Well, he didn't introduce me to 'him' but to his impressive list of work.
After some rather immature email wars that my mate thought were funny (much to the chagrin of our wives), he suggested I check out David Thorne's stuff on his website. Much to my employers disbenefit, check it out I did and like it I ... also did. Very much.
It's brilliant. He's most famously known for his drawing of a 7 legged spider which is hilarious, and not simply because most able-bodied spiders have 8 legs.
Anyhoo, I got drunk and decided to email him to amuse myself and my mate who I BCC'd each time. It's childish, not funny or clever but it is as follows:
To: email@example.comSubject: Job Application(s)Date: Wed, 25 Jun 2014 17:43:19 +1000
Hello Mr Thorne,
You don't know me (unless, of course, you do, in which case please disregard my opening line under "Hello Mr Thorne". No, no, the one that goes something like "You don't know me"). Please allow me to introduce myself as 'Lord He-Man the Third', as my wife won't let me to her friends.
My name is Ronnie and I am typing to apply for the position(s)* of <please insert a job position(s) that I can apply for>. Please find attached my job application letter.
(note: letter not attached. All that was originally attached to this email was a word document that, when opened, read "MY JOB APPLICATION LETTER").
If you find my job application letter insufficient for whatever reason, I have taken the privilege of typing the following hyperlink http://www.seek.com.au/jobs-resources/cover-letters which has some fine cover letter examples. It would be appreciated if you could choose the most relevant to the job(s) I am applying for. Please also note that I have not attached a Resume as I prefer not to lie. If a Resume is required, let me know and I will fabricate one and send through. It would be much appreciated if you could send through a list of any required skills and experiences that you would hope to find on the successful applicants Resume - that way I can cut and paste into the Resume and resubmit my application to you (or to save time, just put my name and 'Resume' on the top of the list and send it to yourself).
I can start work on Monday, I require 3 months annual leave per quarter and I am not good with 'people'. It is probably also important to note that I am Australian (though you can probably tell by the accent on the font) however I am fluent in American (eg. 'Mom') and Verdana.
The reason I am applying for your job(s) is I am finding my current job as a Civil Engineer / Project Manager much like flogging a dead horse. I'm worried that one day I will find that the horse is alive and I've committed beastiality. Not good.
If you require further information please save my time and google it yourself. I look forward to working with you.
Cheers, Ronnie Peace
(* as you will no doubt have noticed, I was much to mature to make any typically mundane and childish quips about 'position'. Instead, as I typed, I chortled to myself as I thought about missionary, doggie-style and cleveland steamer, before reaching for a kleenex to wipe up the snot bubble that unexpectantly appeared out of my nose)
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Sent: Monday, 30 June 2014 4:57:38 PM To: email@example.com (firstname.lastname@example.org) Subject: RE: Job Application(s)
(*I trust it is now ok to address you by your first name, given the recent communique history we have recently shared. And I do admit i find saying your last name awkward - not knowing whether to pronounce the 'e', and how; not knowing if the 'h' is silent, so as you would've noticed I tend to just mumble it. Believe me, I know how this must frustrate you as well. My last name is Peace, and people are forever correcting me and putting an 'r' in there - "My last name is Peace. P-E-A-C-E.", "Aaaah, Mr Pearce". "Yes, thankyou, i've been saying it wrong all these years")
I was wondering how you were going evaluating the job application(s), as I haven't heard back from you as yet. Although I realise you are busy and the process may take time, I would be surprised if there are more than one applications given that I applied for an imaginary position(s). I would be more surprised if I applied for an actual position.
There's a chance that you haven't seen my email application as I'm sure you have 100's of emails, and facebook messages, comments and 'thumbs ups', and twitters and instagrammers and other technological communique that I am even less au fait with (pardon the french). In fact, I'm sure you do, as I have taken the liberty to hack into your email (deadcat26 is a great password) and see how many emails you do have. Furthermore, I found my original email that somehow had ended up in your 'trash' folder, so I've re-placed it into the 'important emails' folder.
Once again, I present myself as the perfect addition to your workplace / factory / facebook admins. I am conscientious and conscious 60.416666667% of the day. Although I am skilled as a Civil Engineer, rest assured my skills are not. As 'The Eels' summed me up perfectly "I like (da duh duh) words". Actually, i think it was 'birds', so maybe they werent that perfect after all. Great song, all the same.
Anyhoo, if you could get back to me soon that would be great, as I have stopped doing my engineer thing at work in preparing for my new job (googling random words, and checking out some great youtube clips).
Subject: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)
Date: Wed, 2 Jul 2014 07:58:59 +1000
OK, so I realise why you haven't replied. I've noticed a lot of emails I get that go straight to junk mail have a heading like "Job Application" or "Hot sluts waiting to have sex with you" or "You've won 1,000,000,000 baht". Although I wisely decided not to go with my first choice of "Hot Sluts", I erred and gave it a subject of Job Application(s). And therefore I apologise for all the curse words I had thrown your way that, through a lack of you being in my house, my wife and two dogs felt the brunt of (you should probably apologise for that).
Now with all this one-sided email correspondence, well, quite frankly, I feel like i'm doing all the work. Rest assured, I am not a stalker and am not harassing you. As you can appreciate, that is much too hard to do from half way around the world. I am not in love with you (I'm not ruling it out, but we hardly know each other). I am married (and not in a John Travolta kind of way). And from what I can tell of you, you are married, have kids, have a girlfriend and are looking for a girlfriend. And a black girl thinks you're gay.
