Thursday, 26 November 2015

The Heat In The Kitchen

I walked into a melee in the kitchen. The appliances were bickering again. 

Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black, and the kettle took offence (it preferred the term 'onyx').

The fence heard the onyx kettle take offence and got scared for his own safety, creating another barrier to relations in (and out of) the house.

The dog escaped through the missing fence and bit the mailman very stereotypically on the mailbag.

In the kerfuffle the portable heater was knocked to the ground. The saucepan helped it stand back up again.
Peace'O'Mind Cartoon
PHOTO: Something we prepared earlier. A great meal to
prepare with leftovers from The MasterChef Finale

The chaos was causing mixed feelings in the house (not the fault of the blender on this particular occasion). The kitchen sink was finding the whole commotion draining, yet the kitchen tap appeared to be turned on by it all.

It was all becoming a little too heated. Someone blamed the oven, who in turn, blamed the microwave (who was turning).

I suggested we all sit down over a cup of tea to resolve this.

The saucepan suggested it may be more comfortable to sit down on chairs, which was a much more realistic suggestion.

The cup of tea breathed a sigh of relief (it had been tea-bagged twice today already)

We were short two chairs so I got some stool samples out of the fridge. The baking tray decided to stand.

The heater misjudged his seat and fell basting-brush-over-whisk again. The dust pan stood it back up.

I went to boil the kettle, but it seemed someone had stuffed it full of fish. This wasn't the black one, which is a whole other kettle.

Things calmed down as we all enjoyed a relaxing cup of tea. He was doing wonderful, laid-back renditions of Katie Perry songs on his ukulele.

As much as this placated the room, the ukulele seemed strung out.

To show her appreciation, the toaster decided to raise a glass to the relaxing cup of tea's talents. Of course, the toast burnt, which turned the smoke alarm on. The kinky bugger.

The smoke alarm shared a look with the tap.

To clear the air the spatula turned the fan on. But that didn't work, it was completely exhausted.

Well, having heard all this, the tiles were completely floored.

Everyone looked over at the kitchen sink and laughed. The tap was still turned on, which was quite the running joke.

The heater laughed so hard it fell to the floor yet again. Everyone came to the heaters assistance (except for the splayds* who are a bunch of weird-arse looking inbreds) but no matter how hard they tried the heater was laughing so much that they couldn't stand it back up again.
(* also referred to as sporks)

Which only goes to show if you can't stand the heater get out of the kitchen.


  1. Very clever Ronnie. I mean it. I love it :)

    1. thanks Mrs Poinker! But I can't take any of the creative credit as it was a true story, and the 'cartoon' was an actual photo that I traced from Rv show "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Outta This Chowder"

  2. Manged to fit in stool samples. Impressed that you are consistent with form. I found this a very entertaining and witty read. You are definitely now cooking with gas and did not jump out of the frying pan into the fire but kept all options on the table. So congratulations you will have your audience eating out of your hands. So stick a fork in me i am done.

    1. Thanks Ben Zen, and might I add you showed a great use of puns. I don't use puns myself - my writing is much more intelligent than that.
      My best work has involved stool samples.

  3. I've been told don't use cliches in my writing and you're the reason I continue to do so. They rock and people underestimate the visual brilliance of them. Amazing yet again.

  4. This was entertaining. You are always a very crafty writer. Thanks for linking up in the Ultimate Rabbit Hole.

    1. I appreciate your comments Karin, though I must warn you if people read them you may get committed.


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