Sunday, 31 May 2015

Games to Play in Public Swimming Pools

Fancy a dip? If it's in a public swimming pool then it's a lucky dip if you'll come out alive.

(Mmmm, dip. 
My favourite dip is salsa. 
And I do like to say salsa. 
"Salsa, salsa, SALSA"
See, I told you.)

If you are OK with sharing bodily fluids, urinary and faecal matter, and other bodily excretions from millions of strangers, then a day at the public pool can be a fun day out. Likewise, if you have the superpower to fight off deadly bacteria and rare sickness inducing micro organisms, then swimming laps at the public pool can be a healthy activity.

To me, I'd rather stay in the confines of my own home, drinking my toilet water - at least I know what's been in there. Me. And visitors. And the repairman. 

And I know what's been in there. Yes, I know. And it's the better alternative.

Having a bath is bad enough where bodily excretions escape your body out of every orifice and you bathe in it; marinating in a sauce of your own filth. At least in a bath at home the water is warm enough where the very weakest of bacteria is killed, or maimed, and you only have to sit in a pool of your own faecal matter with the remaining, stronger bacteria.

So what do you think happens in a public swimming pool? Take your time and think about it. Go on, pause for a moment.

PORES, for a moment. 

Even if all the other larger holes in your body were corked, there are millions of mini holes in your skin that are two-way highways for filth-flyin'-filth.

What is oozing out of the regular, fitter people swimming in that pool goes straight in the water you are dunking your head in. Now think about the babies and toddlers that have little to no control over their own bodily functions and worse, the elderly are in there too. Not even God knows what is oozing out of teenagers.

Pause again. 


Remember, if you're not worried about these super absorbent minuscule holes in your skin, you have much larger holes in your body - and not just your mouth - for this filth to jump on board through. Oh yes, whatever has been emitted into the pool from various sources (human sauces) is in you now. Just like the episode of The Simpsons with the green fog that turns people inside out, you can't escape it (granted, swimming in the pool won't turn your insides outside of you, but it will put other people's insides inside of you).

Yes, yes, it's chlorinated - whoopity doo. Chlorine kills everything, right? I don't see the size of those goobers getting smaller during my swim - I don't care how sanitised the chlorine has made that snot ball, I'm still not happy for it to enter any part of me, let alone my mouth. All the chlorine does in my scientific opinion is hide the smell of the cesspool so you are lulled into a false sense of sanitary.


In fact, it is very similar to the toilet deodorant that simply (and terribly) attempts to mask the smell of faecal matter - I like to think of it as a Jaffa; think of normal poo particles as chocolate - now, when you spray the toilet deodorant you aren't destroying the poo particle, you are just coating it with a tasty outer shell. In essence, it's now worse as though you are still inhaling that poo particle into your body, it is now coated with an outer shell which makes the particle bigger and harder for your body to process.

Pools are disgusting. Baths are too. So are spas. If you go into any of these you are also disgusting.

Here's a fun game to play in a public pool.

In the pool:
  1. spotting an abandoned band-aid [1 point]
  2. spotting the person/wound it came off [2 points]
  3. standing on it [-1 point]
  4. swimming at such a pace that the used band-aid sticks to your face [5 points]
  5. having a matt of someone's hair stick to your face [1 point]
  6. see 5. but it being of the pubic variety [2 points]
  7. dodge the goober; like the game 'Asteroids' you must dodge the goobers; coming into contact with one [-1 point]
  8. sucking in someone else's goober [-5 points and GO straight to hospital, do not pass GO do not share fluids with any loved ones until you receive the all clear]
  9. spotting bubbles coming out of someone's costume/swimmers at the rear [1 point]
  10. at the front [2 points]
Cartoon: An artist's accurate impression of what will be found in every
public swimming pool. Swimming goggles should come with a warning.
Did you find Wally? Actually, there's probably a copyright on his name. Let's call him Warwick ... hmmm, let's not - I never know how or if to make a 'weh' sound at the second 'w'. Wendell will do. Where's Wendell? Did you find him?
(clue: he's snot there ... heheehe, snot).


  1. I used to swim in the heated pool at the Maroubra Seal's Club every day and the chlorine was so strong it broke my hair and snapped it off. I'm serious. No germ could have survived. I do like your game though. Better than Marco Polo. :)

    1. Marco!
      It's wise, and healthier, to be a fish out of water.
      No matter how clean someone else's ball of snot, used band-aid or clump of hair is, I still don't want to be consuming it.
      Ever wondered if the 'heated' pool was slightly more 'heated' than what it was intended to be?

  2. The nail from my big toe fell off in the pool once, it had become loose after a drunken walk to the servo one night when I attempted to punt a can and I missed. Totally. I speared my foot, toes first, into the concrete breaking my big toe and setting the nail on the path to freedom. My mate laughed then he sliced his foot to buggery when he punted a bottle, then I laughed.

    My point is, I didn't tell anybody my nail had fallen off, it was a bonus prize for those playing.

    1. You are a sports co-ordinator. You are Baron Pierre de Coubertin.

  3. I am never swimming in a public pool again.
    I think I'll even be careful with the beach. Or any form of bathing come to think of it.

    1. Well, whales are big creatures so you can only imagine what they're putting in there. And the size of the what

  4. I think you just put me off swimming pools for life. Looks like I'll have to stick to splashing around in the shower!

  5. Oh don't. I am already 'thingy' about public pools. And don't get me started on spas. I once caught folliculitis on my legs from a public spa. Also, I once covered a desperate and dateless weekend at a resort and just about every couple got it on in the (public) spa. I never had a spa at a resort again after that ...

  6. Oh Dear God how I wish I had not been eating while I read this... at least I wasn't eating while in a public pool (or as we called them growing up "Pubic Pools"), or a spa or a bath...

    1. Or you always have the "it's not a pool without the 'p' in it, nor the 'poo' ".

  7. Do NOT dip a hand ax in salsa.

    1. Ok.
      I wish I knew that yesterday.
      I like to say salsa. "Salsa".

  8. Yikes, I'll never look at a public swimming pool the same ever again. Yikes. Very funny though.

    Have a terrific Silly Sunday. ☺

    1. Or if you do, don't wear goggles. You're better of not seeing.

  9. I can't even swim properly and now you have ruined it for many.. Well done... We can all now sit on the sidelines watching all those in the infested waters.... Jaws had nothing on all you covered..

    1. I may have just saved your life. You're welcome.

  10. From primordial ooze we came, to primordial ooze we shall return.

    1. Maybe, but not without a fight.
      Eh, who am I kidding, I'm a lover not a fighter (and a pretty poor one at that!)

  11. some activities are better done with less thinking. Our bodies and bacteria have grown up together and some of it is actually beneficial - think probiotics

  12. Probiotics, antibiotics - (hey) pesto, antipesto - tomato, ... tomato : why can't we all just get along.
    It'd help if we all just stopped being so disgusting in the water


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