Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Hare Of The Dog - The Live Baiting Scandal

Last week (our time) the Australian Greyhound Racing Industry was in turmoil as ABC's Four Corners program uncovered the explosive and disturbing revelation that trainers were conducting live baiting. That is, training greyhounds to race with rabbits, possums and other animals on the lure as bait. 
Cartoon: an Artist's impression of the live-baiting scandal
(it should be noted that, for legal reasons, any resemblance
to a famous duck or rabbit is purely coincidental: images are
drawn from images in a National Geographic (but not traced))

Such an inhumane act and, dare I say, one that is not too kind for the poor animals either, has rightly caused a great outcry amongst society. (Ed., check if there is such a word as "inanimale", if so, replace it for "inhumane" and get rid of the rest of this sentence. Oh, and can you let me know who won the best male Oscar - my money is on the baby from "American Sniper". Solid.)

Never has a scandal so scandalous as this hit the greyhound racing scene since the infamous banning of using monkeys (and/or small children) as jockeys on greyhounds back in 1967. 

The practice of riding greyhounds in races was banned in all countries bah Uganda who still maintain this form of racing to this very day (Thursday). The winning monkey (or small child) is showered with bananas from the losing jockeys and, in some of the smaller meets, have f(a)eces thrown at them, as is their wont.

Being I, myself, a renowned investigative reporter (or, as the 'law' prefers to describe me; a known reported person under investigation - tomatoes, tomatoes) I set out to delve into this allegedly disgusting practice.

And so I gathered a group of experts (my mates from the country), and our dogs (also experts), and set out on a fact-finding mission. 

That is, we went camping, as it was a weekend and I figured we could claim this as a tax write-off. We are all massive dog-lovers and take our dogs regularly on our camping ventures into the wild. They love pig-shooting as much as we do.

One of us was overheard saying, over the top of another one of us saying, 
"That there live-baiting debacle that's going on that's been dominating the news o'er the wireless is disgustin' and that."
There was a lot of grunting, "hear, here-ing" and more than one fart that followed (through).

To which another responded,
"Yeah, too right. No wonder them dish-lickers are so skinny, bein' forced to eat them skinny rabbits 'n possums. The right thing is to feed'm a big juicy wild pig like we do."

Damn straight.

Apparently, this form of cheating has rocked the dog-racing world. And rightly so.
Cartoon: Like humans, dogs can be immature, as proven in this illustration
What happened to the good old days where all you needed to get the best out of your dog was to gently grab his nuts with the left hand and squeeze while simultaneously licking your index finger on your right hand and inserting into your dog's anus up to the second knuckle, then chucking him into his stall before racing off to victory?!?

Next week I will not be reporting on the plague of rabbits destroying our farms and threatening our native wallabies in Uluru, as there is no connection to this story whatsoever.

(note: as always this article was intended to be typed in Sarcastica Font. If only the goons at Microsoft would return my calls and pay me the money, the issue of sarcasm in writing would no longer be)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank YOU for reading or, at the very least, scrolling to the bottom.
Please leave a comment and my trained monkey's will get excited and respond in kind, or unkind.