Thursday, 19 January 2017

The Kyrgios Case of Benjamin Butt'ole (the Office Worker)

8:32am: Benjamin Butt'ole walks into the office with earphones on and bag over shoulder. Sits down at desk, takes his tracksuit pants off, unzips his bag at his feet and goes through his selection of pens for the day.

8:40am: Has a drink from his sports drink container. Spills a bit on his shirt. Yells to Doris in the kitchen to throw him a towel.

8:41am: Benjamin's Manager requests to speak to him in his office.

8:44am: Manager gives Benjamin a gentle caution for shouting too loudly in the office and asks if he could refrain from doing so for the remainder of the day just like he has had to previously request on every other work day.

8:47am: Benjamin storms out of Manager's office but not before accusing his Manager of 'unbelievable bias' and that his decision was 'f**king bulls**t'.

8:48am: Benjamin is called back into his Manager's office and asked to explain his outburst. He responds, "So you're telling me every single person that has said that in this office has got a code violation?"
The Manager looks confused, suggesting that he doesn't know what a 'code violation' even means. 
Benjamin carries on regardless, "You are telling me that? In the history of our workplace? Every single person? You tell me that? That's rubbish!" He says this while gesticulating to the office window, much to the cleaner - Richard Kinnarkus' - bemusement. 
The Manager advises Benjamin that he needs to be careful and calm down or he'll be forced to call HR in to issue him with an official warning. 

8:57am: Benjamin leaves his Manager's office and refers to him as 'dirty scum' to a fellow work colleague.

Benjamin spends the next two hours on social media before opening up his work emails, responding to each one with:

Dear Dirty Scum,

Couldn't care less, to be completely honest with you. 
Just... big deal.

Regards, BB

11:03am: Benjamin is told by fellow work colleague, Hilton, that the Manager would like to see him in his office immediately. Benjamin, agitated with the news Hilton has brought him, responds, "Dick Kinakis banged your girlfriend. Sorry to tell you that mate."
This had no affect on Hilton as he was not currently in a physical relationship, and was a homosexual.

11:04am: Benjamin bursts into his Manager's office, who is currently on the phone. "Get off your f***ing phone!"
His Manager finishes his phone call and gets off his f***ing phone in his own time.
"Benjamin, I've seen the emails you've sent this morning and, quite frankly, it's unprofessional and unacceptable".
"Are you accusing me of tanking?"
"Tanking? Benjamin, I need you to do your job. For once, please just try to do your job. Try."
"Of course I tried," Benjamin said. "There was a lot of ups and downs. It was a tough, tough time, especially when you're not missing any of my emails... I feel as if I'm not working not how I should be working. I'm angry at myself."
"OK Benjamin, now we're getting somewhere. I also need to talk to you about that heavy metal music you are playing at work. We're getting a lot of complaints..."
"I think it's mental. Mental side of things are big for me. That's where a coach would be good. But obviously I wasn't physically 100 per cent. But it's mental, as well. A massive part of it."
"Nope, I really think it's heavy 'metal' music, but we'll let that slide. Regardless, it would be much appreciated if you didn't play it in the office, for the sake of your co-workers, okay?"
"I don’t owe them anything. It’s my choice. If you don’t like it, I didn’t ask you to come watch. Just leave."
"Well take this as a direct order from your boss."
"Does it feel good to be up there in that chair? Does it make you feel strong?"
With that Benjamin storms out of his Manager's office. His co-worker, Lleyton, asks him what happened.
Benjamin says, "He was getting a bit lippy with me. (It was) kind of in the heat of the moment. I don't know. I just said it."

12:47pm: In the lunch room Benjamin saddles up besides the CEO of the company and tells him that he would walk away from his job - at just 21 - if he ever wins the 'Employee of the Month' award.

1:18pm: Benjamin walks back to his desk and throws the keyboard down on the ground. It bounces and almost knocks out a ball-boy. He pulls another keyboard out of his gym bag and sits down.

1:58pm: HR comes to talk about today's workplace indiscretions with Benjamin. Asking him why he thinks he has said and done things he has done today, Benjamin offers,
"Poor management, I guess. I think I didn't have the best preparation. It's on me. Did a couple things in the off-season that I'm probably not going to do next time. It's on me, I guess. My body's not in good enough shape. You live and you learn."
HR recommends Benjamin go to the corporate gym if he believes his body is part of the issue, but suggests that management may not be to blame for his attitude problems at work.
Benjamin responds, "You know, it hurts. It hurts me to see them, they've got families, they're sacrificing their time trying to get me over the line. It's tough. It's tough"
"Well, that's good self-reflection there, Benjamin." HR says. "Now, I notice your sales figures are down - how do you think you are performing in selling these ATP Fans?"
"I am someone who gives a huge amount of time to my fans because I love and value their support. Their energy is what motivates me to reach for the top of the game. I regret that my year is ending this way and that I will not have a chance to continue chasing the ATP Finals"
HR questions Benjamin about a missing shipment of matches, asking if he is guilty in anyway of taking them.
"I'm Ok. Like, I'm all right. You know, the world keeps spinning. I lost one match."
Lastly, HR addresses Benjamin about a complaint from a few clients about his work attire or, to be more specific, a lack of pants-wearing.
"I kind of like the freedom of just going out there, doing whatever, going with the flow a little bit. I just like being comfortable."
HR makes it clear that he must wear pants at all times, whether at the workplace or visiting potential fan-purchasing clients.
On hearing this he threw another keyboard onto the floor, jumped onto his desk and yelled,
"I didn't sign up for this shit", while up there clearly showing a lack of pants around his groinal region.

As Benjamin is assisted out of the office by security the sound of booing from his co-workers rings in his ears. There is a solitary 'Aussie-Aussie-Aussie' that is loudly whispered with a noticeable lack of confidence.

There is no 'Oi-Oi-Oi'. 

[Note: all italic words in a lovely purple hue are actual quotes from Australia's most tweet-able tennis player.]


  1. You didn't mention his best mate, Ben Catatomic!

    1. Hi Anonymous, I trust I can call you Anon?
      At the time of writing, Burn Hard was out getting new balls.


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