Friday, 20 May 2016

Workplace Safety in Construction (and SHIT).

"Good afternoon CEO, 2IC, Chairperson, VC, UCE, Uso, Ladies & Gentlemen, Trans genders, dish-lickers and SFA's.

It is my good honour to have the stage at this privileged time of the proceedings, preceding the 'Accountancy Update' and following the lunch break. Prime time, baby!

Why they have such a dry and "taxing"... (* stepping away from the podium to do the world-wide symbol for inverted commas or I'm-a-wanker-look-at-me-this-was-funny-one-time-in-history-and-i'm-doing-it-now-expecting-mass-applause type actions *) ...topic like Accounting after the lunch break one will never know. Zzzzzzzz, am I right?!?
Haha, yeah, you think it's funny don't you, Barry. Everyone, Barry from the 2nd floor who sends out those witty emails about big-busted blondes (* winks at Barry *).

Ok, that was just a little light humour to get everyone in the mood after lunch. Don't worry, there's more where that came from (* looks at Supervisor *).

Ha, everyone, my Supervisor Stanley! Look at him over there, he's shaking his head at me. Such a dry sense of humour.
Dickhead Protection
Photo: Signs can be an affective form of Hazard awareness
Right-eey-oh, now, to my Work Health and Safety (WHS) talk. Before I start I will have to ask you to put your earplugs in.

I'm waiting...

Aaargh, haha, I'm just yanking your chains - with three points of contact, of course! A bit of WHS humour which you will all appreciate ... when you get it. 

Yeah, there you go, Jane from the front desk just got it. Record time for Jane, too. That's right, we all know Jane don't we.

But seriously folks, it's good to have a sense of humour with all things in life, but safety is no laughing matter - Wheelchair William is a good case in point. Hi William - always got the best seat in the house don't you, mate. No, no, don't get up on my behalf.

Ooooh, tough crowd.

Ok, Ok, this has been fun, right. But let's get to the main act. I've been asked to speak to you all today about an exciting new initiative in the safety field.

For nigh on many months now - some may say years, and some may be calenderically correct - I've been working on a new concept for dealing with WHS in the workplace.

Lord, I give to you: the Safety & Health Initiatives Team!
(* waits for applause *)
(* continues to wait with a supercilious grin upon face *)
The S.H.I.T. y'all!

Now that the concept has been finalised and funding has been approved, the SHIT is about to get real.
Ron Acme Cartoon Peace'O'Mind
Cartoon: Two people talking shit

Although it may seem like it has taken an overly long time - as 'Supervisor Stanley' keeps chiding me about - quality results take time, and that's how long it takes to get my SHIT together. But, as you will no doubt agree - and I'll take the liberty of quoting the Queen of little doubt, Gwen Stefani, here - "this SHIT is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-r-n-a-r-z".
So with the announcement from accounts that funding is forthcoming, it definitely looks like SHIT is happening.

I am compiling a SHIT made up of the best people that this company can excrete and, once trained up, we will dump the SHIT on all our work sites at one time or another throughout the country.

If you would like to be put in the SHIT, by all means I am happy to make that happen. Remember, and I think I can speak for the CEO here - haha, she's a funny woman, shaking her head at me with a silly cross look on her concerned face - no one is too big in this company to be dumped in the SHIT.

I make SHIT happen. 

Of course, in it's infancy, we will be asking for volunteer sites eager to have a SHIT based on their project. Believe me, as the main SHIT-kicker-off-er-er, I can't wait to have SHIT run all over each and everyone of your projects.

Lastly, the main focus of SHIT is to make safety the number one priority again. So, everyone, join with me in our chant:

'SHIT for more than number two's, SHIT for more than number two's, SHIT for more than number two's...'
(* drops the microphone on the floor and kicks the lectern over *)

[Speaker] 'Ok, that was Ronnie with his SHIT presentation...let's take a 10 minute toilet break...'

For more SHIT references from Ronnie Peace, see:


  1. LOL!! Cartoon: Two People Talking Shit.
    This is hysterical.
    Great way to start my day.

    1. A shit start to the day is not always a bad thing

  2. I appreciated this a LOT having been a member of an acronym rich workplace for over 40 years in public education.

    1. By my calculations the western world will be talking in pure acronyms by 2030.

  3. Replies
    1. You are.
      Thanks for reading and commenting.


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