Friday, 6 March 2015

Bossy boots

As detailed in the brilliant documentary "Horrible Bosses" every single human has a natural tendency to want to put their bosses out of their misery. Or, at the very least, to cause harm or pain to.

Reginald was no exception to this rule.

Of course, he could never act on these God-given urges. Or could he?

No. Not legally. Nor humanely.

But he did have access to his bosses house. 

And in his house was, as is common in most well thought out and carefully constructed houses, his bathroom. 

And in his bathroom was a platypus. While a platypus is one of the only mammals to lay eggs (and Reginald's boss did like his eggs), were once hunted for its fur up until the 20th century (presumably for knitting face-warmers and merkins), has a spur in its hind foot which contains venom that can cause severe pain to humans such as us (so you should never sneak up on a platypus for he may stumble back and step on you with his hind spur) and has the most sensitive electroreception of all the Monotremes (so you should never tease it); none of these are the reason it was in Reginald's bosses bathroom.

While, true, it had had a strong curry last night and was in desperate need of evacuating his bowels, Reginald's boss kept the platypus as a shoe horn. For it is commonly known that platypus bills make excellent shoe horns. 

But the platypus was none of Reginald's concern. Nor ours.

*Back to the contents of the bathroom.*

And nearby the platypus-cum-shoe-horn sitting on the toilet reading the women's magazines whilst evacuating its curry-filled bowels was the bathroom sink.

And up top of that sink was Reginald's bosses' toothbrush. A strange constipated look washed over Reginald's face, which turned out to be a devious smirk (Reginald was no oil painting - but if he were, he'd be an ugly one that when you looked at the oil painting you would say, "Eeew! That's one ugly oil painting of some ugly, constipated dude!").

The creases to his face had appeared due to his thoughts of what he would do to that toothbrush.

Without a moments hesitation Reginald grabbed the toothbrush by its handle, dropped the board shorts that his mother had given him for Christmas from his waist and shoved the toothbrush down the crevice of his patchily hairy arsehole.

This stung Reginald a little as he momentarily wished he'd removed the fresh toothpaste from the toothbrush beforehand. But now was no time for regret.

What seemed like minutes later Reginald stopped the up and down motion of the toothbrush in his crack and moved the toothbrush, and himself, towards the toilet.

The smirk was now overcoming his whole face, much like the mask from The Mask. Though, his face may be many things but it was certainly not green. Nor was it Jim Carrey.

Alrighty then.

He reached to the toilet with the toothbrush with his left hand, lifted the platypus' (platypuses or platypi) left bum cheek with his right hand and commenced stirring the contents of the toilet with the toothbrush.

Inadvertently, he gave the toilet the best clean it had had for years, getting right up under the rim. Reginald's boss' cleaner was lazy, and smoked pot in his walk-in wardrobe when she was on the clock, which goes some way to explain the state of the toilet.

Just as Reginald was about to re-place the toothbrush back from where art thou it had wence came, his boss entered the room scaring the be-Jesus out of Reginald. And, concurrently, the curry out of the shoe horn.

The owl in the study looked on unapprovingly.

Reginald was subsequently arrested and fired from his job. His boss sent his maid down to the shops to fetch him a new toothbrush. The request made her giggle from her blood-shot eyes.
Many months passed and Reginald was doing it tough. He was now living on the streets and, without a job, he had no purpose in life. The natural urge to murder his boss was gone, given he had no boss.

Reginald was making his bed (the concrete footpath) with yesterdays news and, as he was almost done, something on his newspaper bed took his eye. The article heading read (well, Reginald read it):

The familiar strange, constipated look washed over Reginald's face once again.

Now here's a drawing of an owl (this owl has nothing to do with the owl that was in the study).
Peace'O'Mind Cartoon
Cartoon: Here's a drawing of an owl flying away with
some fresh lunch for his family. Presumably he has learnt
the art of levitation given his wings are by his side.


  1. Ummm I always start reading your posts thinking, where the hell is he going with this?.. and there is always somewhere.... poor reg...and his boss.....

    1. Very interesting Lady Temple, as when I start typing my articles I also wonder where I'm going with it.
      In this instance the ending turned out to be a hoot. Which is nice


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