Monday, 30 March 2015

The Idea That Birthed Gogglebox on The People's Couch - Part 2 The Dialogue

(continued from Part 1)

And now, for your square-eyes only, here is the exclusive and mind-numbing dialogue that brought forth the beauty that is the idea of Gogglebox*...
(* or, The People's Couch for American and Canadian viewers)

[Scene: Television Executive Planning Room (with big table). There are half eaten custard scrolls on the table and everyone has a takeaway coffee cup in their hands, for show]

Roger Executive: OK hotshots, I haven't heard a good idea all morning. Blow me!
Sally Admin: (whispers to Roger) "Away", sir. "Blow me away".
Roger Exec: Exactly, Sally. C'mon people, blow me and Sally (raises eyebrows in Sally's direction) away with your new TV ideas!
Nelly Next-in-line: How about modern day remake of The Odd Couple starring Matthew Perry...
Roger Exec: Yeeeesssssss! Go onnnnnnnn...!
Nelly: ...and Thomas Lennon...
Roger Exec: You're Fired! Next!
Larry Ladder-Climber: Uhhh, how about a reality show like The Bachelor, except that it's about a human master in search of his 'best friend' with 10 slutty dogs competing for his attention...?

Roger Exec: hmmm, go on.
Larry: Yes, yes, ermmm ... Yeah, and instead of a 'rose ceremony', there is a 'bone ceremony'.
Roger Exec: Hmmm ... No, no, no. This won't do at all. Famous semi-fictional writer Ronnie Peace of Peace'O'Mind will write about it and destroy it!

Larry: Ah, yes, Ronnie. Brilliant writer. Ahead of his time.
Roger Exec: Yes, a very funny semi-fictional man, indeed. Perhaps we should get him working on these ideas instead of you (looks at Larry and makes a throat-slitting gesture).
[Larry loosens his buttoned up collar, making a comical "eww, eww" sound, like they do in the cartoons]

Sally Admin: Sir, in all due respect, we should really get onto the matter at hand, rather than gratuitously plugging Ronnie Peace's Peace'O'Mind within his own blog.
Roger Exec: Excellent thinking, Sally! (points finger at the remaining TV writers in the room with one hand, while the other hand is shoving a custard scroll in his mouth inaccurately) C'mon people! What am I paying you for?!?
[Roger spies Broderick - the school student on work experience - in the corner picking his nose and checking Twitstaface*, turns to him (not knowing who he is)]

(* patent pending, pending creation of said online social networking media service)
Roger Exec: You - booga farmer - here's your chance to be promoted to Vice-President of this expensive and famously known TV company - GO!  Broderick Student: Ummm ... like... uhhh, like... ya know ... what if there's a TV show where we watch people watching a TV show, or something...?
Yoda: (smoking a bong in the corner) Dude! Totally blown, my mind, it is!

Roger Exec: Yes! (shoots an imaginary bullet at Broderick through his hand shaped as a handgun. A hand-handgun, if you will.) Bang! (he recoils his middle finger, before blowing imaginary smoke off the tip of his index finger)
Barry Browntongue: We compile a number of different "regular" (he makes the quotation mark symbol as he says this with his hands (what a wanker)) couples from different socioeconomic backgrounds - the stereotypical types - supply them with alcohol, and - as you said, boss - bang! (he says, capitalising on his bosses approval of the school-experience kid's idea)
[there is a lot of high-fiving and butt-slapping. Shares in this expensive and famously known TV company spike suddenly]
Roger Exec: Brilliant work, Broderick. Or, should I say ... Vice President...
[more high fiving and butt-slapping. Someone does a body-shot off a g-string clad midget's belly button]
Broderick: Wahoo, I'm rich!
Roger Exec: Yes, yes it's good. Money is good. Now, Vice President, get to work. Get a team of writers together and get writing.
Broderick: But... it doesn't need to be written... there's no script...?
Roger Exec: Bloody insolent bastard. You let the power get to your head. You're fired! (turns to Sally) Get Seinfeld in here to get a script together for this show. And get that Ronnie Peace guy involved too!
(now saying to himself)... hmmm, now, what'll we call it...?
Sally: Ok, I'll call them - I just need to get my glasses. Now, where did I put them ... ah, yes, in the office goggle box ... there they are.
Roger Exec: Gogglebox - that's the one! Brilliant work, Sally! Gogglebox it shall be named; that is, unless I am in America or Canada at this very moment, in which case we will obviously call it The People's Couch for obvious reasons only knownst to us Americans and/or Canadians... 

And so, as history has just proven via the accurate transcript above - no, it was not a good idea. And I'll be damned if I can sit through a 30 second advertisement of the damned thing let alone the whole thing.

I don't know about you but when I sit down to watch a TV show or movie I sit down with the purpose of watching said TV show or movie - NOT to listen to an annoying friend or relative constantly interrupting my viewing to make some lame, half-arsed wisecracks or titty jokes while I miss the main point of the show. And now this show Gogglebox provides this annoyance without the hassle of having to have friends or relatives sit beside you., I guess, there's that.

Cartoon: A picture says a thousand words


  1. I reckon a booger farming work experience kid did create this pile of shite too! Brilliant Ronnie. I've never watched I promise but have seen the ads for it and agree . I feel like my IQ goes down several notches as I'm watching the ads. I just subscribed to your blog via email so I don't miss anything ;)

    1. Thanks for the subscription Pinky Poinker. I promise not to send you too many Nigerian scam emails.

  2. Fantastic post Ronnie! Where to next for TV? People watching people watching people watching grass grow? It's shows like this that forced me to circumvent geo-blocking and get Netflix et al. Now free to air TV is merely a novelty to be mocked and pointed at. Bloody TV execs, they'll be the reason the movie Idiocracy becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

    1. Thanks Free Range Scotto.
      That grass growing show sounds interesting! New turf for TV, so to speak

  3. Not a good idea ever. Fortunately, my TV (having been brought back from an overseas posting and which is still networked to overseas channels of a non-English speaking country - but is too far away to pick them up anymore - and for which I have been too lazy to buy a box top thingy that would pick up local channels) is untainted by this rubbish. Now Japanese shows that involve someone sitting on a block of ice for as long as they can or having ants crawl all over them or eating something unrecognisable... now that's TV. Thanks for linking up at Champagne Missives :)

    1. Too right Fluffy. It surely is, in any language, "champagne " television


Thank YOU for reading or, at the very least, scrolling to the bottom.
Please leave a comment and my trained monkey's will get excited and respond in kind, or unkind.