hollowing out different types of fruit and vegetables then carving scary faces in them before putting a candle inside it (or similar illuminative objects such as a light bulb, nuclear waste or Donald Trump's spray-tan. Allegedly).

Initially, the food tradition started with fruits and vegetables, as nutritional historians would have us believe. And do.


Of course, that was never going to catch on.

An intellectual friend of Albert Einstein's devised a cunning plan to make himself rich from the celebration by introducing lollies, chocolate, candy and sugar dipped honey to the tradition - an easy sell given the natural enemy to a child's taste buds being 'fruit and vegetables, and given a parent's Kryptonite is a child's tantrum when they can't have lollies.


It was as simple as giving candy to a baby.

His name was Sir William E Wonka. Many thought of 'Willy' as a superior intellect to Einstein, and many were right (though we can't be sure which one). Sir Willy went on to be hugely successful with his chocolate factory, becoming rich beyond his wildest imaginations and driving a fully sic Corvette with phat rims.

Unfortunately, he met an untimely demise after being unfairly scrutinised by the dastardly Official-types at the Health & Safety Departmental Place who investigated him for unusual levels of radiation at the factory after one or two of his employees complained of glowing orange skin and stunted growth since working there.

He couldn't handle the negative press, went on a curly-wurly-fuelled bender and ultimately died in a high speed elevator accident. A sugar crash.

Devastated by his good friends passing, Einstein was reported to have posted a tribute to Sir Willy via Instagram which read,

"What goes up must come down."

Other li'l known FACTS about Halloween:

• At the start of each festival the house-band (alternative Pennsylvanian band Ween) would play their spooky 'death-harvest' song Push Th' Little Daisies: before the opening note it became a thing for crowds to yell out to the band "Hello, Ween!" And so, the festival soon became known as Halloween;
• Though Sir William E Wonka received sole credit for introducing lollies to Halloween, it was a group of  out-of-work Dentists that flagged the idea with Willy;
• Donald Trump sticks a candle in his mouth on Halloween and no one can tell the difference between him and a Jack'O'Lantern. (hint: one of them's had all the shit removed from their mouth before the candles inserted, the others dribbles out naturally. At Halloween there's a LOT of jack'o'lanterns - the rest of the year there's a helluva lot more jack'o'trump);
• Halloween first started with prostitutes - during the Great Abstinence of 1267 the Ladies of the Night were unable to make a living 'turning tricks' for cash. After hiring some fast-talking advertising hotshots, they devised a plan to reinvigorate their business by diversifying to also selling a range of sweets. This was called Trick or Treats.
• Female College students and B-Grade actors have increasingly used Halloween as an excuse to get their boobs out.
• Male College students, and many voyeurs around the world, look forward to Halloween each year with eager anticipation.

Happy Hallowe(')en


(now lock your doors and turn off your lights - the little people are coming...)