Anyhoo, I trust the email subject confusion hasn't had a negative impact on my job application(s) - see emails below. I wish you godspeed in evaluating the job application(s) and hope to here a proposed start date and salary from you soon. As you can appreciate, as my work ethic has gotten so poor at work in expectance of a successful job application, they have suspended all Internet privileges and have put me on a performance management plan.
Great to chat,
Subject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2014 17:45:02 +1000
Automated Response: The person you have not yet responded to is currently unavailable and is unable to return until he completes his poo. We apologise for any inconvenience and suggest you do likewise.
He will respond to your email upon his imminent return (upon wiping of his bum and washing of his hands), lest you send him one.
(ps. he has just shouted out from cubicle 2 to say "hi", and ask if you could attach some toilet paper to your email response as he has run out. Unfortunately he over indulged at the Sawtell Chili Festival on the weekend and it is quite imperative that more paper be sent to mop up the toxic waste currently seeping out of his rear volcano.)
Subject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)
Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2014 12:08:09 +1000
I'm back. Just a follow up email to see how you are progressing with your response. I await in eager anticipation, as it is sure to be a beauty (I presume it's in it's fourth edit by now, probably awaiting a cool little drawing to go with it).
I know there's been a few emails going back and forth between us lately (mainly forth, zero back) but in seeking work i'm sure there's nothing wrong with being persistent and unrelenting. I like to think of myself as being tenacious, though the cross-dressing man with the hammer in court likes to refer to me as a 'stalker'. Potato, potato.
I hope this email finds you well. I wish you godspeed.
Subject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 2014 17:44:51 +1000
Do I stink? Or is it my big nose that is putting you off?
I can change. Why don't you love me like you used to do?
'Interred' is a funny word isn't it. I imagine the guys who founded the English language were sitting at their round table discussing the creation of words swilling beers from big cast iron mugs, surrounded by buxom wenches, were contemplating whether they should go with "inshit", "infaeces" or "interred". I'm glad they went with turd. Either that, or there was a big bang, and the words were created automatically.
Ok, well I'll stop distracting you from your arduous task of going through my job application to whittle my job application down to the winning one. My current employer has stopped paying me as they expect 'engineering' and 'productivity' out of me. Haha, whatever that means. So, you could see how i could do with the money. Or coupons. I'd settle for a few beers (but that would be after some intense negotiations).
To: email@example.comSubject: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)Date: Fri, 25 Jul 2014 21:50:56 +1000
hey hey thorney monkey,
What's doing? You must be in a world of bliss. God bliss you.For you've been ignoring me and we all know that ignorance is bliss. And sayings are never wrong. Just saying(s).You know (which you don't as you refuse to converse with me) when I was younger, when I first heard the word 'ignorance' I thought they were saying 'ignore ants'. Being a good kid, I did what I was told. And ever since ants and I have always been uneasy whenever we come across each other. To the point that if I'm walking on one side of the road, the ants will cross to the other side of the ride. It's not all bad. My picnics are the envy of all my friends, I'm always calm (never antsy), and was well behaved as a kid, having never experienced having 'ants in my pants'.
Terrible at poker though. Good poker face (Marilyn manson's daughter wrote a song about me), but I never knew when to up the ante.
You know, cos of the whole ant issue.Which reminds me, do you like buffalo wings? My wife loves them. Haha, buffalo's can't fly.
To: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)Date: Sun, 7 Sep 2014 17:09:42 +1000
I'm sorry that it's been so long since we last corresponded. As you can imagine (I've read some of your stories, I know you can) I've had a lot on my plate lately (steak, mashed potato, pie - you name it) which has taken up a lot of my time. But good friends are like alcoholism - no matter how long it has been since you last had a drink, you can always pick up where you last left off.
Yeah, this feels right. Feels like we've hardly missed a beat. Me typing. You deleting the email.
What's kept me busy, I hear you ask (yeah, i'm crazy)? Good question, Thornemeister! I've been working on my new blog. http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/ You'd like it. I've basically cut and paste all the stuff that you've done, then put my name on it.
Anyhoo, gotta go. I've got a new article to write - ctrl'c', ctrl'v'...
To: email@example.comSubject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2014 10:51:00 +1000
I remember how much you were saying you love The Bachelor. Cos I laughed at you when I heard you admit that. Then a little snot came out of my left nostril. And then I laughed some more. Then I threw an egg in your face.
Anyways, seeing as you are such a fan, I wrote this for you (no I didn't but it's a good sentiment OR seeing as we really don't know each other, it's crazy!) http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/09/my-time-as-bachelor.html
see you on the flip side. Unless i flip you first.
To: firstname.lastname@example.orgSubject: RE: NOT JUNK MAIL (or is it?)Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2014 7:48:06 +1000
Sorry I haven't typed lately, it's just that I've been writing. My new book is called "Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them." Yeah, I know the title seems long winded and doesn't make any sense if you haven't read the book yet, but that's the point isn't it? Besides, I can't change it 'cos it's not mine, it's ... it's yours?!?
Wow, now I'm confused. Who am I then? Hopefully Ricky Gervais or someone, but I'm probably just that bald bloke off the morning breakfast show. That would suck.
I will try and make a point of being in contact more, though I am keeping pretty busy educating the world to save itself http://uwannapeaceome.blogspot.com.au/2014/11/man-made-global-warming-and-other-myths.html Somebodies gotta wave banners, ya know. They don't wave themselves.