Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Dumb Dogs of War - the Hole Truth

We have two dogs – Doggie...

and Arj...
Doggie is unfortunately named after losing a bet to my wife over an Eels v Doggies game. And Arj after comedian Arj Barker. Which has turned out kinda funny as Arj isn’t much of a barker – his bark is all air, like he has a silencer on his muzzle.

Arj is still a puppy and tends to dig a lot. You dig? No! Naughty!

When I say ‘a lot’, the next door neighbour’s second eldest daughter jumped the fence last month to reclaim a tennis ball and we lost her down one of the holes. No need to fear, she’s ok. She popped up a few days later in a NIKE sweatshop in China. And besides, it was just a metaphor.

I won’t bore you with all of the things I’ve tried to do to stop him from digging. Or will I?

Answer: Yes.

Well, just some of the things:

  • Take away his shovel
  • Bury dog poo in the holes (he’s a dog, turns out he likes dog poo)
  • Tie his paws together
  • Bury flour bombs in the lawn for him to dig up
  • Build him a sand pit for digging (although this was a failure, his sandcastle sculpting has come on leaps and bounds)
  • Bury human poo in the holes
  • Concrete the lawn and garden
At the end of the day, it’s not a major drama (unlike TV series ‘Soldier Soldier’ or ‘The Unit’). Though the backyard does look like a minefield. We know he will grow out of it – like males and masturbation. Maybe not like that. And besides, we rent, so it’s not even our lawn.

But what is particularly frustrating is that it has become blatantly obvious that Arj is stupid. He doesn’t seem to understand the basic concept of Earthworks and Excavations 101. As we all know, when a material is excavated from the ground (in situ, sit! Good boy) it ‘swells’ or increases in volume. That being by a bulking factor of more than 1.0. When Arj undertakes an excavation, he is incorrectly using a bulking factor of approx 0.5, in that when I attempt to put material back in the hole, there is less than what was taken out. That totally defies physics, and shows complete ignorance to the laws of Engineering.

Dumb dog.

Or maybe he’s a magician… Yep, that’s definitely it. Arj the Great! That would also go some ways to explain the ridiculous moustache he’s grown, and the top hat and cape he’s been wearing lately.

And the ridiculous amounts of dog shit he omits from his anus each day. Nothing up his sleeve.

The bulking factor Arj applies on dog food consumed to that exhumed is approx. 50 times. 

(No) shit.

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